Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters

Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters

Mothers and daughters sometimes get stuck in dysfunctional family relationships, but there is a way out. Listen as host Chris Johnson talks with counselor Dr. Helen McIntosh and her daughter, Blythe Daniel, about their book, Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters. Set new patterns in your mother-daughter relationships for the health of your family and the glory of God.

27 Minutes • a month ago

Episode Notes

Charisma Connection

Guest: Blythe Daniel

Mothers and daughters sometimes get stuck in dysfunctional family relationships, but there is a way out. Listen as host Chris Johnson talks with counselor Dr. Helen McIntosh and her daughter, Blythe Daniel, about their book, Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters.

Set new patterns in your mother-daughter relationships for the health of your family and the glory of God.

Introduction

Chris Johnson: This is Charisma Connection, I'm Chris Johnson. Today, I get to talk to the authors of Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters. It's from Harvest House, and it came out this month. Blythe Daniel is a literary agent and marketer, and her mother is Dr. Helen McIntosh. Dr. McIntosh is a counselor, speaker, and author. Together they worked on this book as a mother and daughter team. Blythe, you and your family live in Colorado, I understand. And Helen, you and your husband reside in Georgia? Did it take some doing to get to write this book together?

Blythe Daniel: We did get together some but our hearts had already started preparing for this book years ago. On our own, we would work on some ideas and we would email each other and then we did get together in person some. When we say did it take some doing? I would say yes, it did. But a lot of it was things that we had already covered together in our thoughts before we even wrote a book. So that was exciting.

Chris Johnson: Very good. It sounds like you had good teamwork there. I see you have endorsements from people like Stasi Eldredge, and Lysa TerKeurst. Those are some pretty good recommendations. I liked what Sarah Haggerty said too that while she was reading your book, she vacillated between her mother and daughter roles, which I imagine a lot of readers will do and get two for the price of one.

 

What They’re Saying About Mended

·         An amazing resource for anyone who desires to deepen their mother-daughter relationship in a biblical, healthy, and healed way.” —Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times bestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries

·         “If you’re ready to deepen and strengthen your relationship with your mother, your daughter, your mother-in-law, your daughter-in-law, Mended offers the practical, biblical guidance and wise, heartfelt encouragement you’re looking for. Whether you struggle with past hurts or present disappointments, Helen and Blythe make it clear that, ‘No one and no relationship is beyond hope.’ Each suggestion is supported with Scripture and wrapped in real-life examples drawn from two different generations. So helpful, so hope-filled, so healing!” Liz Curtis Higgs, bestselling author of Bad Girls of the Bible

·         “I vacillated back and forth between mother and daughter as I read Mended—learning as a mother, absorbing as a daughter. These words can unlock those of us who have felt stuck within either role, unsure of how to find a new way out of old patterns. God’s heart for healing families lies within these pages.”Sara Hagerty, author of Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet and Unseen

·         “If you have ever thought, ‘I wish I knew how to really talk to my mom, to my daughter,’ this book will be a gift. So often we allow years to pass, stuck in misunderstanding and brokenness simply because we don't know what to do or what to say. Mended will give you a place to begin.”—Sheila Walsh, author of It's Okay Not to Be Okay

 

Blythe Daniel: We hope so. It is interesting, because all women are daughters. They may or may not have their better present in their lives. And some daughters then become mothers. So, we both, mom and I, did look at our roles through the lens of being a daughter, and also being a mother. We feel like it's really important for women to recognize the roles that they're in, and to really invite God into those roles with them. We weren't meant to just do this alone as a mom or a daughter. There's so much that God has to say about how He created us to be. If you look closely at relationships in the Bible, there's so much between mothers and the offspring. We often hear about sons in the Bible, but there are some prominent women whose role as a daughter, as a mother, was so key to the biblical line of where we even are today. So, we just feel like there's so much that can come from a good healthy mother-daughter relationship.

 

What Mended Can Teach You

·         You can find common ground and put your relationship ahead of your differences.

·         Learn what to say when you don’t know what to say.

·         Grow closer when you do hard things together.

 

Chris Johnson: Absolutely. And Helen, you say that the mother-daughter relationship is like a living organism? In what ways do you see your relationship with Blythe like that?

Helen McIntosh: It’s been changing for years, but we've known what the changes needed to be and so we made adaptations and it's just been wonderful, even though change is not easy for anyone. But if you can see it as a healthy addition to that the relationship, then it works wonders.

Chris Johnson: And Helen, as the mother in the family of origin, shall we say, what did you bring from your family of origin that affected your relationships in your family with Blythe and her brother?

Helen McIntosh: You know, sadly, it was maybe some difficulty that I had with my mother. I longed and prayed for help to have a completely different experience with Blythe. So, in this case, we had a healthy relationship. I'm so grateful that Blythe and I have a different story. We broke a generational issue, or many issues, and much of what we share with the readers is what we learned during the hard times.

Chris Johnson: Yes, trials are difficult, especially in the family. Blythe, would you like to add to that?

Blythe Daniel: I would say that what my mom experienced with her mom was what a lot of probably listeners experience and that is feeling like you don't measure up and feeling like you're a disappointment, and that you can't do things right. And so, we were really trying to be aware of how we worked out the things between us where I could have felt like that or mom could have felt like that. In fact, and I share some in the book about how, as a new mom, I didn't want to receive input much from mom because I wanted to feel like I could do it. We are hesitant sometimes as women to take input and advice from others. So, I'll share how we have overcome some of the things that get passed down from mothers to daughters is just simply a way of inviting yourself into a conversation. So, instead of trying to give advice, you could tell the other person, are you OK with my sharing some feedback? Or are you OK if I give some input here? In that way, like in that situation with me, I could have said, no, Mom, I don't really want to hear that right now from you. What I would need from you is this, what I would long for from you is this. Or, I could have said, Mom, I'm open to hearing that right now. I may or may not feel like I can do that. But I'm open to hearing it. So, we are just trying to help women learn how to invite themselves into conversations better. Sometimes with those awkward conversations, we're not even sure how do we go to saying some of these difficult things to each other? We want to defuse that awkwardness and really that that chasm that can be between you in bringing in some healthy dialogue. That's what a lot of our book is centered around is, how do I start a conversation to say some of these things that are really hard to say?

Helen McIntosh: We had probably several dozen pretend conversations in the book and we hoe they will be very helpful.

Chris Johnson: Just having a model or an example like that could be very useful to some mothers and daughters, I'm sure. You mentioned giving unwanted advice, how that can be a hindrance in relationship and reconciliation. Are there other hindrances in reconciliation?

Blythe Daniel: There is the need that we have to want to be right. A lot of times, we want to prove that we're the right one and the relationship; my thinking my way of doing things is right. My opinion is right. So, what that creates is a barrier where that need to be right can become greater than the relationship. Mom, as a counselor over the years, has really helped people to put their relationship ahead of differences or the need to be right. Mom, you could share more on that. But it’s such a key point.

Helen McIntosh: That’s excellent. These unresolved conflicts, things that never get settled over time, tragically crack this relationship. So, talked a lot about what that looks like in some language that could help you to move right on into getting help. We hope that they will read some of those dialogues. For instance, one might be, I want us to be repaired. What do you need to hear from me or see from me? What do I need to do for us to be repaired? I want to clear up any offenses on my part. So, we are encouraging your listeners to be bold and to ask clarifying questions. So, we hope to be a huge help to moving things forward. It’s a great starter.

Chris Johnson: That's a very open way of having a conversation. If people are open to mending their relationship, and as your book subtitle says, restoring the hearts of mothers and daughters, I think those are very good questions to bring into conversation when you're ready for them.

Blythe Daniel: Right. One thing that we have seen, and we have experienced just as mothers and daughters is even if, you feel like the other person has done the things that have distanced you, like maybe you've been 95 percent right and the percentage is weighted in your favor, where you've done most of the things that are right in the relationship, you are the stronger person to come to the other one and say, I recognize that I have done this or I want to own my part in this relationship. Who better than to be the one to initiate that than the one who's in the stronger position? So, sometimes we want to wait for that other person to initiate forgiveness or to come to us. That kind of works in life as well. We often we wait for someone to come to us and initiate an invitation to something. So, we are really trying to help women be initiators even if things are more weighted in the other person's direction of fault or distance. We can still be initiators because, if you think about this, we all know the story of how Jesus initiated restoration with us. He didn't wait for us until we came to Him and realized that we needed him. In the same way, we want to encourage women to be initiators. Now, a lot of times we encourage that to be a conversation. but there may be people who don't have a mother or a daughter they physically can go to and talk to. We still think there's such power in writing out your words. So, whether it's in a journal, or a letter that you would almost just mail, keep it on file if you can't mail it physically to someone. But we do believe there's power in writing out the words that you would want to share with someone. So hopefully, that's an encouragement. Some people may not be able to have a physical conversation, but they can sure write out the words that they're feeling.

Connect with Blythe Daniel

·         On Facebook

·         On Twitter

·         Theblythedanielagency.com

·         On LinkedIn

Episode Notes

Charisma Connection

Guest: Blythe Daniel

Mothers and daughters sometimes get stuck in dysfunctional family relationships, but there is a way out. Listen as host Chris Johnson talks with counselor Dr. Helen McIntosh and her daughter, Blythe Daniel, about their book, Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters.

Set new patterns in your mother-daughter relationships for the health of your family and the glory of God.

Introduction

Chris Johnson: This is Charisma Connection, I'm Chris Johnson. Today, I get to talk to the authors of Mended: Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters. It's from Harvest House, and it came out this month. Blythe Daniel is a literary agent and marketer, and her mother is Dr. Helen McIntosh. Dr. McIntosh is a counselor, speaker, and author. Together they worked on this book as a mother and daughter team. Blythe, you and your family live in Colorado, I understand. And Helen, you and your husband reside in Georgia? Did it take some doing to get to write this book together?

Blythe Daniel: We did get together some but our hearts had already started preparing for this book years ago. On our own, we would work on some ideas and we would email each other and then we did get together in person some. When we say did it take some doing? I would say yes, it did. But a lot of it was things that we had already covered together in our thoughts before we even wrote a book. So that was exciting.

Chris Johnson: Very good. It sounds like you had good teamwork there. I see you have endorsements from people like Stasi Eldredge, and Lysa TerKeurst. Those are some pretty good recommendations. I liked what Sarah Haggerty said too that while she was reading your book, she vacillated between her mother and daughter roles, which I imagine a lot of readers will do and get two for the price of one.

 

What They’re Saying About Mended

·         An amazing resource for anyone who desires to deepen their mother-daughter relationship in a biblical, healthy, and healed way.” —Lysa TerKeurst, New York Times bestselling author and president of Proverbs 31 Ministries

·         “If you’re ready to deepen and strengthen your relationship with your mother, your daughter, your mother-in-law, your daughter-in-law, Mended offers the practical, biblical guidance and wise, heartfelt encouragement you’re looking for. Whether you struggle with past hurts or present disappointments, Helen and Blythe make it clear that, ‘No one and no relationship is beyond hope.’ Each suggestion is supported with Scripture and wrapped in real-life examples drawn from two different generations. So helpful, so hope-filled, so healing!” Liz Curtis Higgs, bestselling author of Bad Girls of the Bible

·         “I vacillated back and forth between mother and daughter as I read Mended—learning as a mother, absorbing as a daughter. These words can unlock those of us who have felt stuck within either role, unsure of how to find a new way out of old patterns. God’s heart for healing families lies within these pages.”Sara Hagerty, author of Every Bitter Thing Is Sweet and Unseen

·         “If you have ever thought, ‘I wish I knew how to really talk to my mom, to my daughter,’ this book will be a gift. So often we allow years to pass, stuck in misunderstanding and brokenness simply because we don't know what to do or what to say. Mended will give you a place to begin.”—Sheila Walsh, author of It's Okay Not to Be Okay

 

Blythe Daniel: We hope so. It is interesting, because all women are daughters. They may or may not have their better present in their lives. And some daughters then become mothers. So, we both, mom and I, did look at our roles through the lens of being a daughter, and also being a mother. We feel like it's really important for women to recognize the roles that they're in, and to really invite God into those roles with them. We weren't meant to just do this alone as a mom or a daughter. There's so much that God has to say about how He created us to be. If you look closely at relationships in the Bible, there's so much between mothers and the offspring. We often hear about sons in the Bible, but there are some prominent women whose role as a daughter, as a mother, was so key to the biblical line of where we even are today. So, we just feel like there's so much that can come from a good healthy mother-daughter relationship.

 

What Mended Can Teach You

·         You can find common ground and put your relationship ahead of your differences.

·         Learn what to say when you don’t know what to say.

·         Grow closer when you do hard things together.

 

Chris Johnson: Absolutely. And Helen, you say that the mother-daughter relationship is like a living organism? In what ways do you see your relationship with Blythe like that?

Helen McIntosh: It’s been changing for years, but we've known what the changes needed to be and so we made adaptations and it's just been wonderful, even though change is not easy for anyone. But if you can see it as a healthy addition to that the relationship, then it works wonders.

Chris Johnson: And Helen, as the mother in the family of origin, shall we say, what did you bring from your family of origin that affected your relationships in your family with Blythe and her brother?

Helen McIntosh: You know, sadly, it was maybe some difficulty that I had with my mother. I longed and prayed for help to have a completely different experience with Blythe. So, in this case, we had a healthy relationship. I'm so grateful that Blythe and I have a different story. We broke a generational issue, or many issues, and much of what we share with the readers is what we learned during the hard times.

Chris Johnson: Yes, trials are difficult, especially in the family. Blythe, would you like to add to that?

Blythe Daniel: I would say that what my mom experienced with her mom was what a lot of probably listeners experience and that is feeling like you don't measure up and feeling like you're a disappointment, and that you can't do things right. And so, we were really trying to be aware of how we worked out the things between us where I could have felt like that or mom could have felt like that. In fact, and I share some in the book about how, as a new mom, I didn't want to receive input much from mom because I wanted to feel like I could do it. We are hesitant sometimes as women to take input and advice from others. So, I'll share how we have overcome some of the things that get passed down from mothers to daughters is just simply a way of inviting yourself into a conversation. So, instead of trying to give advice, you could tell the other person, are you OK with my sharing some feedback? Or are you OK if I give some input here? In that way, like in that situation with me, I could have said, no, Mom, I don't really want to hear that right now from you. What I would need from you is this, what I would long for from you is this. Or, I could have said, Mom, I'm open to hearing that right now. I may or may not feel like I can do that. But I'm open to hearing it. So, we are just trying to help women learn how to invite themselves into conversations better. Sometimes with those awkward conversations, we're not even sure how do we go to saying some of these difficult things to each other? We want to defuse that awkwardness and really that that chasm that can be between you in bringing in some healthy dialogue. That's what a lot of our book is centered around is, how do I start a conversation to say some of these things that are really hard to say?

Helen McIntosh: We had probably several dozen pretend conversations in the book and we hoe they will be very helpful.

Chris Johnson: Just having a model or an example like that could be very useful to some mothers and daughters, I'm sure. You mentioned giving unwanted advice, how that can be a hindrance in relationship and reconciliation. Are there other hindrances in reconciliation?

Blythe Daniel: There is the need that we have to want to be right. A lot of times, we want to prove that we're the right one and the relationship; my thinking my way of doing things is right. My opinion is right. So, what that creates is a barrier where that need to be right can become greater than the relationship. Mom, as a counselor over the years, has really helped people to put their relationship ahead of differences or the need to be right. Mom, you could share more on that. But it’s such a key point.

Helen McIntosh: That’s excellent. These unresolved conflicts, things that never get settled over time, tragically crack this relationship. So, talked a lot about what that looks like in some language that could help you to move right on into getting help. We hope that they will read some of those dialogues. For instance, one might be, I want us to be repaired. What do you need to hear from me or see from me? What do I need to do for us to be repaired? I want to clear up any offenses on my part. So, we are encouraging your listeners to be bold and to ask clarifying questions. So, we hope to be a huge help to moving things forward. It’s a great starter.

Chris Johnson: That's a very open way of having a conversation. If people are open to mending their relationship, and as your book subtitle says, restoring the hearts of mothers and daughters, I think those are very good questions to bring into conversation when you're ready for them.

Blythe Daniel: Right. One thing that we have seen, and we have experienced just as mothers and daughters is even if, you feel like the other person has done the things that have distanced you, like maybe you've been 95 percent right and the percentage is weighted in your favor, where you've done most of the things that are right in the relationship, you are the stronger person to come to the other one and say, I recognize that I have done this or I want to own my part in this relationship. Who better than to be the one to initiate that than the one who's in the stronger position? So, sometimes we want to wait for that other person to initiate forgiveness or to come to us. That kind of works in life as well. We often we wait for someone to come to us and initiate an invitation to something. So, we are really trying to help women be initiators even if things are more weighted in the other person's direction of fault or distance. We can still be initiators because, if you think about this, we all know the story of how Jesus initiated restoration with us. He didn't wait for us until we came to Him and realized that we needed him. In the same way, we want to encourage women to be initiators. Now, a lot of times we encourage that to be a conversation. but there may be people who don't have a mother or a daughter they physically can go to and talk to. We still think there's such power in writing out your words. So, whether it's in a journal, or a letter that you would almost just mail, keep it on file if you can't mail it physically to someone. But we do believe there's power in writing out the words that you would want to share with someone. So hopefully, that's an encouragement. Some people may not be able to have a physical conversation, but they can sure write out the words that they're feeling.

Connect with Blythe Daniel

·         On Facebook

·         On Twitter

·         Theblythedanielagency.com

·         On LinkedIn

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Restoring the Hearts of Mothers and Daughters