The Key to Reviving Your Passionless Marriage with Dr. Doug Weiss

The Key to Reviving Your Passionless Marriage with Dr. Doug Weiss

Between 40% and 50% of marriages end in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. Dr. Doug Weiss, a Christian psychologist in Colorado, says he has ministered to countless couples who have told him, "We're just not in love anymore." In this interview, Weiss shares the key to fixing a passionless marriage, and it has everything to do with your perspective. Listen for more keys to a healthy marriage.

9 Minutes • 12 days ago

Episode Notes

The Strang Report

With Stephen Strang

Guest: Dr. Doug Weiss

Between 40 percent and 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. Dr. Doug Weiss, a Christian psychologist in Colorado, says he has ministered to countless couples who have told him, "We're just not in love anymore."

In this interview, Weiss shares the key to fixing a passionless marriage, and it has everything to do with your perspective. Listen for more keys to a healthy marriage.

Introduction

Stephen Strang: Marriage is the very first institution ordained by God. We all know the story of Adam and Eve. As Christians, we know that we're to love our wives and honor our husbands. Hello, everyone. I'm Stephen Strang and welcome to the Strang Report. Today I'm going to talk to Dr. Doug Weiss, who's a clinical psychologist who has an amazing ministry to married couples. In his practice, his clinical psychologist practice, they deal with a lot of issues … a lot of people who are dealing with various addictions, including sexual addictions. But he believes that marriages can be improved and can be healthy and you don't have to go through all the struggles. But one of the things that married couples do is sometimes they will become good spouses, they will become good providers. They'll do what they need to do. They're pleasant to be around. But they're not really lovers like when they first get married. So, recently, I was with Dr. Weiss when we were both in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I talked to him about a little book. He was sharing the book … it's not been published very long. It is called Lover Spouse. After he gave it to me that night, I was reading it and I thought, wow, this is some good stuff. Thankfully, Joy and I have had a very good marriage for over 46 years. But you know, it's always good to be reminded and it's good to get good insight. So, I sat down with Dr. Doug Weiss and asked him to share with my listeners some of these concepts.

 

·         Read the Strang Report: Spirit-Filled Psychologist: The Key to Reviving Your Passionless Marriage

 

Stephen Strang: Dr. Weiss, why did you write the book Lover Spouse?

Doug Weiss: I wrote this book because, in counseling I find people keep having the same issue which is, Dr. Weiss, we fallen out of love. We’ve been married for 10, 20, 30 years, and we have just fallen out of love. I found out why that keeps happening. The Lover Spouse helps return them back to be lovers instead of spouses.

Stephen Strang: You said something very interesting in the beginning of the book about paradigms. Paradigm is a word that we hear, but a lot of people don't even really understand what it means. So, what does it mean in relationship to what you're trying to do with couples?

Doug Weiss: Paradigms are kind of the way you think about something. What's interesting is when you're dating, you think like a lover. I want to spend time with you, I want to hear you, I want to meet your needs. Being with you is the most important thing in my life. I’ll listen to your silence … all those fun feelings are results of disciplines in your relationship that you don't see. But what happens is as soon as the pastor says I pronounce you husband and wife, you go from thinking like a lover to now defining what your role is in a relationship, and your role as a husband. So now your paradigm for yourself is, am I a good husband? You'll usually pick two things you're good at to make sure that you're good. She'll pick two or three things she's good at, but you forget to stay lovers. The whole being of your lover goes out the window because now we're married, and that is such a tragic loss, that switch of paradigms all by itself can be a factor in staying in love or not staying in love.

Stephen Strang: One of the things that I found interesting about paradigms is it made me think of some other relationships where we absorb things from our parents. You talked about how a wife saw her mother doing certain things, maybe good things. Then she did it and thought she was a good wife, but maybe wasn't. Could you elaborate on that a little bit?

Doug Weiss: Sure, it’s easy. I just want to say OK, I fix things. I work hard. I'm a good husband. Well, that doesn't meet the emotional touch connection need of a woman. So, she feels unloved, totally. She feels alone. She says, well, I'm a good wife if I cook, if I can make a decent apple pie and if I do one, two or three other things. What happens is you're defining your own role, which may not actually have anything to do with your spouse feeling close or connected or wanted or desired or chased or pursued. What happens is, you then have a marriage that can move to where you're not feeling loved, even though you know they love you.

Stephen Strang: Since you are a clinical psychologist and have a successful practice, in fact, an entire clinic, you counsel lots and lots of people who have had these problems and you've shared these concepts. In fact, you wrote the book from your experience over the years. So, I'm just curious, what are some of the responses that you've gotten over the years. Or, maybe they're a couple stories where people their lives really turned around when they got hold of this.

Doug Weiss: There is an exercise in the book where I want you to write this down. If I was your lover, I would … and they literally fill out like just little bullet points. I've done this in my clinical sessions many times. One hundred percent of the time, the other person knows what that means, whether that’s getting you coffee, write you a note, show you by taking you out more because I haven’t had a date in three years, or whatever it is. They intuitively know how to be the other person's lover 100 percent of the time. So, they are matched well by God, but they no longer believe that's their role to be a lover. So, what's interesting to me is they both get the aha and say, how well did I do? They say, oh my gosh, you got it totally right. How well did she do? Man, if that was my life, I wouldn't even be here, Dr. Weiss. So, you intuitively know how to be the other person's lover, but we're not doing it. Scripture says to him who knows to do good and doesn't do it, it's sin, right? So, they're both in this pattern of knowing what to do, but not doing it. And the other person goes with so many unmet needs because of that.

Stephen Strang: So, most people can't fly out to Colorado to your clinic. You've written this book in order to help people. So, by reading the book, people can get help?

Doug Weiss: I'll tell you a funny story because the book just came out. Me and my pastor are close friends, so he gets every book I write if it's relevant to him. So, it's Easter Sunday, and his wife is taking up the offering. She starts bragging on him. He just had the book one week. Pastor got up and he helped and got some meal prep done, he did all this kind of stuff when he woke up.  I was just so amazed. She said, pastor, why don’t you get up here and tell them what kind of book you are reading.  He's reading Lover Spouse. He's told me at least on four different occasions within a week, that book is the best one. It's changing the way I think it's helping me to kind of get into a different mindset about my role as her lover. She says, I'm a good husband, but I haven't been a great lover. This is like putting me on a whole different path, and it's been great. So that's just a simple testimony. But it has that kind of impact. Once you change the paradigm, you change your behavior, and that really makes a difference in a marriage.

Stephen Strang: That's why I wanted to interview you because I knew this would help a lot of people. So, tell me and tell my listeners and the readers since we will turn this into a newsletter, how they can get the book, and maybe some way to encourage them to get into it so they get the kind of results that you just described.

Doug Weiss: Well, they can go to Dr. Doug Weiss, drdougweiss.com. It will be listed in the marriage section of books. I’ve written many books, so it will be there. But one of the ways that couples do this, they just read a chapter a night together, and then they just talk about it. They get really a lot of insight of such as I didn't know you felt that way. Now you can think that way. I didn't know you were measuring yourself by how well you parked the car, as a good husband, when I would just love if you would just listen to me, that would be really cool. You know, so they start talking about it. Then what happens is they start moving the measure from how they created in their mind a good husband and wife to. Now the measure is am I a good lover? And if you're a good lover, you will be a good spouse.

 

Connect with Dr. Doug Weiss

·         Drdrougweiss.com

·         On Facebook

·         On Twitter

·         On YouTube

Where to Find Stephen Strang on the Internet

·         The Strang Report on Charismamag.com

·         The Strang Report on cpnshows.com

·         On Twitter

·         On Facebook

Episode Notes

The Strang Report

With Stephen Strang

Guest: Dr. Doug Weiss

Between 40 percent and 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. Dr. Doug Weiss, a Christian psychologist in Colorado, says he has ministered to countless couples who have told him, "We're just not in love anymore."

In this interview, Weiss shares the key to fixing a passionless marriage, and it has everything to do with your perspective. Listen for more keys to a healthy marriage.

Introduction

Stephen Strang: Marriage is the very first institution ordained by God. We all know the story of Adam and Eve. As Christians, we know that we're to love our wives and honor our husbands. Hello, everyone. I'm Stephen Strang and welcome to the Strang Report. Today I'm going to talk to Dr. Doug Weiss, who's a clinical psychologist who has an amazing ministry to married couples. In his practice, his clinical psychologist practice, they deal with a lot of issues … a lot of people who are dealing with various addictions, including sexual addictions. But he believes that marriages can be improved and can be healthy and you don't have to go through all the struggles. But one of the things that married couples do is sometimes they will become good spouses, they will become good providers. They'll do what they need to do. They're pleasant to be around. But they're not really lovers like when they first get married. So, recently, I was with Dr. Weiss when we were both in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I talked to him about a little book. He was sharing the book … it's not been published very long. It is called Lover Spouse. After he gave it to me that night, I was reading it and I thought, wow, this is some good stuff. Thankfully, Joy and I have had a very good marriage for over 46 years. But you know, it's always good to be reminded and it's good to get good insight. So, I sat down with Dr. Doug Weiss and asked him to share with my listeners some of these concepts.

 

·         Read the Strang Report: Spirit-Filled Psychologist: The Key to Reviving Your Passionless Marriage

 

Stephen Strang: Dr. Weiss, why did you write the book Lover Spouse?

Doug Weiss: I wrote this book because, in counseling I find people keep having the same issue which is, Dr. Weiss, we fallen out of love. We’ve been married for 10, 20, 30 years, and we have just fallen out of love. I found out why that keeps happening. The Lover Spouse helps return them back to be lovers instead of spouses.

Stephen Strang: You said something very interesting in the beginning of the book about paradigms. Paradigm is a word that we hear, but a lot of people don't even really understand what it means. So, what does it mean in relationship to what you're trying to do with couples?

Doug Weiss: Paradigms are kind of the way you think about something. What's interesting is when you're dating, you think like a lover. I want to spend time with you, I want to hear you, I want to meet your needs. Being with you is the most important thing in my life. I’ll listen to your silence … all those fun feelings are results of disciplines in your relationship that you don't see. But what happens is as soon as the pastor says I pronounce you husband and wife, you go from thinking like a lover to now defining what your role is in a relationship, and your role as a husband. So now your paradigm for yourself is, am I a good husband? You'll usually pick two things you're good at to make sure that you're good. She'll pick two or three things she's good at, but you forget to stay lovers. The whole being of your lover goes out the window because now we're married, and that is such a tragic loss, that switch of paradigms all by itself can be a factor in staying in love or not staying in love.

Stephen Strang: One of the things that I found interesting about paradigms is it made me think of some other relationships where we absorb things from our parents. You talked about how a wife saw her mother doing certain things, maybe good things. Then she did it and thought she was a good wife, but maybe wasn't. Could you elaborate on that a little bit?

Doug Weiss: Sure, it’s easy. I just want to say OK, I fix things. I work hard. I'm a good husband. Well, that doesn't meet the emotional touch connection need of a woman. So, she feels unloved, totally. She feels alone. She says, well, I'm a good wife if I cook, if I can make a decent apple pie and if I do one, two or three other things. What happens is you're defining your own role, which may not actually have anything to do with your spouse feeling close or connected or wanted or desired or chased or pursued. What happens is, you then have a marriage that can move to where you're not feeling loved, even though you know they love you.

Stephen Strang: Since you are a clinical psychologist and have a successful practice, in fact, an entire clinic, you counsel lots and lots of people who have had these problems and you've shared these concepts. In fact, you wrote the book from your experience over the years. So, I'm just curious, what are some of the responses that you've gotten over the years. Or, maybe they're a couple stories where people their lives really turned around when they got hold of this.

Doug Weiss: There is an exercise in the book where I want you to write this down. If I was your lover, I would … and they literally fill out like just little bullet points. I've done this in my clinical sessions many times. One hundred percent of the time, the other person knows what that means, whether that’s getting you coffee, write you a note, show you by taking you out more because I haven’t had a date in three years, or whatever it is. They intuitively know how to be the other person's lover 100 percent of the time. So, they are matched well by God, but they no longer believe that's their role to be a lover. So, what's interesting to me is they both get the aha and say, how well did I do? They say, oh my gosh, you got it totally right. How well did she do? Man, if that was my life, I wouldn't even be here, Dr. Weiss. So, you intuitively know how to be the other person's lover, but we're not doing it. Scripture says to him who knows to do good and doesn't do it, it's sin, right? So, they're both in this pattern of knowing what to do, but not doing it. And the other person goes with so many unmet needs because of that.

Stephen Strang: So, most people can't fly out to Colorado to your clinic. You've written this book in order to help people. So, by reading the book, people can get help?

Doug Weiss: I'll tell you a funny story because the book just came out. Me and my pastor are close friends, so he gets every book I write if it's relevant to him. So, it's Easter Sunday, and his wife is taking up the offering. She starts bragging on him. He just had the book one week. Pastor got up and he helped and got some meal prep done, he did all this kind of stuff when he woke up.  I was just so amazed. She said, pastor, why don’t you get up here and tell them what kind of book you are reading.  He's reading Lover Spouse. He's told me at least on four different occasions within a week, that book is the best one. It's changing the way I think it's helping me to kind of get into a different mindset about my role as her lover. She says, I'm a good husband, but I haven't been a great lover. This is like putting me on a whole different path, and it's been great. So that's just a simple testimony. But it has that kind of impact. Once you change the paradigm, you change your behavior, and that really makes a difference in a marriage.

Stephen Strang: That's why I wanted to interview you because I knew this would help a lot of people. So, tell me and tell my listeners and the readers since we will turn this into a newsletter, how they can get the book, and maybe some way to encourage them to get into it so they get the kind of results that you just described.

Doug Weiss: Well, they can go to Dr. Doug Weiss, drdougweiss.com. It will be listed in the marriage section of books. I’ve written many books, so it will be there. But one of the ways that couples do this, they just read a chapter a night together, and then they just talk about it. They get really a lot of insight of such as I didn't know you felt that way. Now you can think that way. I didn't know you were measuring yourself by how well you parked the car, as a good husband, when I would just love if you would just listen to me, that would be really cool. You know, so they start talking about it. Then what happens is they start moving the measure from how they created in their mind a good husband and wife to. Now the measure is am I a good lover? And if you're a good lover, you will be a good spouse.

 

Connect with Dr. Doug Weiss

·         Drdrougweiss.com

·         On Facebook

·         On Twitter

·         On YouTube

Where to Find Stephen Strang on the Internet

·         The Strang Report on Charismamag.com

·         The Strang Report on cpnshows.com

·         On Twitter

·         On Facebook

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The Key to Reviving Your Passionless Marriage with Dr. Doug Weiss