Blended Families: Ron Deal, episode 132

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If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope

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for your wilderness journey right here

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at When You Love a Prodigal,

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and also help and hope for your own life journey.

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So my wonderful listeners,

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do you have a blended family?

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I imagine there are quite a few who do.

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Have the challenges of finding harmony

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as you put new moms and dads and kids together,

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been difficult.

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Our guest today brings years of experience

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that will be just the help you need.

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They will give any of us with a prodigal practical ideas

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for relating to loved ones,

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and they will give us some specific things to help

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if they have a blended family.

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So I think everyone listening is gonna have a great chance

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to get some good help today.

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Our guest today, Ron Deal, brings years of experience

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that will be just the help you need

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if you have a blended family,

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or even if you're just walking through the challenges

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of having a prodigal in your family.

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So I think all of you, whether it's a blended family

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or not, are going to find this very practical and helpful.

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Ron Deal is director of family life blended

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and president of Smart Step Families.

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And I looked at some of his materials

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and you'll be able to do the same

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as we have that information in the show notes.

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So welcome, Ron.

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I'm so glad you're here.

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Oh, well, thank you very much for having me.

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I'm very honored to be with you.

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Well, it is a pleasure

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and I'm grateful to have you with us today.

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So I'm just gonna let you tell us a little

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about your background and how you got

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to where you're doing the things that you're doing.

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Nain and I have been married for 38 years.

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We've been in ministry either part time

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while we finished college or full time

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for all 38 of those years.

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We've been in and around marriage and family ministry

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specifically for about 35 years.

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So we've spent a lot of time working with young people,

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working with parents and couples.

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And in the course of doing that marriage and family work,

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first in a local church for two or three churches

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I worked for for about 22 years.

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And then venturing out and doing nonprofit work

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and now working with Family Life for the last 12 years.

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I stumbled onto this thing called Step Families.

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It was in graduate school studying marriage

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and family therapy that I gained a keen interest

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in the complexities of single parent families

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and blended families in part

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because I had been a youth pastor at one point in my life.

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And I'd worked with all these kids

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who had real internal struggles, identity issues.

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And I couldn't really understand their world

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or their family when they would describe it to me.

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And so graduate school helped me really see the dynamics

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at play and understand it.

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I came out and thought we've got to do more in the church

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to prevent problems within all families

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and all types of families.

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And so I started doing step family ministry

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only what I didn't realize is nobody else was doing that.

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So fast forward now 30 years later, Family Life and Crew

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has the largest international blended family ministry

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in the world.

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Wow.

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We have the leading resources.

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We're the ones who are telling pastors and church leaders

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what they need to know so that they can minister better

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in a local church setting.

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And on an ongoing basis, I have the privilege of doing podcasts

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and presentations and workshops and writing books

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and empowering, equipping couples as well as helping the church

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be the church to single parent families and blended families.

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And so that's what brings me to the table here today.

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And personally, I'm gonna add,

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have had some very important key friendship relationships

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and people that I cared deeply about

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that I would call not my biological children

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but people that are my kids who have prodigal.

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And so I've felt it.

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I've been around it.

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I've walked with parents.

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I've seen it from all sides

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and I don't have it all figured out cause none of us do

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but there's a few things that I picked up.

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Yeah.

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But I think I have a few things that I've picked up

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along the way that have been helpful to people.

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I'm really looking forward to this.

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We're gonna let you talk on some general topics first

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and then we're gonna get more specific.

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But I wanted to say that I'm blended families.

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In a sense, I have a blended family

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because our son who has been our prodigal,

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he's in great shape now, but he came to us.

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He was almost 10 years old

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and we had him as a foster child and then we adopted him.

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And so we're pulling into our family, our two daughters.

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It was quite a challenge for everyone

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to bring this new person into our lives.

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And it was hard for him to not be with his family

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which was primarily his birth mother and her parents.

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He never knew who his birth dad was.

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So yeah, it's definitely brings new dynamics

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into relationships and when you get that,

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you often get more challenges.

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But we'll come back to that.

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The first thing I wanna ask you is what in the world

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is how to befriend a squirrel?

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Okay, so how to befriend a squirrel?

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We just got the attention of your listener

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who's like, what is going on?

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Well, let me just back up and before I give you

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that analogy, let me just say, I think,

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at the heart of the challenge for parents

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who are loving a prodigal is the pain that you feel

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as a parent and how helpless you feel.

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And what do you do with your pain?

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That's one issue.

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And another central question has to do with

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how do I gain influence with my child?

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You're hoping that by word or example or something,

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you can keep an influence with your child

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that will bring them back.

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Or of course, we pray for God to influence our children

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through other people, circumstances,

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different things that we wanna see happen.

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But it's really all about this question of influence.

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Where does that come from?

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And if I can have more, how do I get it?

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Okay, so with that, let me just give you,

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let me ask you a question.

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If I gave you a task and I said, Judy,

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what I want you to do is I want you to go to a park,

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find the most beautiful park you can find,

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go into that park, I bet you there's a squirrel or two

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somewhere in that park.

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Probably lots.

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And here's your task, Judy.

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I want you to make a friend out of a squirrel.

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Now, what would you not do if you're trying

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to make friends with a squirrel?

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Well, I probably wouldn't chase after them.

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I certainly would not climb up in the tree to get them,

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since I'm not good at that.

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My guess is I would think, what would they like?

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Well, they would like food, nuts, or other things.

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So that's probably where I would start.

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And just say they're up at a tree,

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I might sit around at the bottom of the tree

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with eating the nuts myself even

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and offering them to them if they come down.

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That would be my approach.

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Well, let me tell you, you get an A.

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Oh, yay.

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That was an awesome, that was a great answer.

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Let's analyze for a second.

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What would you not do?

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Okay, well, chase is the first thing you cannot do.

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I just want everybody to pause for a minute.

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Your child, a prodigal, is skittish.

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They're a squirrel.

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And for whatever reason, they don't trust.

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They don't believe.

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They don't want you getting close to them.

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Maybe there's some pain that's happened

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in your relationship, maybe not.

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Maybe it's pain from somewhere else,

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some trauma in their life that has nothing to do with you,

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but still they're skittish.

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For whatever reason, they're very afraid

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of being consumed or trapped.

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Yes.

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And so because of that, chasing is off the table.

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Now, sometimes we just need to pause

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because when I talk with parents of prodigals,

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this is an eye-opening moment where they go,

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you're right, I chase all the time.

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I text them five times a day.

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I call them on a regular basis.

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They've said, don't come over to the house unannounced

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and I keep doing it.

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That's chasing.

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That's doing all the things where you're trying

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to gain some control, some influence,

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on your own strength and power and your own timing

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over a squirrel that's already skittish.

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Yeah.

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You can't chase.

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The other thing you can't do is you can't throw rocks at it.

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Yeah, that probably wouldn't work.

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You can't call it names.

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No, you can't call it names.

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You can't yell and scream at it.

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You can't do anything that is threatening to the squirrel.

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Now, in your mind, when you are getting angry

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with the squirrel, it's because you love the squirrel.

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I mean, that's the bind that parents of prodigals have is,

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this is out of desperate love for your child

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that you're trying to get their attention,

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but to the squirrel, it's just anger and threatening.

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And so that just makes them even more skittish

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and they run further and further and further.

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And we, in the process, Judy, lose our influence.

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We're not gaining influence through these strategies.

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We're losing our influence because there's a growing

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distance between us and the squirrel.

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You can't outrun a squirrel.

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And by the way, if you took a trap to the park

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and we said, oh, this is how I'm gonna make friends

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with a squirrel, I'm gonna trap it.

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Well, trapping is not friendship.

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That's not gaining influence.

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They wouldn't trust you at all, then.

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Absolutely.

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You're losing your influence with all of those strategies.

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See, unfortunately, one of the things we resort to in life

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when we feel out of control is we go to blame,

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we go to shame, we go to control,

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or we just sort of escape the whole situation somehow.

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Blame is yelling, anger at the child,

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accusing it, saying this and that,

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all with an effort to try to get it to come near us.

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When you say that out loud, you go, well, that's silly.

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It's not gonna come near you.

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Right, it's not.

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It's skittish to begin with, and now you're angry at it.

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How about controlling it?

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Nope, you can trap it, but it's not gonna wanna be your friend.

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It's gonna be trying to escape every chance it gets.

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Every time that we have it, we'll try to escape.

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How about shaming it?

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Saying something to your child that says,

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well, if you were a good son or daughter,

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you would, if you really loved your mom,

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you would, if you really were something

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that shames their heart, why do we do that?

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Now, I just wanna repeat this

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because there's really good intentions

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behind a lot of this when it comes out of us.

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It's we're really trying to bring that squirrel closer to us,

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but the reality is we're making it harder for the squirrel.

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Yes. Okay, well, you had an excellent answer

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in, well, what would you do?

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And you said, I would go to the park

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and sit under a tree, right?

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Be very calm, be very patient, be present.

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Now, present, the squirrel's up the tree,

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or the squirrel's three trees away from you,

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but you still gotta stay in one spot

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and show the squirrel that you're not going anywhere,

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and that you love it enough to persist.

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That's one big key factor.

262
00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,380
And the other thing is you gotta have something attractive

263
00:11:51,380 --> 00:11:53,100
that squirrels like.

264
00:11:53,100 --> 00:11:55,820
Even if they don't trust you, they like nuts.

265
00:11:55,820 --> 00:11:59,740
And so you sit with the nuts close enough

266
00:11:59,740 --> 00:12:02,980
that maybe eventually the squirrel on its own timing,

267
00:12:02,980 --> 00:12:06,740
and that is the biggest, hardest part

268
00:12:06,740 --> 00:12:09,100
to wait for its timing.

269
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:12,100
But as it feels like it can move towards something

270
00:12:12,100 --> 00:12:17,020
that's attractive to it, then you're gaining influence.

271
00:12:17,020 --> 00:12:18,620
You see, here's the little ingredients

272
00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,460
that are wrapped up into this.

273
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:22,700
Direction, are you facing the squirrel

274
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,380
or are you walking out of the park?

275
00:12:24,380 --> 00:12:27,020
Well, no, you gotta face the squirrel.

276
00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:28,660
Squirrel's gotta face you,

277
00:12:28,660 --> 00:12:31,060
but now where second element is distance.

278
00:12:31,060 --> 00:12:33,340
How far away is the squirrel from you?

279
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:35,940
If it's all the way across the park from where you are,

280
00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:38,540
well, your influence is low, right?

281
00:12:38,540 --> 00:12:40,300
You may be facing one another,

282
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,660
but at a great distance, you really don't have much influence.

283
00:12:43,660 --> 00:12:45,180
And then the third element is just

284
00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:46,780
what we might call anxiety.

285
00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:49,380
Is the squirrel going, oh my gosh, who's that person?

286
00:12:49,380 --> 00:12:50,220
I don't trust them.

287
00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,020
I don't know what this is about.

288
00:12:52,020 --> 00:12:53,540
And they tried to trap me before

289
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,580
and they've chased me for a long time.

290
00:12:55,580 --> 00:12:58,540
I'm just assuming they're gonna keep chasing me now.

291
00:12:58,540 --> 00:13:01,780
Whatever those elements are, it adds up to,

292
00:13:01,780 --> 00:13:05,460
I don't feel comfortable moving toward that person.

293
00:13:07,060 --> 00:13:09,420
This is the story of the prodigal son, think about it.

294
00:13:09,420 --> 00:13:14,420
On day one, father and son were facing one another.

295
00:13:14,580 --> 00:13:16,060
They lived in the same home.

296
00:13:16,060 --> 00:13:17,540
They had that going for them

297
00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:19,260
and they also had distance going for them.

298
00:13:19,260 --> 00:13:20,860
They were close, relatively close,

299
00:13:20,860 --> 00:13:22,820
in proximity to one another.

300
00:13:22,820 --> 00:13:24,460
But as the anxiety went up

301
00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:27,860
and the son says, I want my stuff, I'm out of here.

302
00:13:27,860 --> 00:13:30,700
All of a sudden, the son has turned

303
00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,020
and his direction has changed.

304
00:13:32,020 --> 00:13:34,620
He is facing away from the father.

305
00:13:34,620 --> 00:13:36,980
And then over time, he's moving physically away.

306
00:13:36,980 --> 00:13:38,460
So now we have a direction problem

307
00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:40,980
and a distance problem and anxiety problem.

308
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:44,540
And all three add up to a great, great distance.

309
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:47,140
And the prodigal is way out there

310
00:13:47,140 --> 00:13:49,180
and the influence is low.

311
00:13:49,180 --> 00:13:50,860
Now, what I love about the story,

312
00:13:50,860 --> 00:13:53,260
of course, this is the God part,

313
00:13:53,260 --> 00:13:55,100
is that the father waits.

314
00:13:55,100 --> 00:13:57,460
And you can just sort of posture him

315
00:13:57,460 --> 00:14:00,380
facing wherever it is that he thinks his son is.

316
00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:01,500
He's always there.

317
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,460
He's sitting in the park.

318
00:14:03,460 --> 00:14:06,700
He's calm, he's present, he's not going away.

319
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:11,420
He's persisting and he's showing his willingness to remain.

320
00:14:11,420 --> 00:14:14,260
You think of the fact that he sees him coming.

321
00:14:14,260 --> 00:14:15,860
Well, that means he's watching.

322
00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:16,700
That's right.

323
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,740
So he's not out there, he's waiting.

324
00:14:18,740 --> 00:14:19,660
That's right.

325
00:14:19,660 --> 00:14:22,220
And so the change of heart in the prodigal

326
00:14:22,220 --> 00:14:24,940
is where we have a change in direction.

327
00:14:24,940 --> 00:14:27,340
The son's face turns back towards the father,

328
00:14:27,340 --> 00:14:28,980
back towards home.

329
00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:30,220
Now, he's still a long ways off.

330
00:14:30,220 --> 00:14:31,820
So we still have a distance problem, right?

331
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:33,860
So see these three elements,

332
00:14:33,860 --> 00:14:35,460
we've got to get them all three working

333
00:14:35,460 --> 00:14:36,540
in the right direction.

334
00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:40,380
But eventually distance decreases.

335
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:41,780
He's now facing the father.

336
00:14:41,780 --> 00:14:44,260
They're now, direction is good.

337
00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:47,140
And, but the son comes home with all that anxiety.

338
00:14:47,140 --> 00:14:49,180
I know you don't want to accept me as your son.

339
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:51,180
There's no way you can take me back.

340
00:14:51,180 --> 00:14:53,100
And the father puts that to rest by saying,

341
00:14:53,100 --> 00:14:54,340
no, no, no, no, you don't understand.

342
00:14:54,340 --> 00:14:55,180
It's okay.

343
00:14:55,180 --> 00:14:56,020
I love you.

344
00:14:56,020 --> 00:14:56,860
You're my son.

345
00:14:56,860 --> 00:14:57,860
You're always welcome here.

346
00:14:58,900 --> 00:14:59,740
I love it.

347
00:14:59,740 --> 00:15:01,700
When we, when we become,

348
00:15:01,700 --> 00:15:04,860
when we get into our pain as parents,

349
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,140
we resort to all the wrong strategies.

350
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,260
We start chasing, we start blaming,

351
00:15:09,260 --> 00:15:11,380
we start trying to control,

352
00:15:11,380 --> 00:15:14,300
we start trying to, we're grasping for straws.

353
00:15:14,300 --> 00:15:16,340
And understandably so.

354
00:15:16,340 --> 00:15:17,740
We love our kid.

355
00:15:17,740 --> 00:15:18,580
We want them back.

356
00:15:18,580 --> 00:15:19,860
We want them with the Lord.

357
00:15:19,860 --> 00:15:23,020
We, so we resort to what we think will work

358
00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:25,260
and it doesn't work.

359
00:15:25,260 --> 00:15:28,420
We have to manage our own pain

360
00:15:28,420 --> 00:15:30,860
so that we don't inadvertently do things

361
00:15:30,860 --> 00:15:34,300
that make it harder for the squirrel to A,

362
00:15:34,300 --> 00:15:36,940
even face us.

363
00:15:36,940 --> 00:15:39,340
B, begin to close the distance.

364
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:42,380
Seeing that there might be something attracted.

365
00:15:42,380 --> 00:15:45,100
There might be something worth moving toward there.

366
00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:47,860
I mean, all of that is on the squirrel.

367
00:15:47,860 --> 00:15:50,900
And that's what's so difficult about this process

368
00:15:50,900 --> 00:15:52,020
for us as parents.

369
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:55,700
We don't like just hanging out in the park and waiting.

370
00:15:55,700 --> 00:15:58,300
That is not what parenting is about.

371
00:15:58,300 --> 00:16:00,180
Like we, you know, when they were young,

372
00:16:00,180 --> 00:16:01,460
we did a whole lot of action.

373
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:05,100
And now we're just sort of, the action is waiting.

374
00:16:05,100 --> 00:16:09,020
And that is super, super difficult and hard.

375
00:16:09,020 --> 00:16:14,020
But the point is, until those elements are working for us,

376
00:16:14,020 --> 00:16:16,300
the squirrel just keeps running.

377
00:16:16,300 --> 00:16:17,940
How does that hit you?

378
00:16:17,940 --> 00:16:21,380
Well, it certainly makes a lot of sense.

379
00:16:21,380 --> 00:16:22,220
A couple of things.

380
00:16:22,220 --> 00:16:25,980
First of all, the story of the prodigal son and his father,

381
00:16:25,980 --> 00:16:28,940
one of my very favorite stories in scripture

382
00:16:28,940 --> 00:16:33,620
and how I am always saying on this podcast and in my book.

383
00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:38,260
And when I talk to people that we need to reach out to them

384
00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:43,260
as not chase them, but have open arms as opposed to

385
00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:44,900
pushing them away.

386
00:16:44,900 --> 00:16:49,500
And so what you're talking about is that when they're,

387
00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:54,500
when they are close and you can have the open arms around them,

388
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:58,420
then that's a great thing.

389
00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:02,660
But when they pulled away, you can't be grabbing.

390
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:04,820
Right, right.

391
00:17:04,820 --> 00:17:07,260
And another thing that reminds me of,

392
00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:12,100
and it's similar as I have a friend who has done a lot of work

393
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:16,860
with teenagers mostly and now young adults,

394
00:17:16,860 --> 00:17:21,380
but she says, she has a book it's called Bring Them Close.

395
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:26,060
The most common word and what causes the kids not to trust

396
00:17:26,060 --> 00:17:29,580
is that when there's a conflict or a misunderstanding

397
00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:34,580
or a misbehaving, the parent will often say, go to your room.

398
00:17:36,460 --> 00:17:40,660
And when actuality, you're sending them away then

399
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,620
as opposed to bring them close, that might mean

400
00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:47,780
with younger ones, especially physical, bring them close.

401
00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:52,780
But with others, it's a not distancing between them.

402
00:17:54,420 --> 00:17:58,860
And so I really like what you're saying about,

403
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,420
you have to be patient and wait.

404
00:18:01,420 --> 00:18:04,500
And I would say that's true, the older they get,

405
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,420
the more you have to wait.

406
00:18:06,420 --> 00:18:09,460
But the concept of the distance

407
00:18:09,460 --> 00:18:12,780
and not scaring them away.

408
00:18:12,780 --> 00:18:14,220
You know, as we unpack this,

409
00:18:14,220 --> 00:18:16,700
a couple of things come to the surface for some people.

410
00:18:16,700 --> 00:18:20,260
One of them is, oh, I didn't realize I was chasing

411
00:18:20,260 --> 00:18:24,620
when I was telling my son that he was absolutely wrong

412
00:18:24,620 --> 00:18:25,740
and going to hell.

413
00:18:25,740 --> 00:18:29,460
And well, yeah, you were chasing with anger and blame

414
00:18:29,460 --> 00:18:34,140
and in a manner that made them not trust your message.

415
00:18:34,140 --> 00:18:36,540
And so when people sort of wake up to those little moments,

416
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:38,260
they go, well, what do I do now?

417
00:18:38,260 --> 00:18:39,700
You know, we're already in this place

418
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:41,180
where there's a lot of distance

419
00:18:41,180 --> 00:18:43,580
and my child is not facing me.

420
00:18:43,580 --> 00:18:46,780
I don't have the direction working in my favor.

421
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:49,220
It's working against us right now.

422
00:18:49,220 --> 00:18:51,300
And it's like, yeah, well,

423
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:54,260
there's no fix that is up to you.

424
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:56,500
Squirrel has to do a lot of heart change.

425
00:18:56,500 --> 00:19:00,580
But it really would be helpful if you would apologize.

426
00:19:00,580 --> 00:19:04,260
It really would be helpful if you would own that part of you

427
00:19:04,260 --> 00:19:07,500
in a way that just communicated to the squirrel,

428
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,140
hey, I want you to know that I get that

429
00:19:10,140 --> 00:19:12,500
what I was doing back then or yesterday

430
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:16,780
or whenever it was, that doesn't make you trust me.

431
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:20,980
And I apologize for making you feel small

432
00:19:20,980 --> 00:19:22,380
or shaming you or whatever.

433
00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:25,220
And I thought I was doing the right thing,

434
00:19:25,220 --> 00:19:27,660
but I'm now realizing I was not doing the right thing.

435
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:29,780
And I just want you to know, I'm not going anywhere.

436
00:19:29,780 --> 00:19:32,300
See, this is that language of I'm sitting in the park.

437
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:33,860
I'm not going anywhere.

438
00:19:33,860 --> 00:19:34,940
I love you.

439
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:36,060
I apologize.

440
00:19:36,060 --> 00:19:37,740
I hope someday you'll give me another chance

441
00:19:37,740 --> 00:19:39,060
and maybe we can have a conversation,

442
00:19:39,060 --> 00:19:42,020
but that's going to be on your time, not on mine.

443
00:19:42,020 --> 00:19:44,060
And then you sort of let it go.

444
00:19:44,060 --> 00:19:49,060
That's an amazing thing to say that it's up to the parent

445
00:19:49,260 --> 00:19:53,500
to open the apology in a sense.

446
00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:56,660
They may owe you an apology as well.

447
00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:57,540
Yeah, absolutely.

448
00:19:57,540 --> 00:20:01,140
But it's right for you to be the one to say,

449
00:20:01,140 --> 00:20:04,460
I'm sorry that this threatened you

450
00:20:04,460 --> 00:20:08,740
or that this hurt you in some way that I did or said

451
00:20:08,740 --> 00:20:10,340
or how I acted.

452
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:14,980
And that's very hard for a lot of parents to do.

453
00:20:14,980 --> 00:20:16,700
They are sure that they're right.

454
00:20:17,660 --> 00:20:20,060
And they're probably right about their child's behavior.

455
00:20:20,060 --> 00:20:21,260
And this is where somebody will push back

456
00:20:21,260 --> 00:20:23,580
and they'll go, Ron, my son's doing,

457
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:26,700
my daughter's doing this activity behavior choices

458
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:28,340
all sinful bad.

459
00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:31,500
If I apologize, it's like I'm saying that that's okay,

460
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,500
that they're doing all that.

461
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,580
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

462
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:36,900
Nobody's saying that's okay.

463
00:20:36,900 --> 00:20:39,780
It's just you owning your half,

464
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:43,020
your part of this little dance.

465
00:20:43,020 --> 00:20:44,620
And that's all you're owning.

466
00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:46,620
And if they were to come to you and say,

467
00:20:46,620 --> 00:20:48,780
oh, so you're okay with me living this sort of life?

468
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:51,220
No, we love you.

469
00:20:51,220 --> 00:20:52,740
We're not going anywhere.

470
00:20:52,740 --> 00:20:55,420
We can't give approval to that, but we love you.

471
00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:58,740
Like your heart is, we're in favor of you.

472
00:20:58,740 --> 00:21:00,660
Just not that behavior.

473
00:21:00,660 --> 00:21:02,340
We can't celebrate that.

474
00:21:03,340 --> 00:21:08,340
And so you make those distinguishing truths

475
00:21:08,820 --> 00:21:09,820
every once in a while.

476
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:13,780
But the point is, what you're saying is,

477
00:21:13,780 --> 00:21:17,300
I'm owning what I did and I am letting you know

478
00:21:17,300 --> 00:21:18,380
that I'm gonna work really hard

479
00:21:18,380 --> 00:21:21,780
not to do those kinds of things anymore.

480
00:21:21,780 --> 00:21:24,220
Now, any squirrel that's skittish,

481
00:21:24,220 --> 00:21:26,620
that's had a few rocks thrown at it,

482
00:21:26,620 --> 00:21:29,020
who's already run up and down the tree 80 times,

483
00:21:29,020 --> 00:21:32,260
and just isn't really interested

484
00:21:32,260 --> 00:21:35,020
in whatever nuts you're bringing to the park

485
00:21:35,020 --> 00:21:36,740
is gonna need a lot of time.

486
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:37,820
Yeah, that's really true.

487
00:21:37,820 --> 00:21:39,340
For that to begin to change.

488
00:21:39,340 --> 00:21:43,260
And so this sitting in the park and actively waiting thing

489
00:21:43,260 --> 00:21:45,860
is waiting a long time.

490
00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:48,740
It's taken advantage of the little moments you have,

491
00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:50,260
maybe at holidays or birthdays

492
00:21:50,260 --> 00:21:52,020
or the time that you do get

493
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,220
or whatever those little spaces come,

494
00:21:54,220 --> 00:21:56,980
taking advantage of it, but not by throwing rocks,

495
00:21:56,980 --> 00:21:58,660
not by trying to trap or control,

496
00:21:58,660 --> 00:22:01,340
not, you can't do any of that old behavior

497
00:22:01,340 --> 00:22:04,500
that is attempting to make the squirrel

498
00:22:04,500 --> 00:22:06,620
what you want it to be.

499
00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:09,540
You can't do that anymore.

500
00:22:09,540 --> 00:22:12,580
You gotta wait for the squirrel to come to you.

501
00:22:12,580 --> 00:22:15,460
Well, and again, that whole concept

502
00:22:15,460 --> 00:22:19,460
is one that says the parents or whoever

503
00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:23,220
is trying to rebuild relationship needs

504
00:22:23,220 --> 00:22:27,060
to be willing to own that maybe they had a part in this.

505
00:22:27,060 --> 00:22:31,220
That it's not all the fault of the prodigal

506
00:22:31,220 --> 00:22:33,620
or the person who's run away

507
00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:37,900
or maybe not physically, but often it is.

508
00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:39,140
It's just a hard thing.

509
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:42,660
Parents think we know we're wise, we're mature,

510
00:22:42,660 --> 00:22:44,940
we've made the right choices

511
00:22:44,940 --> 00:22:48,260
and they're the ones making the wrong choices.

512
00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:53,260
And they may be, yes, probably are making the wrong choices,

513
00:22:53,260 --> 00:22:58,260
but if we can't own that maybe some of our behavior

514
00:22:58,380 --> 00:23:03,380
or way we respond to them has been part of the push away,

515
00:23:04,180 --> 00:23:07,980
it's very hard to renew and refresh

516
00:23:07,980 --> 00:23:10,540
and heal a relationship.

517
00:23:10,540 --> 00:23:11,660
That's so insightful.

518
00:23:11,660 --> 00:23:13,660
Let me connect a couple of other dots for you.

519
00:23:13,660 --> 00:23:18,660
So not only do we as adults, when we have a painful moment,

520
00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:21,380
by the way, this is true of any pain in our life,

521
00:23:21,380 --> 00:23:23,660
whether it's a work related pain or a friendship

522
00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:27,020
or a marriage that just brings a sense of hurt

523
00:23:27,020 --> 00:23:30,700
to your life or a child that's acting out in ways

524
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:32,540
and moving away from the Lord.

525
00:23:32,540 --> 00:23:36,100
So we do the blame, shame, control or escape thing,

526
00:23:36,100 --> 00:23:37,600
but so do kids.

527
00:23:37,600 --> 00:23:39,460
And here's the connection.

528
00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:42,460
Sometimes our blame or shame stuff we did,

529
00:23:42,460 --> 00:23:46,420
no son of mine's gonna, you know, nope, you're a deal.

530
00:23:46,420 --> 00:23:48,180
We don't act that way.

531
00:23:48,180 --> 00:23:50,420
That's a shame or a lot more than that.

532
00:23:50,420 --> 00:23:53,660
Kids in their pain also do, you dad, it's your fault,

533
00:23:53,660 --> 00:23:57,300
that it's a shame, oh, it must be me, I'm just unlovable.

534
00:23:57,300 --> 00:23:59,500
My dad can't receive me because he's told me,

535
00:23:59,500 --> 00:24:01,380
I'm not good enough to be a deal.

536
00:24:01,380 --> 00:24:02,360
That's shame.

537
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:04,460
If they internalize that sort of thing,

538
00:24:04,460 --> 00:24:06,640
now it's like they're trying to find their worth

539
00:24:06,640 --> 00:24:08,660
and whatever will come along their pathway

540
00:24:08,660 --> 00:24:10,500
and that opens them up to all kinds

541
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:11,900
of negative influences in the world.

542
00:24:11,900 --> 00:24:14,120
So they can do blame, they can do shame,

543
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:17,240
they can do control where they try to control their world

544
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:19,540
and I'm gonna prove, I'm gonna get straight A's

545
00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:20,940
from my dad who received me.

546
00:24:20,940 --> 00:24:23,340
I'm gonna be the best basketball player and football player.

547
00:24:23,340 --> 00:24:24,420
I'm gonna get a scholar.

548
00:24:24,420 --> 00:24:28,660
Then that proves to be fruitless or they do escape

549
00:24:28,660 --> 00:24:31,620
and escape is into drugs and alcohol and friendships

550
00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:34,060
and the world and anybody that will receive them

551
00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:37,140
in sex and pornography and like there's lots

552
00:24:37,140 --> 00:24:40,300
of expressions of those coping styles

553
00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:45,020
and often those things are what they end up chasing

554
00:24:45,020 --> 00:24:47,240
into their prodigal journey.

555
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:48,420
And they're still stuck in that

556
00:24:48,420 --> 00:24:49,580
just like you were stuck in that.

557
00:24:49,580 --> 00:24:51,460
So when you as a parent say,

558
00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:53,380
you know what, I just recognize something in me.

559
00:24:53,380 --> 00:24:57,340
I've been chasing you by being mad at you.

560
00:24:57,340 --> 00:24:58,420
And here I was trying to get,

561
00:24:58,420 --> 00:25:00,060
because I love you so crazy.

562
00:25:00,060 --> 00:25:03,900
I wanted you to come back and get right with the Lord.

563
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,140
And because of that, I just got mad at you all the time

564
00:25:06,140 --> 00:25:08,100
and I made you feel small and I am so sorry

565
00:25:08,100 --> 00:25:09,580
and that's not right of me.

566
00:25:09,580 --> 00:25:10,700
And I'm repenting of that.

567
00:25:10,700 --> 00:25:12,700
I'm gonna try not to do that anymore.

568
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:17,180
What you're doing without saying the words and son,

569
00:25:17,180 --> 00:25:18,900
I hope you'll do the same.

570
00:25:18,900 --> 00:25:20,500
Without you never say those words,

571
00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:22,020
cause that's a chase, right?

572
00:25:22,020 --> 00:25:23,540
That's you now saying to the squirrel,

573
00:25:23,540 --> 00:25:24,700
I got this for you.

574
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:26,900
You just gotta let me control it.

575
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:30,380
What you never do, but you model what it is

576
00:25:30,380 --> 00:25:32,900
to take control of your own heart.

577
00:25:33,860 --> 00:25:37,340
Now that might be in the long run, not today.

578
00:25:37,340 --> 00:25:39,060
I guarantee it won't happen quick,

579
00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:42,420
but someday that might turn in to be,

580
00:25:42,420 --> 00:25:44,540
well, a few nuts that you've just laid out

581
00:25:44,540 --> 00:25:46,660
on the ground in the park.

582
00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:50,180
Like all of a sudden you're a little more attractive

583
00:25:50,180 --> 00:25:51,900
as a person, as a parent.

584
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:56,420
You got a little safer to this 35 year old child

585
00:25:56,420 --> 00:25:59,380
that you've been chasing for a really long time.

586
00:25:59,380 --> 00:26:04,060
So it is the pathway not only to what is right

587
00:26:04,060 --> 00:26:06,780
for you to do, but it becomes a model for them

588
00:26:06,780 --> 00:26:09,260
of what it's right for them to do.

589
00:26:09,260 --> 00:26:14,180
So what you're talking about is influence.

590
00:26:14,180 --> 00:26:17,460
It all comes to how much influence do I have?

591
00:26:17,460 --> 00:26:20,580
There's an old phrase, you keep your friends close

592
00:26:20,580 --> 00:26:22,540
and your enemies closer.

593
00:26:23,940 --> 00:26:26,180
Why do you wanna keep your enemies closer?

594
00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:27,780
Because you don't have influence

595
00:26:27,780 --> 00:26:29,940
if there are long ways away.

596
00:26:29,940 --> 00:26:32,420
As distance grows, you lose,

597
00:26:32,420 --> 00:26:35,940
how much influence do we have over Iran and Russia right now?

598
00:26:35,940 --> 00:26:38,780
And nothing, not too much, right?

599
00:26:38,780 --> 00:26:41,660
It is in diplomacy, it is in relationship

600
00:26:41,660 --> 00:26:43,220
that you gain influence.

601
00:26:43,220 --> 00:26:47,020
So when, I've often struggled as a family therapist,

602
00:26:47,020 --> 00:26:49,940
I've worked with some families where one parent will say,

603
00:26:49,940 --> 00:26:51,260
okay, that's it, I'm done.

604
00:26:51,260 --> 00:26:53,900
If my child is gonna continue to think X, Y, or Z

605
00:26:53,900 --> 00:26:57,420
or do X, Y, or Z, they're out of the house.

606
00:26:57,420 --> 00:26:59,740
And my thought is, okay, wait a minute,

607
00:26:59,740 --> 00:27:02,700
you just totally self-sabotized your influence.

608
00:27:02,700 --> 00:27:05,700
The further you push your child away,

609
00:27:05,700 --> 00:27:07,220
the less influence you have.

610
00:27:07,220 --> 00:27:09,820
Are you trying to diminish your influence?

611
00:27:09,820 --> 00:27:10,940
And the answer of course is no,

612
00:27:10,940 --> 00:27:13,340
that parent thinks by threatening the child

613
00:27:13,340 --> 00:27:14,220
or kicking them out,

614
00:27:14,220 --> 00:27:15,900
that they're gonna make the child repent.

615
00:27:15,900 --> 00:27:17,340
It doesn't work that way.

616
00:27:17,340 --> 00:27:20,180
You just made your enemy, if I could say it like that,

617
00:27:20,180 --> 00:27:23,500
further from you, you have less influence now

618
00:27:23,500 --> 00:27:25,260
in their life, not more.

619
00:27:25,260 --> 00:27:29,020
What you gotta do is figure out ways of being a safe person

620
00:27:29,020 --> 00:27:31,460
that they feel like they can move toward.

621
00:27:31,460 --> 00:27:34,260
This does not mean you condone their behavior

622
00:27:34,260 --> 00:27:36,860
or their lifestyle, does not mean that.

623
00:27:36,860 --> 00:27:38,700
So talk about that a little more

624
00:27:38,700 --> 00:27:42,540
because I can hear lots of listeners saying,

625
00:27:42,540 --> 00:27:47,540
well, I don't have to tolerate what they're doing in my home

626
00:27:48,340 --> 00:27:52,860
if it affects other people or we're supporting this.

627
00:27:52,860 --> 00:27:54,980
So what about then?

628
00:27:54,980 --> 00:27:57,540
What I'm saying is the woman caught in adult Jesus do.

629
00:27:57,540 --> 00:28:00,100
They move toward her, they move away from her.

630
00:28:00,100 --> 00:28:01,940
He moved toward her.

631
00:28:01,940 --> 00:28:06,460
And in so doing, gained influence to say,

632
00:28:06,460 --> 00:28:07,780
now go and send no more.

633
00:28:07,780 --> 00:28:08,940
But first things first,

634
00:28:08,940 --> 00:28:11,980
you move toward to gain influence, not away.

635
00:28:13,140 --> 00:28:14,940
Story after story of story.

636
00:28:14,940 --> 00:28:16,940
The whole biblical story is one big

637
00:28:16,940 --> 00:28:18,620
God moving toward us sinners.

638
00:28:18,620 --> 00:28:19,780
Absolutely.

639
00:28:19,780 --> 00:28:22,340
That from the moment we get kicked out of the garden,

640
00:28:22,340 --> 00:28:24,300
God's moving toward us in grace.

641
00:28:24,300 --> 00:28:25,780
That is the story.

642
00:28:25,780 --> 00:28:27,900
And does he gain influence with us through doing that?

643
00:28:27,900 --> 00:28:28,740
Absolutely.

644
00:28:28,740 --> 00:28:32,820
Now some of us like me have had a hardness in our hearts

645
00:28:32,820 --> 00:28:35,820
and found ourselves not really walking with God very closely

646
00:28:35,820 --> 00:28:38,220
and not really following his commands

647
00:28:38,220 --> 00:28:40,660
and wanting to do our own thing and pretty selfish.

648
00:28:40,660 --> 00:28:42,100
That's part of my story.

649
00:28:43,300 --> 00:28:46,340
But God's been pursuing me for like thousands of years

650
00:28:46,340 --> 00:28:48,620
through the existence of the world.

651
00:28:48,620 --> 00:28:50,260
How old are you?

652
00:28:50,260 --> 00:28:51,580
Yes, exactly.

653
00:28:51,580 --> 00:28:54,820
And so it's like, okay, so God has this ability

654
00:28:54,820 --> 00:28:59,380
to move toward but not embrace everything about me.

655
00:28:59,380 --> 00:29:04,380
And yet when I get finally where I'm motivated by his mercy

656
00:29:04,380 --> 00:29:08,420
and I give him, he's got all kinds of influence in my life.

657
00:29:08,420 --> 00:29:11,740
That is the biblical story and that is the parental story.

658
00:29:11,740 --> 00:29:13,620
I think that we want to go for.

659
00:29:13,620 --> 00:29:15,340
Now let me just tell you one other good story

660
00:29:15,340 --> 00:29:16,420
just to illustrate.

661
00:29:16,420 --> 00:29:17,700
I know there's a tension here.

662
00:29:17,700 --> 00:29:20,700
I'm not meaning to make this sound easy

663
00:29:20,700 --> 00:29:22,740
because when our kids are living a certain life

664
00:29:22,740 --> 00:29:24,220
or doing certain things,

665
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,940
we don't want to give the impression we're okay with that.

666
00:29:26,940 --> 00:29:28,220
And yet at the same time,

667
00:29:28,220 --> 00:29:30,060
we've got to find a way to move toward.

668
00:29:30,060 --> 00:29:33,100
So very dear friends of ours,

669
00:29:33,100 --> 00:29:34,980
very, very dear friends of ours,

670
00:29:36,180 --> 00:29:39,460
have a daughter who came out as a lesbian

671
00:29:39,460 --> 00:29:41,940
and then announced that she was getting married.

672
00:29:41,940 --> 00:29:45,100
Now this is a young woman that I have three boys.

673
00:29:46,220 --> 00:29:47,740
This is the daughter I never had.

674
00:29:49,540 --> 00:29:51,420
And so what do I do?

675
00:29:51,420 --> 00:29:52,460
Do I go to the wedding?

676
00:29:52,460 --> 00:29:56,860
Do I, how do you, here's what I decided to do.

677
00:29:56,860 --> 00:29:59,620
And in hindsight, I still feel pretty good about this.

678
00:29:59,620 --> 00:30:02,260
Nothing's clean, nothing's perfect,

679
00:30:02,260 --> 00:30:03,540
but this is what I decided to do.

680
00:30:03,540 --> 00:30:08,540
I took her to lunch and okay, so I'm moving toward.

681
00:30:09,140 --> 00:30:10,140
I didn't make a phone call,

682
00:30:10,140 --> 00:30:11,420
say I'm not coming to your wedding.

683
00:30:11,420 --> 00:30:12,980
I didn't just not show up.

684
00:30:12,980 --> 00:30:15,700
I didn't not respond to the RSVP.

685
00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:17,780
Moving away does not increase influence.

686
00:30:17,780 --> 00:30:21,220
I have to figure out how to move toward, take her to lunch.

687
00:30:21,220 --> 00:30:24,460
And I tell her how much I love her.

688
00:30:24,460 --> 00:30:27,580
And I tell her how I am never leaving her life.

689
00:30:27,580 --> 00:30:29,780
And she is welcome in my home any day of the week.

690
00:30:29,780 --> 00:30:32,940
And we're gonna still celebrate holidays together.

691
00:30:32,940 --> 00:30:36,620
And we are gonna continue to do life as we have done it

692
00:30:36,620 --> 00:30:41,620
all these years since she's been born into the world.

693
00:30:42,420 --> 00:30:45,180
But I say to her, but I can't come to your wedding,

694
00:30:45,180 --> 00:30:48,260
celebrate you, I do not celebrate this new thing

695
00:30:48,260 --> 00:30:50,100
you're creating with another woman.

696
00:30:50,100 --> 00:30:53,140
I can't celebrate that, but I am not stopping

697
00:30:53,140 --> 00:30:55,140
to celebrate you.

698
00:30:55,140 --> 00:30:59,300
So committed to you, just not gonna be a part of that.

699
00:30:59,300 --> 00:31:00,700
Does that make sense?

700
00:31:00,700 --> 00:31:04,580
And she was gracious and she said, yes, I can see how that,

701
00:31:04,580 --> 00:31:08,060
but the whole process was me moving toward her.

702
00:31:08,060 --> 00:31:13,140
And then defining, I am for you, I'm not for this.

703
00:31:13,140 --> 00:31:16,180
And then as quickly as we could, we had her back in her home,

704
00:31:16,180 --> 00:31:18,340
we had more relationship, I get on the phone,

705
00:31:18,340 --> 00:31:22,460
we engage life together.

706
00:31:22,460 --> 00:31:24,980
Because if I don't keep moving toward her,

707
00:31:24,980 --> 00:31:27,260
it's gonna be really easy for her to just feel like,

708
00:31:27,260 --> 00:31:32,260
well, Ron's just, he's not gonna be a part of my world

709
00:31:33,060 --> 00:31:37,460
at all and I can't have, no, there is a way

710
00:31:37,460 --> 00:31:40,100
to move toward even in that tension,

711
00:31:40,100 --> 00:31:44,340
but then not celebrate that peace.

712
00:31:44,340 --> 00:31:48,820
And so that's ultimately sometimes what parents

713
00:31:48,820 --> 00:31:50,620
or prodigals are gonna have to look for.

714
00:31:50,620 --> 00:31:53,340
It is messy, it is not clean.

715
00:31:53,340 --> 00:31:55,260
And it's a pretty miserable experience for you

716
00:31:55,260 --> 00:31:57,580
because as you move toward that person,

717
00:31:57,580 --> 00:32:01,380
you feel like you're so torn inside and you're in angst

718
00:32:01,380 --> 00:32:03,420
and you just wish they'd get their life figured out

719
00:32:03,420 --> 00:32:05,500
and right and that's our pain.

720
00:32:05,500 --> 00:32:07,780
And it's our job to manage our pain,

721
00:32:07,780 --> 00:32:11,780
not make the squirrel manage our pain.

722
00:32:11,780 --> 00:32:14,180
Cause squirrels are skittish, they don't care about your pain.

723
00:32:14,180 --> 00:32:16,380
They are very skittish, yes.

724
00:32:16,380 --> 00:32:18,980
You know, they just can't take responsibility

725
00:32:18,980 --> 00:32:20,620
to make you okay.

726
00:32:20,620 --> 00:32:22,300
That's my job.

727
00:32:22,300 --> 00:32:23,980
And as I look at Jesus, I think,

728
00:32:23,980 --> 00:32:28,060
wow, he did a fantastic job of embracing people moving to.

729
00:32:28,060 --> 00:32:29,460
All the time he did.

730
00:32:32,380 --> 00:32:35,060
Zacchaeus, that's another great story

731
00:32:35,060 --> 00:32:36,340
of Jesus moving towards somebody.

732
00:32:36,340 --> 00:32:38,460
You ever noticed he said, I'm coming to your home

733
00:32:38,460 --> 00:32:40,220
long before Zacchaeus ever repented?

734
00:32:40,220 --> 00:32:41,060
Yeah, right.

735
00:32:41,060 --> 00:32:41,900
Well, how can he do that?

736
00:32:41,900 --> 00:32:42,940
How can he embrace that center?

737
00:32:42,940 --> 00:32:44,060
Well, that's what he does.

738
00:32:44,060 --> 00:32:47,540
He can move into that tension without embracing

739
00:32:47,540 --> 00:32:49,300
who the person was or their behavior.

740
00:32:49,300 --> 00:32:51,020
And he did it over and over.

741
00:32:51,020 --> 00:32:52,980
It's hard, it is super, super hard,

742
00:32:52,980 --> 00:32:55,260
which is why we need people like you helping to speak

743
00:32:55,260 --> 00:32:57,660
into this and giving people community,

744
00:32:57,660 --> 00:33:00,300
because we got to sort of just, you know,

745
00:33:00,300 --> 00:33:02,740
bleed on each other, even though, and then,

746
00:33:02,740 --> 00:33:04,100
because it is so difficult.

747
00:33:04,100 --> 00:33:05,500
It is hard, it is.

748
00:33:05,500 --> 00:33:08,620
So, and then when you put families together

749
00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:11,740
who weren't families to begin with,

750
00:33:11,740 --> 00:33:16,740
and so bring some of this into what it's like

751
00:33:16,740 --> 00:33:18,940
when you've got children,

752
00:33:18,940 --> 00:33:23,940
a new mom, a new dad, new siblings all of a sudden,

753
00:33:23,940 --> 00:33:27,740
and you might not have chosen them.

754
00:33:27,740 --> 00:33:29,940
Yeah, you know, for blended families,

755
00:33:29,940 --> 00:33:32,660
when there's a protocol,

756
00:33:32,660 --> 00:33:34,940
one word I would give you is stress.

757
00:33:34,940 --> 00:33:38,620
Sometimes it's just stress that has kind of created

758
00:33:38,620 --> 00:33:42,540
the distance or created the change of direction

759
00:33:42,540 --> 00:33:44,900
between you and that child, step child,

760
00:33:44,900 --> 00:33:46,060
whatever that situation is.

761
00:33:46,060 --> 00:33:48,420
And let me just explain a couple of data points

762
00:33:48,420 --> 00:33:49,460
for your listeners.

763
00:33:50,380 --> 00:33:52,420
I think everybody would intuitively say,

764
00:33:52,420 --> 00:33:55,900
wow, if a parent dies, that's hard on a kid.

765
00:33:55,900 --> 00:33:57,940
Yes, it is.

766
00:33:57,940 --> 00:33:59,460
Of any age, it's hard on a child,

767
00:33:59,460 --> 00:34:01,060
but in particular, children that are young

768
00:34:01,060 --> 00:34:03,860
and in their adolescent years, for example,

769
00:34:03,860 --> 00:34:05,380
going through a parental divorce,

770
00:34:05,380 --> 00:34:08,980
that is a highly stressful period of time for any child.

771
00:34:09,980 --> 00:34:12,740
Even we say sometimes under the best of circumstances,

772
00:34:12,740 --> 00:34:14,340
and you know, an amicable divorce,

773
00:34:14,340 --> 00:34:15,380
it's still super high stress.

774
00:34:15,380 --> 00:34:17,660
It's still very hard.

775
00:34:17,660 --> 00:34:20,300
Now here's what most people don't realize.

776
00:34:20,300 --> 00:34:22,860
Every day after that, let's call it an earthquake.

777
00:34:22,860 --> 00:34:24,700
The death of the parent or the divorce,

778
00:34:24,700 --> 00:34:26,660
let's call it the earthquake.

779
00:34:26,660 --> 00:34:29,460
Every day after that is filled with aftershocks

780
00:34:29,460 --> 00:34:32,060
that are almost too numerous to count for a child.

781
00:34:32,060 --> 00:34:34,700
We changed homes, we went to a different place,

782
00:34:34,700 --> 00:34:37,300
family income got cut in half, maybe cut in a third.

783
00:34:37,300 --> 00:34:40,500
If I live with one parent who was a lower income parent,

784
00:34:40,500 --> 00:34:43,860
and now this kid can't play baseball and can't do track

785
00:34:43,860 --> 00:34:46,220
and can't be on the weekend, whatever team,

786
00:34:46,220 --> 00:34:48,620
because nobody can afford it.

787
00:34:48,620 --> 00:34:51,140
We had to change schools, so I lost friends.

788
00:34:51,140 --> 00:34:53,060
We had to change churches, so I lost friends.

789
00:34:53,060 --> 00:34:54,060
I had to make new friends,

790
00:34:54,060 --> 00:34:56,140
and they didn't like me in the neighborhood and the community.

791
00:34:56,140 --> 00:34:58,740
See, every one of those is an aftershock

792
00:34:58,740 --> 00:35:00,060
in a child's heart and life.

793
00:35:00,060 --> 00:35:01,420
Oh, it's so hard.

794
00:35:01,420 --> 00:35:02,740
And then here's the other data point

795
00:35:02,740 --> 00:35:05,060
that most people don't really realize.

796
00:35:05,060 --> 00:35:08,500
When a parent marries again in forms of blended family,

797
00:35:08,500 --> 00:35:12,140
that is as stressful, if not more, to children

798
00:35:12,140 --> 00:35:14,660
than is the original earthquake, divorce,

799
00:35:14,660 --> 00:35:15,900
or death of a parent.

800
00:35:15,900 --> 00:35:18,220
Most people really don't know that.

801
00:35:18,220 --> 00:35:20,020
The research is clear that for children,

802
00:35:20,020 --> 00:35:22,100
it takes them longer to adjust

803
00:35:22,100 --> 00:35:24,220
to a parent's marriage forming a blended family

804
00:35:24,220 --> 00:35:26,620
than it did for them to adjust to the original death

805
00:35:26,620 --> 00:35:30,100
or divorce that started this journey in the first place.

806
00:35:30,100 --> 00:35:33,620
It is stress upon stress upon transition,

807
00:35:33,620 --> 00:35:37,700
upon unwanted change, upon stress, upon loss,

808
00:35:37,700 --> 00:35:40,300
over and over for kids.

809
00:35:40,300 --> 00:35:43,020
And one of the biggest losses is,

810
00:35:43,020 --> 00:35:46,100
if they lose a sense of trust in their parent,

811
00:35:46,100 --> 00:35:48,060
like you left mom, why did you do that?

812
00:35:48,060 --> 00:35:51,020
Those kind of questions that are really moral questions

813
00:35:51,020 --> 00:35:53,020
where a child loses faith in their parent

814
00:35:53,020 --> 00:35:54,500
because of something they did.

815
00:35:55,380 --> 00:35:57,940
That didn't happen every time, but it happened sometimes.

816
00:35:57,940 --> 00:36:01,780
Yes, and sometimes then they think it's their fault.

817
00:36:01,780 --> 00:36:03,500
Yes, that's the shame part.

818
00:36:03,500 --> 00:36:04,900
They turn it back on themselves.

819
00:36:04,900 --> 00:36:06,820
Well, dad left, I'm not a good kid.

820
00:36:06,820 --> 00:36:10,700
And so what do kids do with all of that pain and stress?

821
00:36:10,700 --> 00:36:13,260
Well, it's gotta go somewhere and candidly,

822
00:36:13,260 --> 00:36:17,660
sometimes it goes into blame, shame, control or escape.

823
00:36:17,660 --> 00:36:20,780
And so if they escape into drugs in the wrong group

824
00:36:20,780 --> 00:36:24,140
at high school or they shame themselves

825
00:36:24,140 --> 00:36:26,740
to the point of going internal and point,

826
00:36:26,740 --> 00:36:28,420
dad, I guess God can't love me either.

827
00:36:28,420 --> 00:36:30,940
Next thing you know, it sort of looks like

828
00:36:30,940 --> 00:36:33,540
and it gives expression to that prodigal behavior

829
00:36:33,540 --> 00:36:35,260
where they lose faith, they lose connection

830
00:36:35,260 --> 00:36:37,060
with religious community.

831
00:36:37,060 --> 00:36:40,860
There's distance in their relationship with their parent

832
00:36:42,020 --> 00:36:45,060
and it gets hard in step families,

833
00:36:45,060 --> 00:36:49,660
leave home at earlier ages, meaning they move out,

834
00:36:49,660 --> 00:36:51,660
they go to, they run, you get out to college,

835
00:36:51,660 --> 00:36:55,460
they move in with a friend, they don't hang around as much.

836
00:36:55,460 --> 00:36:56,300
Why?

837
00:36:56,300 --> 00:36:57,340
Because there's stress in the home,

838
00:36:57,340 --> 00:37:00,660
there's things that they just are trying to get away from.

839
00:37:00,660 --> 00:37:03,780
And so all of that creates this vulnerability

840
00:37:03,780 --> 00:37:05,540
to the whole prodigal dynamic.

841
00:37:05,540 --> 00:37:09,980
Absolutely, when you throw that kind of stress

842
00:37:09,980 --> 00:37:12,700
that's relational and close,

843
00:37:12,700 --> 00:37:16,740
it's hard to not want something

844
00:37:16,740 --> 00:37:18,300
that helps you to escape it.

845
00:37:19,340 --> 00:37:23,060
And so that might be the friends you choose

846
00:37:23,060 --> 00:37:27,460
or the drugs or alcohol that you go to

847
00:37:27,460 --> 00:37:29,940
or the sex that you get more involved with.

848
00:37:29,940 --> 00:37:33,980
And it's, yeah, all of those things can happen

849
00:37:33,980 --> 00:37:38,700
with any of them, but when there's that kind of stress

850
00:37:38,700 --> 00:37:43,580
in the family and it's not what you like,

851
00:37:43,580 --> 00:37:46,060
I mean, maybe you're fortunate ones

852
00:37:46,060 --> 00:37:48,860
and everybody blends really well together,

853
00:37:48,860 --> 00:37:52,380
but I would imagine it's just a hard thing.

854
00:37:52,380 --> 00:37:55,860
And so then you're looking for a way out.

855
00:37:55,860 --> 00:37:59,900
And so let's just sort of bring this full circle

856
00:37:59,900 --> 00:38:01,100
and say the things that,

857
00:38:01,100 --> 00:38:04,620
everything we've talked about so far is still

858
00:38:04,620 --> 00:38:05,860
the appropriate response.

859
00:38:05,860 --> 00:38:08,980
If you're in that blended family situation with a prodigal,

860
00:38:08,980 --> 00:38:10,940
and by the way, there's another dynamic

861
00:38:10,940 --> 00:38:12,820
for some children in blended families.

862
00:38:12,820 --> 00:38:13,940
If they have another home,

863
00:38:13,940 --> 00:38:16,500
let's say they're a dad and stepmom and dad and stepmom

864
00:38:16,500 --> 00:38:18,140
are wonderful Christian people,

865
00:38:18,140 --> 00:38:21,340
upstanding, you know, high character folks,

866
00:38:21,340 --> 00:38:25,700
but biological mom, who has the children 50% of the time,

867
00:38:25,700 --> 00:38:28,740
is not, she's just something less than, let's just say,

868
00:38:28,740 --> 00:38:30,860
or her worldview is very different.

869
00:38:30,860 --> 00:38:34,820
And so there's this dramatic influence at mom's house.

870
00:38:34,820 --> 00:38:38,100
Well, you know, that is a massive influence

871
00:38:38,100 --> 00:38:39,620
on a child's heart and life,

872
00:38:39,620 --> 00:38:43,900
and it gives them an out away from the religious stuff

873
00:38:43,900 --> 00:38:48,220
and the expectation that comes along with religious life.

874
00:38:48,220 --> 00:38:50,220
And so again, there's another factor

875
00:38:50,220 --> 00:38:53,900
that leads to that prodigal lifestyle.

876
00:38:53,900 --> 00:38:57,780
Still direction, distance, closing the gap,

877
00:38:57,780 --> 00:39:01,500
moving toward finding ways of being calm and still

878
00:39:01,500 --> 00:39:06,020
and a trustworthy presence in that squirrel's life

879
00:39:06,020 --> 00:39:10,860
are still the right answers for parent or stepparent

880
00:39:10,860 --> 00:39:13,100
who are desperate to be an influence

881
00:39:13,100 --> 00:39:14,700
in that child's heart and life.

882
00:39:14,700 --> 00:39:16,780
I do believe, and we've seen many times,

883
00:39:16,780 --> 00:39:18,460
we've done a number of podcasts.

884
00:39:18,460 --> 00:39:21,140
My podcast is called Family Life Blended Podcast

885
00:39:21,140 --> 00:39:22,540
for anybody who wants to,

886
00:39:22,540 --> 00:39:24,940
we've talked a lot about this influence

887
00:39:24,940 --> 00:39:27,060
when children are led away by the other household,

888
00:39:27,060 --> 00:39:31,180
for example, that I've seen so many times a kid

889
00:39:31,180 --> 00:39:34,180
who will grow up and they're totally taken under

890
00:39:34,180 --> 00:39:37,060
by the morals in the other home.

891
00:39:37,060 --> 00:39:41,740
But when they finally get to some clear minded adult place

892
00:39:41,740 --> 00:39:45,580
in their life, they can look back and go, wow,

893
00:39:45,580 --> 00:39:46,860
there were no boundaries over there.

894
00:39:46,860 --> 00:39:48,220
No wonder I got away with everything.

895
00:39:48,220 --> 00:39:51,700
And no matter, I wanted to go to that house all the time.

896
00:39:51,700 --> 00:39:56,380
But I can see now how dad was trying to teach me good things

897
00:39:56,380 --> 00:40:00,180
and standing up for me and trying to pull me in a direction

898
00:40:00,180 --> 00:40:01,500
that was really good for me.

899
00:40:01,500 --> 00:40:05,540
And so some clarity really does happen for some kids.

900
00:40:05,540 --> 00:40:09,420
You just, again, have to wait until they get to that place.

901
00:40:09,420 --> 00:40:13,140
And sometimes it's soon and sometimes it's not.

902
00:40:13,140 --> 00:40:17,700
Yes, that's exactly, that is exactly, exactly right.

903
00:40:19,060 --> 00:40:20,220
Always at the end of the day,

904
00:40:20,220 --> 00:40:23,300
we as parents have to manage the pain that we feel in this

905
00:40:23,300 --> 00:40:26,260
because if we don't, it inadvertently drives us back

906
00:40:26,260 --> 00:40:29,180
to the same four things, blaming, shaming,

907
00:40:29,180 --> 00:40:31,740
controlling or escape ourselves.

908
00:40:31,740 --> 00:40:32,580
And none of that's happening.

909
00:40:32,580 --> 00:40:33,980
Say those again.

910
00:40:33,980 --> 00:40:36,540
Blame, that's directed at somebody else.

911
00:40:36,540 --> 00:40:39,420
So in this case, it might be at the child, right?

912
00:40:39,420 --> 00:40:41,500
You're wrong, you're bad, you're horrible, whatever.

913
00:40:41,500 --> 00:40:44,260
Anger is another expression of that.

914
00:40:44,260 --> 00:40:47,300
It's just anything you do that tries to cast that blame

915
00:40:47,300 --> 00:40:49,420
on the other person, hoping that that will

916
00:40:49,420 --> 00:40:52,620
right their direction.

917
00:40:52,620 --> 00:40:56,300
Shame is where you make them feel bad about who they are.

918
00:40:57,620 --> 00:41:01,340
Not good enough, not acceptable to you.

919
00:41:02,380 --> 00:41:05,380
Control is that I'm gonna make you,

920
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:07,260
you're not gonna act that way.

921
00:41:07,260 --> 00:41:09,780
That's sort of parental response.

922
00:41:09,780 --> 00:41:11,980
And then the last one is if we escape.

923
00:41:11,980 --> 00:41:15,020
Now, sometimes we're escaping into our own stuff

924
00:41:15,020 --> 00:41:17,420
to try to deal with this pain over this child.

925
00:41:17,420 --> 00:41:19,660
And we start drinking and we start doing whatever.

926
00:41:19,660 --> 00:41:22,740
And none of that's gonna be helpful or a good example

927
00:41:22,740 --> 00:41:23,940
for the child either.

928
00:41:24,780 --> 00:41:27,740
The end of the day, I've gotta manage all of that in me

929
00:41:28,660 --> 00:41:32,980
so that I can be the safest, most loving person

930
00:41:32,980 --> 00:41:35,860
for my child who sits in the park and waits.

931
00:41:35,860 --> 00:41:39,140
And how do you manage all of that in you?

932
00:41:40,100 --> 00:41:42,100
Well, some people need a counselor.

933
00:41:42,100 --> 00:41:44,620
Like I'm serious, some people need a support group.

934
00:41:44,620 --> 00:41:45,860
But you can't begin to manage it

935
00:41:45,860 --> 00:41:47,100
if you don't even notice it.

936
00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:48,660
Like if you're just unwilling to,

937
00:41:48,660 --> 00:41:50,620
this is all about my child and their decisions

938
00:41:50,620 --> 00:41:51,460
and their choices.

939
00:41:51,460 --> 00:41:53,900
Well, yeah, that's definitely a part of it.

940
00:41:53,900 --> 00:41:56,980
But what's on you is who you have been

941
00:41:56,980 --> 00:42:00,180
and how you're gonna be continuing going forward.

942
00:42:00,180 --> 00:42:02,260
And if you really recognize now,

943
00:42:02,260 --> 00:42:03,740
I've been chasing that squirrel

944
00:42:03,740 --> 00:42:06,900
and calling it names and throwing rocks since it was six.

945
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:08,340
Yeah, it's time to stop

946
00:42:08,340 --> 00:42:11,140
because that squirrel will never come back

947
00:42:11,140 --> 00:42:13,300
at somebody who keeps throwing rocks.

948
00:42:13,300 --> 00:42:17,340
It is not your job to make them at age 25

949
00:42:17,340 --> 00:42:20,820
or whatever, turn around and come back.

950
00:42:20,820 --> 00:42:24,140
The more rocks you throw, the less influence you have.

951
00:42:24,140 --> 00:42:27,580
Well, that's all insightful and helpful

952
00:42:27,580 --> 00:42:32,580
to understand and not easy for people to do that.

953
00:42:33,340 --> 00:42:38,340
There's, well, there's so much fear in a parent

954
00:42:40,020 --> 00:42:42,900
that they'll never get them back.

955
00:42:42,900 --> 00:42:47,900
And so then you hold on and maybe do things

956
00:42:47,900 --> 00:42:51,660
that are really enabling of some bad choices

957
00:42:51,660 --> 00:42:56,660
as opposed to trying to walk well with them

958
00:42:56,860 --> 00:43:01,860
and not give them the distance and keep loving it,

959
00:43:02,380 --> 00:43:04,540
but not trying to control

960
00:43:04,540 --> 00:43:09,020
and not trying to make them do what you want.

961
00:43:09,020 --> 00:43:11,340
It's not an easy road.

962
00:43:11,340 --> 00:43:13,860
And that, as you said, might be a counselor.

963
00:43:13,860 --> 00:43:17,260
It may be a spouse that's a little more grounded

964
00:43:17,260 --> 00:43:19,900
and able to do that and can help you.

965
00:43:19,900 --> 00:43:21,860
It might be your best friend

966
00:43:21,860 --> 00:43:25,620
who has either experienced something

967
00:43:25,620 --> 00:43:27,560
that gives them wisdom there.

968
00:43:29,060 --> 00:43:34,060
And so just ask God to provide that help that you need

969
00:43:35,460 --> 00:43:38,060
so that you don't chase them away.

970
00:43:38,060 --> 00:43:41,940
I just, that always concerns me when I hear the attitudes

971
00:43:41,940 --> 00:43:45,940
and responses and I think you're chasing them away.

972
00:43:45,940 --> 00:43:50,460
You don't have to say, I'm fine with what you're doing.

973
00:43:50,460 --> 00:43:54,740
You just need to be there and seek

974
00:43:54,740 --> 00:43:59,060
to continue the relationship and not chase them away.

975
00:43:59,060 --> 00:44:02,140
But they know most of the time,

976
00:44:02,140 --> 00:44:04,180
they know exactly what you're thinking.

977
00:44:04,180 --> 00:44:06,180
They know you don't approve of this

978
00:44:06,180 --> 00:44:08,500
and that you don't like this.

979
00:44:08,500 --> 00:44:09,820
You don't need to tell them that.

980
00:44:09,820 --> 00:44:11,660
You don't ever have to say it again.

981
00:44:11,660 --> 00:44:14,460
Even if you never said it again,

982
00:44:14,460 --> 00:44:16,300
they still know how you feel about it.

983
00:44:16,300 --> 00:44:18,300
But what they're seeing when you continue

984
00:44:18,300 --> 00:44:20,940
to show your presence is, all right,

985
00:44:20,940 --> 00:44:25,220
they'll receive me and they'll continue to be around me.

986
00:44:25,220 --> 00:44:28,140
They're not gonna embrace this choice that I make

987
00:44:28,140 --> 00:44:30,140
or this lifestyle or whatever it is,

988
00:44:30,140 --> 00:44:32,940
but they love me enough to continue to be around.

989
00:44:32,940 --> 00:44:34,220
You know, you couldn't make the argument.

990
00:44:34,220 --> 00:44:37,660
I know we shouldn't push parables too far.

991
00:44:37,660 --> 00:44:40,180
We shouldn't make every little element of the parable

992
00:44:40,180 --> 00:44:41,380
equal something in life.

993
00:44:41,380 --> 00:44:43,540
That's not the point of parables.

994
00:44:44,420 --> 00:44:46,100
But I do think it's a fair thing

995
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:47,700
to at least ask the question,

996
00:44:47,700 --> 00:44:50,300
what's the best thing the father did

997
00:44:50,300 --> 00:44:51,980
in the story of the prodigal son?

998
00:44:52,860 --> 00:44:57,580
In the whole story, what's the greatest thing he did

999
00:44:57,580 --> 00:44:58,420
in the story?

1000
00:44:58,420 --> 00:45:01,780
And I have to think that it's the standing on the edge

1001
00:45:01,780 --> 00:45:06,260
of the property waiting. He made himself as close

1002
00:45:06,260 --> 00:45:08,700
in proximity to the child as he could.

1003
00:45:08,700 --> 00:45:09,860
It was up to him.

1004
00:45:09,860 --> 00:45:11,820
You know, he was watching.

1005
00:45:11,820 --> 00:45:15,340
His face was looking in the right direction.

1006
00:45:15,340 --> 00:45:17,820
He was available when that moment came

1007
00:45:17,820 --> 00:45:21,580
that the son turned and faced him, even at a great distance.

1008
00:45:21,580 --> 00:45:22,820
Now we got a distance problem,

1009
00:45:22,820 --> 00:45:24,940
but the son began to close the gap.

1010
00:45:24,940 --> 00:45:28,180
And then once the son was close,

1011
00:45:28,180 --> 00:45:30,860
the running toward the movement, listen to that,

1012
00:45:30,860 --> 00:45:32,980
it's the movement toward,

1013
00:45:32,980 --> 00:45:36,540
this is the story of our God for us.

1014
00:45:36,540 --> 00:45:39,500
And ultimately, waiting and movement toward

1015
00:45:39,500 --> 00:45:41,660
is the delicate balance

1016
00:45:41,660 --> 00:45:44,380
that I think we have to walk with the prodigals that we love.

1017
00:45:44,380 --> 00:45:46,020
It is a beautiful story.

1018
00:45:46,020 --> 00:45:51,020
It is God's position as way he is waiting for us.

1019
00:45:52,780 --> 00:45:57,340
And he chases in ways that aren't gonna chase you away

1020
00:45:57,340 --> 00:46:00,220
because he sends love to you in lots of ways.

1021
00:46:00,220 --> 00:46:03,980
But for most of us as parents,

1022
00:46:03,980 --> 00:46:08,980
we're the waiting and being available is a huge part of it

1023
00:46:09,940 --> 00:46:14,460
and not accusing them, not pushing them away,

1024
00:46:14,460 --> 00:46:17,180
not sending them off to their room by themselves,

1025
00:46:17,180 --> 00:46:20,460
kind of things, but saying, I love you.

1026
00:46:20,460 --> 00:46:24,960
And they know that you don't agree with what they're doing.

1027
00:46:24,960 --> 00:46:29,960
And so Ron, any last words you wanna share?

1028
00:46:31,300 --> 00:46:32,140
Wow.

1029
00:46:33,940 --> 00:46:35,180
Continue to pray.

1030
00:46:36,500 --> 00:46:38,580
That's what I find myself doing a lot

1031
00:46:38,580 --> 00:46:41,860
around the personal matters in my life.

1032
00:46:41,860 --> 00:46:44,460
I pray for discernment.

1033
00:46:44,460 --> 00:46:45,500
Lord, do I say something?

1034
00:46:45,500 --> 00:46:46,340
Do I not?

1035
00:46:46,340 --> 00:46:47,180
Is this the moment?

1036
00:46:47,180 --> 00:46:48,140
Is it not?

1037
00:46:48,140 --> 00:46:50,620
Is this the moment I just enjoy them

1038
00:46:50,620 --> 00:46:54,100
and find again my delight for this person?

1039
00:46:54,100 --> 00:46:55,980
You know, I think that's something

1040
00:46:55,980 --> 00:46:58,460
that gets lost sometimes.

1041
00:46:58,460 --> 00:47:01,020
When we look at our child or this child

1042
00:47:01,020 --> 00:47:04,300
that you're caring for and all you see is prodigal,

1043
00:47:04,300 --> 00:47:07,000
well, you can't really smile at them anymore.

1044
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:09,380
You can't really delight in them anymore.

1045
00:47:09,380 --> 00:47:12,820
Like it's just a big no,

1046
00:47:12,820 --> 00:47:15,780
but you gotta find your yes for this person

1047
00:47:15,780 --> 00:47:18,380
and delight in the who they are,

1048
00:47:18,380 --> 00:47:21,580
the nature of who they are, the great things about them.

1049
00:47:21,580 --> 00:47:24,420
Because if you don't let yourself do that,

1050
00:47:24,420 --> 00:47:27,260
you probably will just keep retreating

1051
00:47:27,260 --> 00:47:29,900
and you're adding distance,

1052
00:47:29,900 --> 00:47:31,420
which means you're losing influence.

1053
00:47:31,420 --> 00:47:33,820
So you've gotta find your delight

1054
00:47:33,820 --> 00:47:36,740
even as you have some boundaries

1055
00:47:36,740 --> 00:47:40,020
around what you can celebrate in them and what you can't.

1056
00:47:40,020 --> 00:47:42,980
And so pray for that delight to come back.

1057
00:47:42,980 --> 00:47:46,940
And one last thought on tying that in again

1058
00:47:46,940 --> 00:47:49,260
to a blended family.

1059
00:47:49,260 --> 00:47:50,500
When there's a prodigal,

1060
00:47:50,500 --> 00:47:53,580
the biological parents should be the one in the park.

1061
00:47:54,580 --> 00:47:56,980
More often than not, there's exceptions to every rule,

1062
00:47:56,980 --> 00:47:59,060
but more often than not, it's the biological parent

1063
00:47:59,060 --> 00:48:02,320
that the squirrel is even remotely invested in.

1064
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:04,980
Sometimes a step parent is the one who's doing all the work

1065
00:48:04,980 --> 00:48:07,260
and trying to, yeah, no,

1066
00:48:07,260 --> 00:48:09,060
I appreciate your heart for that child

1067
00:48:09,060 --> 00:48:10,360
and you're wanting to help.

1068
00:48:11,540 --> 00:48:16,180
But this child, no matter what their age,

1069
00:48:16,180 --> 00:48:20,020
their first investment is always in their biological parents.

1070
00:48:20,020 --> 00:48:22,660
And you as a step parent need in these hard,

1071
00:48:22,660 --> 00:48:25,660
stressful moments to just take a step back

1072
00:48:25,660 --> 00:48:28,460
and let that, if there's gonna be a reconciliation,

1073
00:48:28,460 --> 00:48:30,420
it needs to happen first between the child

1074
00:48:30,420 --> 00:48:31,800
and the biological parent,

1075
00:48:31,800 --> 00:48:33,500
you as a step parent will come later.

1076
00:48:33,500 --> 00:48:35,780
You as if they're step siblings,

1077
00:48:35,780 --> 00:48:38,220
all those other people will come second.

1078
00:48:38,220 --> 00:48:40,560
Let's let the first thing happen

1079
00:48:40,560 --> 00:48:41,900
because that's what the squirrel

1080
00:48:41,900 --> 00:48:44,860
really desperately wants the most.

1081
00:48:44,860 --> 00:48:46,160
And they really do.

1082
00:48:46,160 --> 00:48:51,160
My son, the Lord was kind to let me fall in love with him

1083
00:48:52,160 --> 00:48:54,400
as my son took a while

1084
00:48:54,400 --> 00:48:56,440
because he was never easy at first.

1085
00:48:56,440 --> 00:49:01,020
But, and then I wanted him to love me.

1086
00:49:02,280 --> 00:49:07,280
And what it came down to, if he loved me,

1087
00:49:07,840 --> 00:49:10,800
that would be betraying his birth mom

1088
00:49:10,800 --> 00:49:15,360
who had not cared well for him, but who he still loved.

1089
00:49:15,360 --> 00:49:16,200
And it's-

1090
00:49:16,200 --> 00:49:17,040
That's right.

1091
00:49:17,040 --> 00:49:18,480
It's an identity issue for kids.

1092
00:49:18,480 --> 00:49:20,160
That's true for stepchildren as well.

1093
00:49:20,160 --> 00:49:22,920
Their first loyalty is gonna be to their biological parents.

1094
00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:25,960
And I saw that and it enabled me

1095
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:29,120
once the Lord really opened my eyes

1096
00:49:29,120 --> 00:49:32,760
and saw that to just keep loving

1097
00:49:32,760 --> 00:49:35,220
but not require love and return.

1098
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:37,680
And-

1099
00:49:37,680 --> 00:49:38,520
Thank you.

1100
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:39,360
That's so hard.

1101
00:49:39,360 --> 00:49:42,880
And now he tells me he loves me all the time

1102
00:49:42,880 --> 00:49:44,880
and because he grew to it.

1103
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:46,960
And I didn't force it on him.

1104
00:49:46,960 --> 00:49:51,960
And that's, yeah, the forcing,

1105
00:49:52,720 --> 00:49:54,520
chasing to such a degree

1106
00:49:55,680 --> 00:49:59,520
is a hard thing for the parent to not do.

1107
00:49:59,520 --> 00:50:03,320
And so your words are full of wisdom to help them see

1108
00:50:04,920 --> 00:50:07,560
that that's not the way,

1109
00:50:07,560 --> 00:50:10,360
that's not the right way to influence,

1110
00:50:10,360 --> 00:50:14,200
the right distance, the way, facing the right way.

1111
00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:16,200
So thank you for that.

1112
00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:19,240
I'm so grateful.

1113
00:50:19,240 --> 00:50:21,720
And again, let me pray.

1114
00:50:23,160 --> 00:50:24,560
Father, thank you.

1115
00:50:24,560 --> 00:50:27,240
Thank you for this wisdom,

1116
00:50:27,240 --> 00:50:31,000
from a very practical illustration

1117
00:50:31,840 --> 00:50:35,800
and from a in different kinds of situations.

1118
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:40,000
And I pray for all of those who listen to this now

1119
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:44,000
and over time as it continues to be available

1120
00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:47,200
and that Ron's good equipping

1121
00:50:47,200 --> 00:50:49,560
will be truly helpful to people.

1122
00:50:49,560 --> 00:50:51,560
So thank you, Father.

1123
00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:55,640
In Jesus' name, one last thing that I wanna add here

1124
00:50:55,640 --> 00:51:00,640
is we're gonna make available two of Ron's books.

1125
00:51:01,480 --> 00:51:05,080
And if you'd like to be in a drawing to win those,

1126
00:51:05,080 --> 00:51:09,760
one of them, but we're gonna do two of each of two books,

1127
00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:12,560
better listed in the show notes,

1128
00:51:12,560 --> 00:51:16,960
as well as he's getting so kind as to give us

1129
00:51:16,960 --> 00:51:20,640
a link to all of his resources in a sense

1130
00:51:20,640 --> 00:51:23,160
with the eight sessions, is that it?

1131
00:51:23,160 --> 00:51:24,000
Eight sessions?

1132
00:51:24,000 --> 00:51:25,920
Yeah, it's an eight session video series.

1133
00:51:25,920 --> 00:51:29,720
We are eager for you to take advantage of that,

1134
00:51:29,720 --> 00:51:32,640
that you can really learn and apply

1135
00:51:32,640 --> 00:51:35,840
and see a change in the relationships

1136
00:51:35,840 --> 00:51:39,800
that are at risk or intention.

1137
00:51:39,800 --> 00:51:44,200
So be sure you go to the show notes and find out,

1138
00:51:44,200 --> 00:51:47,560
check the way to put your name in the drawing.

1139
00:51:47,560 --> 00:51:49,120
Thank you, thanks so much.

1140
00:51:49,120 --> 00:52:11,120
Thank you, Ron.