How to Really Love Your Prodigal, episode 93 (rebroadcast)

1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:12,000
If you love a prodigal, you can discover, help, and hope for your wilderness journey right here at When You Love a Prodigal podcast.

2
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:17,000
And also help and hope for your own life journey.

3
00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:23,000
As many of you know, my wonderful husband Steve moved to heaven four months ago.

4
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:31,000
I am missing him terribly, but God and friends are helping me in so many ways.

5
00:00:31,000 --> 00:00:38,000
One of the best things about our 47 years of marriage was that I knew he loved me.

6
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:42,000
He told me so at least once a day.

7
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:45,000
He gave me lots of hugs.

8
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:50,000
Every morning he made coffee and brought a cup to me and kept it filled.

9
00:00:50,000 --> 00:00:59,000
He put out the trash, rinsed the dishes, helped with the laundry, and he took care of the finances.

10
00:00:59,000 --> 00:01:07,000
And we talked through so much. How we were doing, what we were doing, how we could pray for each other.

11
00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:11,000
And he and I both worked at loving our prodigal well.

12
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:19,000
Though that wasn't always easy or well received, throughout the hardest 15 years of our prodigal wilderness

13
00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:23,000
we never lost relationship with Josh.

14
00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:31,000
We certainly weren't perfect at loving him, and he often made it hard and resisted our efforts.

15
00:01:31,000 --> 00:01:36,000
But through it all, he began to believe that we loved him.

16
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:44,000
What I want to share with you today are some practical ways for you to really love your prodigal.

17
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:50,000
Your situation may be very different from ours and the illustrations I use,

18
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:57,000
but the suggestions I will give you can be helpful whatever your reality or who your prodigal is.

19
00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:04,000
So what we're going to look at is how to really, R-E-A-L-L-Y, love your prodigal.

20
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:09,000
And that's going to be an acrostic for the points I'm going to make.

21
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:18,000
And so I do hope you'll take a minute to write them down or text them to yourself so that you don't forget.

22
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:25,000
So really, R, the first letter, and the first word is respect.

23
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:30,000
Think about how you feel if someone disrespects you.

24
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:38,000
Some of the things our prodigals say and do can cause disrespect for them to well up in us.

25
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,000
I know, I've done it.

26
00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:48,000
But if we can make the effort to show respect to them anyway as a person,

27
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:54,000
after all, they are carrying the image of God even if they aren't showing it.

28
00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:59,000
Here are three ways that you might respect them.

29
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:04,000
Talk to them as you would to a friend or a co-worker.

30
00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:12,000
Yes, occasionally we're disrespectful to a person, but mostly we know how to be respectful.

31
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,000
We should try it with our loved ones.

32
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:16,000
They're a real person.

33
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:22,000
They may be our child or some other connection that we have with them,

34
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:28,000
but we should be able to show respect by the way we talk to them.

35
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:33,000
Ask them for their opinion or for input on a decision or a plan.

36
00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:36,000
Does it feel good to you when someone says,

37
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:39,000
hey, can I get your thoughts on this?

38
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:47,000
And so it will for your prodigal if you make the effort to ask for input from them.

39
00:03:47,000 --> 00:03:53,000
And then thank them when they do what you have asked them to do.

40
00:03:53,000 --> 00:04:00,000
I try to thank everyone who helps or serves me in some way, as I did today at the grocery store.

41
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:07,000
So I also sought to always thank our son when he did what he should.

42
00:04:07,000 --> 00:04:14,000
And that tells him that I respected him as a person.

43
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:22,000
So respect, the next letter in really is E and our word is encourage.

44
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:28,000
I believe my primary gift from God is to encourage people.

45
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:34,000
And almost everyone can use encouragement and some desperately need it.

46
00:04:34,000 --> 00:04:39,000
A few words, doing a favor, even just a smile.

47
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:46,000
And often our loved prodigals really need some encouragement.

48
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,000
So how can you encourage them?

49
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,000
Well, how about giving a sincere compliment?

50
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:57,000
A lot of times we have a lot of negative things to say,

51
00:04:57,000 --> 00:05:01,000
we're not happy with what they're doing so we can be critical.

52
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:07,000
But if we can look for something that we can compliment and do it sincerely

53
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:11,000
about little things or big things, like what are they wearing?

54
00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:15,000
How have they rearranged their room?

55
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:19,000
They were being kind to a sibling.

56
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:23,000
Give them a nice gift or they gave a nice gift.

57
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:30,000
And then second, under encourage, recognize good work.

58
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:35,000
Now I realize this can be challenging because they may not be doing much work.

59
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:39,000
So you may have to start with lower expectations,

60
00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:44,000
whether it's school work, getting and keeping a job,

61
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:47,000
following through on responsibilities at home,

62
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:52,000
acknowledge when they do a good job or when they make the effort to do a good job.

63
00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:58,000
Again, we're looking to encourage them and that will help.

64
00:05:58,000 --> 00:06:01,000
Now here's one you might not think of.

65
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:05,000
You can encourage them by telling them they look nice.

66
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:09,000
This morning I was in a meeting with some people that I knew well

67
00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:12,000
but hadn't seen in several years.

68
00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:16,000
I walked in the door and the first person I encountered said,

69
00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:19,000
Judy, you look so nice.

70
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:20,000
Did that lift my spirits?

71
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:22,000
It did.

72
00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:26,000
So I went into the rest of the meeting thinking, I look pretty good today.

73
00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:30,000
Well, maybe, maybe that would help your protocol.

74
00:06:30,000 --> 00:06:33,000
If they thought you thought they looked nice,

75
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:40,000
now I realize what you think is nice and what they think is nice might not coincide.

76
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:43,000
But look for ways that you can tell them,

77
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:47,000
I like your clothes, I like what you're wearing,

78
00:06:47,000 --> 00:06:50,000
I like your hair maybe.

79
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:56,000
Look for ways to compliment them and encourage them.

80
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:59,000
So respect, encourage.

81
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:03,000
The next letter is A, affirm.

82
00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:07,000
Some of these may overlap a little but there are differences.

83
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:12,000
Be assured affirmation is helpful for all of us.

84
00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:19,000
When someone affirms you in any way, it makes you feel better

85
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:23,000
and it makes you feel they like you

86
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:28,000
and you're wanting to show your protocol that you love them.

87
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,000
So how?

88
00:07:29,000 --> 00:07:34,000
Well, first, acknowledge good effort or good attitude.

89
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:39,000
If they are in the habit of not putting forth good effort or good attitude,

90
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,000
they are probably used to some negative feedback.

91
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:46,000
Surprise them with some positive affirmation.

92
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:50,000
Be specific but honest.

93
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:55,000
Then ask how they did a project that was well done.

94
00:07:55,000 --> 00:08:01,000
Occasionally, our Josh got excited about some project he was working on.

95
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,000
We would affirm that but also show more interest and ask,

96
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,000
how did you come up with that idea or how does that work?

97
00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,000
How did you know how to do that?

98
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:18,000
Again, this is affirming him as a person who has good things to do

99
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:23,000
and think and be able to be affirmed in.

100
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:29,000
Another way to affirm is to support positive interests and activities.

101
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:36,000
For quite a few years, our son's friends were mostly not good influences.

102
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:45,000
But Josh liked a variety of activities, paintball, guitar, soccer, bowling, roller hockey.

103
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:51,000
We tried to be supportive of whatever was his current interest.

104
00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:58,000
That involved time and money but it did help him keep out of trouble some

105
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:01,000
and expanded his circle of friends some.

106
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:04,000
So we were glad to do that.

107
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:12,000
It did get kind of expensive but, you know, it was a lot less expensive than bail at jail.

108
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:17,000
So we have respect, encourage, affirm.

109
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:19,000
Here's a really important one.

110
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:22,000
Listen.

111
00:09:22,000 --> 00:09:26,000
Don't you hate it when you're talking with someone and they're looking at their phone

112
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:31,000
or glancing around looking for someone else?

113
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:41,000
Many kids and young adults complain that their parents or teachers or coaches or bosses don't listen to them.

114
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:47,000
One of the most important things that we can do to show love is to listen to them.

115
00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,000
How do we do that?

116
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:59,000
Well, we can ask questions, ask about school or activities, interests, and listen to what they say.

117
00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,000
Don't just think, all right, I did my job, I asked and I listened.

118
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,000
Now, no, stay.

119
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:09,000
Try to engage them more in conversation.

120
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:13,000
Josh really liked to tell me about paintball battles.

121
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:18,000
He liked to show me where he got bruises from getting hit by a paintball.

122
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:23,000
But that was a way I could get him to talk and I could listen.

123
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:29,000
He also loved to tell me how he was the enforcer on his soccer team.

124
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:34,000
He was bigger than most of the kids and, yeah, so he was a good enforcer.

125
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,000
He bragged about it, but I listened.

126
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:48,000
Another thing that you can do to show your love in listening is to ask for input on family decisions.

127
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:54,000
Include the whole family in a conversation about something you all will do together,

128
00:10:54,000 --> 00:11:02,000
like a vacation or getting a dog or buying a hot tub or going to visit grandparents.

129
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:08,000
Always a good idea, said the grandmother. Ask for their thoughts about it.

130
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:10,000
Get their input.

131
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:20,000
Try to come together for a decision so that it's not even just their input and then you make a decision, but that you agree.

132
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:23,000
Listen to their thoughts and ideas.

133
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:26,000
And here's a little bit more challenging one.

134
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:32,000
Ask for input on setting boundaries and consequences.

135
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,000
When you love a prodigal, you will need boundaries.

136
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:37,000
You know that.

137
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:43,000
And boundaries need consequences because boundaries get violated.

138
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:47,000
So as you're talking about setting some boundaries,

139
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:54,000
include them in the conversation about your standards and expectations and unacceptable actions

140
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:57,000
and what are their responses to those?

141
00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:59,000
What do they think?

142
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,000
Do they understand why you think what you do?

143
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:07,000
And if you can approach some kind of an agreement, then you could ask,

144
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:13,000
well, what would be appropriate consequences if you don't live by these boundaries?

145
00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:19,000
You have to be able to live with the decisions, but listen well to them

146
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:25,000
and do your best to include something of what they have suggested.

147
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:32,000
So real respect, encourage, affirm, listen, but we're looking at really.

148
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,000
So what's the next L?

149
00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:39,000
Probably the most important of all, love.

150
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,000
It's the biggest thing.

151
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:51,000
If they believe you love them, maintaining relationship becomes more possible, even probable.

152
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:58,000
So be sure that you tell them you love it, even if they shrug it off or don't pay attention.

153
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:05,000
It's going into their head and registering, but it's good to show it and not just say it.

154
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,000
So what makes you feel loved?

155
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:14,000
Hearing the words, I love you, but actions and words that follow that statement,

156
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:20,000
something that proves it to you, maybe all the things we just looked at,

157
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:25,000
respect and encourage and affirm and listen.

158
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,000
Here's an idea.

159
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:31,000
Discern their love language and make the effort to engage it.

160
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:35,000
Perhaps you're familiar with the five love languages.

161
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:41,000
I'm not personally fond of limiting kinds of descriptions, but they can be helpful.

162
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:49,000
Of the five, my strongest ones, what really gets to me and makes me feel good is words of affirmation.

163
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,000
Another one is quality time.

164
00:13:52,000 --> 00:14:00,000
I'm going to put a link in the show notes to where you can find the love languages to help you think about

165
00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:03,000
what might be true of your loved one.

166
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:08,000
If you can discern what your loved one's most likely love language is,

167
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:12,000
try to employ it in your efforts to love well.

168
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,000
Maybe you invite them to go on a trip or an outing with you,

169
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:23,000
or you consistently cheer for them if they're involved in sports or some other kind of activity,

170
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:29,000
or maybe there's a gift they really have been wanting and you can give that to them.

171
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:36,000
Really look for the things that say, I love you, to them and see if you can add to that.

172
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:44,000
And then, wow, this one's really important on loving, and that's to pray for them.

173
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:47,000
You must do this.

174
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:58,000
Invite God into all your efforts to really love them, to respect them, to encourage, affirm, listen, and love.

175
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:05,000
God will take and multiply the impact of your efforts.

176
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,000
Don't go it alone.

177
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:11,000
You have supernatural help and support.

178
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:21,000
And I'm going to include a link also in the show notes to some prayer help to help you as you pray.

179
00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:30,000
So, respect, encourage, affirm, listen, love, and then there's a why at the end.

180
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:36,000
So finding the right why word was a little challenging, but then I found it.

181
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,000
And that word is yield.

182
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,000
Yield.

183
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,000
It's what God told me.

184
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,000
How do you do that?

185
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:52,000
Well, several things. Agree to their point of view sometime.

186
00:15:52,000 --> 00:15:58,000
When you can, there are some things that would be their opinion that you couldn't agree with,

187
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:06,000
but you could help make it possible to agree with some things even if they wouldn't have been your first choice.

188
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:12,000
But sometimes you need to win, but sometimes you don't have to win.

189
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:19,000
Let them win occasionally. Yield to their thoughts when you can.

190
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:24,000
Give them a chance to prove they are trying to do better.

191
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:33,000
If they are slipping in following through on assignments or requirements, just encourage and affirm them.

192
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,000
Listen to their desire to do better.

193
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,000
Express your support.

194
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:43,000
Help them with some good steps toward doing better.

195
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:48,000
Just make it a very casual, have you thought of this?

196
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:55,000
You know, once I had a situation like that and this was helpful to me, share your own story.

197
00:16:55,000 --> 00:17:00,000
Oh my goodness, they like to hear your story, believe it or not.

198
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:03,000
And then yield.

199
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:09,000
And here is the other important yielding that you will do, and that's to surrender to God.

200
00:17:09,000 --> 00:17:16,000
In a recent episode, I shared this personal reality from the time I was a child. I wanted my own way.

201
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:25,000
When I came to Jesus, I received him as Savior, but also committed to choose his way, not mine.

202
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:31,000
It was a harder commitment than I realized and involved many failures.

203
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:36,000
Fortunately, much mercy and a lot of do-overs.

204
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:47,000
But God stuck with me on our long prodigal journey, gently reminding me to surrender, to yield to God himself time after time.

205
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:53,000
So how can you really love your prodigal?

206
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:55,000
How can you show respect?

207
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,000
How can you encourage?

208
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,000
How can you affirm?

209
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,000
Will you listen?

210
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:04,000
Will you really love them?

211
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:10,000
And will you yield sometimes to them and always to the Lord?

212
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,000
So where will you start?

213
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:17,000
Which of these fits your situation with your loved one right now?

214
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:22,000
Write it down or somehow grab hold of it so you don't forget.

215
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:30,000
And even today, start to apply what you can do to really love your prodigal.

216
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:34,000
And again, I will put some resources in the show notes for you.

217
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:40,000
And while you're there, you could, you know, subscribe to the podcast and review the podcast.

218
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,000
I would be very grateful.

219
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:49,000
I would love to hear how you take steps to really love your wanderer.

220
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:52,000
God bless you.