Nancy Squires: Just Be Held Retreats, episode 151

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If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey right here

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at When You Love a Prodigal and also help and hope for your own life journey. And like I always do,

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I encourage you to notice things that you want to apply, things that really will help you in your

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journey, and to take a minute to write them down. I mean, some of you will remember, but most of us,

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if we don't write it down, we forget. So I just want you to come away with really practical help.

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Now today, I am chatting with Nancy Squires, and she's a new friend. We had a wonderful conversation

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recently, and we're looking forward to this one today as well. And she has a ministry called

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the Just Be Held Retreats, and we're going to get to learn what those are, how they came about,

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and how you might engage. So thank you, Lord, for that. I just pray that you would guide our

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conversation today. Welcome, Nancy. Thank you, Judy. I am so honored that you would have me on

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and find out about Just Be Held, and hopefully this will be encouraging to your audience and

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gives a little bit of hope to those some ladies who struggle. I think it will definitely. So

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let's dive right in. I loved learning about your ministry, and I think these friends will as well.

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Just Be Held retreats. Where did that name come from? The song or something else?

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So the song was my inspiration for the name. So there were some many dark days for me living in

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living in the chaos and pain of some of my prodigal kids, and that is plural. And the song

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Just Be Held was on repeat for me. And it literally, you know, in the song, it says,

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freedom and surrender, lay it down and let it go. And then later in the song, you're not alone,

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stop holding on and just be held. And I finally had to take those words to heart. And I, that was

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my repeat. And it just got me through some dark times. So once, and I'll go in a little bit more

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in a moment, but once I got maybe on the other side a little bit, or through some of the darkest

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woods, that just just Be Held. Like God just told me I was being held by Him. So that is

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where the name came from. That is where it came from. Well, go ahead and give us a little

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insight into the story that led to it. Yeah. So, you know, my story, it's, I was what I would call

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a normal family, I guess. Things were sort of trucking through. I had a husband that traveled

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all the time. We had four kids. And it was about 15 years ago, I got a phone call. And one of my

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children was cutting. And the person on the other side of the end of the line said, did you know?

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And I said, no, I did not. And I spiraled. And I was thrown into a world I didn't want to be part of.

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Yeah. Yeah. And thrown into this, what do I do now? Where do I get help? I don't even know how

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to respond to this child. So it just, I ended up, I smiled on the outside, but I was crying and

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screaming on the inside. And God, why are you doing this? With the cutting came mental illness.

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And a lot of other just behaviors that I had to grieve. That's not how my child was or should be

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or life. How did this happen? Right. Like, what is going on? So anyway, I was in a sort of a dark,

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you know, that's when I started, I think, just be held, you know, all songs, I have to get into songs,

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sort of carried me through. And so this child, we continued, we tried to get help, all of that.

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And then a couple of years later, I had another child, another phone call that ended up this child

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with suicidal. Oh, dear. And the reason this child was suicidal is that they came out, they were

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part of the LGBTQ community. And they were afraid of me. They were afraid not only what society was

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going to do, but they were afraid of me and my reaction, which broke my heart. I was going to

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say, and that was hurtful to you, I'm sure. Yeah, it was, but it made me go, wait a minute. Like,

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they're afraid of me, but I love them unconditionally. Like, I don't, don't be afraid of me. Like,

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I'm just me home base. So that's the moment I decided I didn't have to be right or wrong.

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I just had to love them. I had to love my kids. That's about the best decision you could make.

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Yeah. And God just told me, Hey, you know, you aren't compromising your beliefs. You're doing

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exactly what I'm asking you to do, which is love your kids unconditionally. Okay, I want you to say

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that again, because I think that's one of the most important things that people whose kids are making

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decisions we don't like or agree with that we understand. We, we don't have to approve of

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their choices, but we still love them. And that's what they need to hear. They know we don't approve.

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And so we need to focus on the ways that we can make sure they know they're loved.

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Right, right. And my, my, both my children, they raised in a Christian home and they led small

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groups. They, we read the Bible daily. They, and they told me, Mom, we don't need to hear the Bible

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verses. We don't need, we know, we know these are our choices, mom. These are our choices.

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Stop with the hounding and, and I did. I, I had to choose to let it go. Not to be right or wrong.

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I had to love unconditionally. That's what God was calling me to do is love my kids

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unconditionally. So that's what I did. And then, then were there more? There was more to my stories.

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This playoffs in pain. Did not stop. You know, the, the child with mental illness and cutting

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and all that goes with that continued. We were learning to live and adjust to having a child

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in the LGBT community and how to love well. Then, and we moved around a lot. We ended up, you know,

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I was struggling to find resources. I couldn't find resources for me in the community we were

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living in. So we actually moved hoping to find better resources, not only for my child, but for

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my husband and I. Yes. And we ended up down in Orlando and Florida and found a great resource

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that was our lifeline and sort of gave us a little bit of hope and encouragement through that.

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And then we are younger two kids. So we have four kids. The younger two kids were getting older.

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They were still in elementary school at this time. The other ones were high school and college. And so

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here we go into middle school and we had a child that decided drugs and alcohol were going to be

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his choice. The escape. Yeah. The escape from whatever was going on. And maybe, you know,

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a lot of different things, but that was his escape, his away, his rebellion.

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You know, lots of issues going that go hand in hand with that, stolen cars, you know, skipping

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school, all of that. And yeah, I know all of that. A lot of us can relate to that. So, you know,

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I'm living with the chaos and the pain now have three kids I'm trying to juggle. And there again,

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I was trying to juggle all this was a whole faith walk for me. And looking back, I can see how God

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faithfully walked with me with every little incident. And these weren't just one off incidences. I think

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we can all relate to that. You know, it's the rebellion one day and the

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I'm going, it might look a little different for day to day, but it's going, it's happening.

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Right. Right. And I was getting to the point that bone rig and my heart skipped, you know, a beat.

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So every time. So I just, it was a faith walk. And I just had to walk with that.

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My chaos, my pain was not over. Just with that, we ended up, there is a one of our children,

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we found out another child was suicidal. And so scary. It's very scary. This time I actually found

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the child. And, but all of that was geared around. We found out that they had been

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sexually abused by a distant family member. And so scary. They died. God was thankful. He had

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surrounded this child with a perfect group of adults that I trusted, but I didn't know all of

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that was going on. And they were very safely walking with that child. And let me say, I am

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saying that child a lot. I do need to clarify this. I was, I'm saying that child or this child,

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I am protecting my children. I don't blame you. They have given me permission to talk about my

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story, but the details of their stories are their details. So I try to be a little, I've

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the maybe vague side and just tell my, that's okay. But I just think that's important for me to tell,

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to say. Yes. But so this child, God was faithful, surrounded this child with a lot of support

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until that child was ready to come to my father, to his father and I. And that's okay.

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Okay. Chaos and pain continued that when the only thing I ended up, my husband had an addiction

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that I could have walked away. I feel like I had caused a walk away. We were on the verge of divorce.

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It was very hard. God also took my father from me. He died of pancreatic cancer right at the same

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time I found out about my husband. And so very, very, and then I had this rebellious teenager,

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high school person at this point. I had young adults that were struggling to even survive in life.

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And I had now this child that was suicidal and we're trying to work with them on

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the effects of the abuse, the long term effects of that. So chaos and pain, I've lived it.

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So were you at a loss for your, I mean, were you ready to throw in the towel to give up or what happened?

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So, God and I have had many, many conversations of what are you doing? Why is this, why putting my

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family through this? Why so many years? Why time after time after incident after situation,

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when is this all going to stop? How strong do you think I am? Right? I can't keep going.

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But he can't and he helped me through it. And I got to a point that I had to let go of the why.

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And I started thinking about what, what God, but God kept telling me, wait, it's not time.

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And I got to a point, God, in fact, when the child, one of my children came to me that was

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suicidal at a point, I said, okay, God, I mean, my first response was, okay, God, what are you

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going to do with this? What? Like, I stopped, I rolled and said, what you're going to do? How are you

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going to, how are you going to be glorified through this? And I can't wait to see it. Can't wait to

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see what you are going to do with the chaos and the pain, because I want to glorify you through

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it all. That's a wonderful response. Yeah, it's not easy. It's a long journey. It wasn't one day I

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was mad and the next day I was okay. And I'm still not okay. I still go, okay, God, what? Because

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my story does not have a pretty bow on it yet. I have had other suicidal attempts. I have had

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two beautiful grandchildren out of wedlock, born out of wedlock. Our lives continues to be chaotic.

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It's just the word I was thinking. And, but we're all okay. And we have relationship with one another.

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Oh, now that's a gift. So, and I know it doesn't always end that way. I am very aware of that.

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But I think the reason maybe, well, the reason is because that's how God wanted it. Let me say that.

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And God's faithful. And whatever comes, all I know is I can only do what God's told me to do.

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And that is to love my children unconditionally. My husband, my children, and I have a relationship.

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My husband and I are still married. We have a great relationship. God's wonderful to healing.

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And I know that doesn't always happen. But that's what our story is. Everybody's story is different.

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But everybody, what is common with all of our stories with our protocols, is God is faithful.

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God is faithful. Absolutely. When he's right there, he's with the broken hearted. He hears your,

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he sees every tear, every cry. He's strong enough to take your screaming and yelling at him.

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He's faithful. And how did the ministry that you also have now, how did that come about?

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So, you know, like I said earlier, I was, look, I'd gotten to the point, I was looking for the

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what God, how are you going to be glorified with all of this mess? And I ended up at a retreat.

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And I didn't know why God had me go. I had a friend that just wanted me to go with her

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for support. And I'm like, okay, I feel like I've sort of passed the woods. But okay, I'll go. God,

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what do you want from me? And he very quickly, once I got to the retreat, I woke up the night,

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the first morning, and I had some quiet time to myself. And he went, will you rest? Rest. And it

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wasn't physical rest. It was mental rest. He said, just rest. Stop thinking. Stop trying to put all

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these pieces together. Stop trying to solve problems. Stop and rest. Well, the very first

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session within the first two sentences, the speaker said rest. And I'm like, okay, you have my

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attention now. Rest. I got you. I'll rest. Well, I calmed my mind through this retreat. By the end

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of the retreat, God gave me my ministry, just be held ministries. And he told me I want you to use

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your pain, chaos and pain, your gift of hospitality and administration. And I want you to hold the

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treats for ladies. And that is what I did. I left, I went to lunch with my husband, and I said,

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I'm starting retreats. I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know what's up. I don't know.

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I'm just doing it. And so I jumped in feet first and developed this retreat for women

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who have family members with mental illness or addictions or the ladies are just

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grieving loss of life expectations. That's I yeah, I wanted them to have a reprieve. I wanted them

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to get away for 48 hours and be able to find rest, hope, encouragement and connection.

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Very small. It's only 2020 24 ladies a retreat twice a year.

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And that's, that's what I do. And what happens at these retreats?

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So it is incredible what God does. God holds these ladies. The team of that just be held

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loves these ladies helps them to feel seen, heard and loved. You don't have to, the ladies that

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come to this retreat don't have to explain anything. We all get it. That's great because they always,

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mostly it's like they just, they don't understand. And so to come to a place where

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they can be understood and the pain and the loss and the fear that, that accompany it. So that's a

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beautiful thing. Yeah. So many days I felt lonely, lost, judged. Oh yeah, judged. I was

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guilt felt false guilt. What is what I now know is false guilt. But I just, I felt alone. And my

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retreats help ladies feel not alone. They're not alone. So they come to these retreats and they just

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know and love what God does. And he has not failed. We've had six retreats already.

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Everyone, it's the same thing. Friday night, these ladies come now, they don't know anybody.

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Right. For the most part, some people come with friends. But for the most part, everybody's just

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coming and they don't know anybody. And so there you can see the ear on their face. The,

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the, they're sort of holding back. They're guarded because aren't we all, as we walk with our protocols

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guarded? Oh yes. People don't want others to know they, they fear judgment. So they do fear that

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judgment. And so they're sort of, they come on Friday, sort of what's going on by Sunday.

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They, they are laughing. They are smiling. They don't want to leave. They have made new friends.

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They have heard speakers and talk about hope and encouragement, giving them some tools

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for themselves. Like what kind of tools? So we talk about the cup, the emotional cup is a big

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one that we talk about. So, you know, what's down in your emotional cup. So through, we talk about

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that. We talk about the armor of God and how you can put on the armor of God and you can walk out

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and be a warrior. One of the retreats, it was you're coming into this, you're leading the retreat

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as a battle cry. Interesting. Like that's my battle. Like I can suit up for God. So

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there's lots of different things. My retreat or not about the solution to the circumstances at home.

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My retreat is for the ladies that come and their hearts. I want them to find rest. So

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rest that it might be physical. I had one lady that disappeared for five hours and I was like,

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where'd she go? You know, and my retreats are small. So it's not like I'm keeping up with you.

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I just noticed she was in a group. I noticed she didn't go to a small group. And I'm like,

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where is she? Well, she popped up. She showed up. She took a five hour nap. Sounds awesome.

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Right? Right. So I was like, great. So physical rest, mental rest, this time to just a lot of

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ladies, there's some swings and you can put your feet up. It's the hammock swings.

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A lot of my ladies disappear. And you know,

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often do we, when we're in this chaos and pain at home, have a chance just to let it just relax.

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Yes. Right. We do that. Hope and encouragement, focusing on look to God. You can find joy.

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Joy is there amongst the chaos and pain. You can have joy because we have God. We have Jesus.

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We have the Holy Spirit in us. So do you have activities or conversations or guided things

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that help them to come to that place? So we have, so we large groups, there's four of them

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throughout the whole weekend. And after every large group, we have a small group, that small group,

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and we divide them as best we can into maybe situations if we can. We all have things in

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common, doesn't matter what our situations are. But we divide them into small groups and

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then five ladies, five, six, maybe seven, but we try to keep it at five or six ladies in the U.S.

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simulate what you just heard. So it gives them a chance to sort of process what they heard here.

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You do not have to tell your stories. Some ladies do. Some ladies don't. And that is perfectly fine.

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We are not here yet. You know, they don't have to reveal everything. But we do want them just

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to assimilate what the speakers are talking about. They may talk about their emotional, oh,

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I never thought about that emotional cup. Wait a minute, you know, that false guilt, the shame,

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the fear, the anger that's down in that cup. What is that? And how can we counter that?

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How can we counter that? How can we put on and suit up with the armor of God?

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What are these tools that we're talking about? Self-care, things like that. And how can you

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implement that when you go home? So that's what our small groups are for. Then we have a whole

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afternoon of free time so they can go hiking. It's in the beautiful North Georgia mountains.

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So they can go hiking if they want. They can walk around. There's a lake. Sometimes we have

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the kayaks and paddleboards available to us at this where we hold this. And so people get out

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on the lake. They walk around the lake. They sit and talk. We have crafts in the, you know,

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during free time. Do they have to do the crafts? No, they don't have. I am not a crafty person.

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Did you? I'm not at all. And I can remember so many retreats where they expect you to do crafts.

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And I'm like, I think I'll go read a book. So don't have to. We provide all of that environment

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so that ladies get to do what they want to do. Like, go do what you want to do. And make,

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I want this retreat to be for the ladies and let them make it what they want need. What do you need?

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We also always have a prayer warrior on site. So now, so if they want to just sit, it was someone

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in prayer, they can. They can do that. They can sit and talk. Many times I've sat. There's some

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rocking chairs out by fire pit and they sit and then we just talk and have conversations.

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Sounds pretty heavenly. Yeah, at night there is fire pits. So we like those fire pits and we

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all sit around the rocking chairs, excuse me, sit around the rocking chairs and have conversations

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like not about our situations, but just conversations, you know, which favorite movie or whatever, you

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know, and then some people do. I mean, we do. Hey, can you help me walk through some, maybe how I

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can handle some things? There are conversations like that. Don't get me right where people even share

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how they've learned to respond to deal with to love in spite of that kind of thing.

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Correct. Correct. So the retreat is just a place to find God, a place to look to God. We encourage,

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you know, just let's look to God. We have wonderful worship music that sets the tone before every

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large group and the ladies are fabulous. And just tuning our hearts toward God because he's

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faithful. He's right there. He's holding you and you're not alone. And so hopefully by the end of

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the retreat, they has found rest. They have a little bit more of hope and encouragement to

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walk forward on their journey and they've connected not only with God, but with others.

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And they now know they're not alone. And even though you don't focus on solutions,

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how to handle it, they will undoubtedly between the peace that they get, the hope that they get,

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they also will hear some stories and get some ideas of things that have been helpful, I would

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imagine. Yes, they do. They do. So just like I briefly told my story, I go a little bit more

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in depth with my story. I tell some resources that have helped me. There is one of our sessions

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that's nothing about except tools to how to get back into life. And we lay out a lot of resources.

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Well, I would be grateful if you would send me those so I can put them in the show notes and

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people could pick up from those. Some of those, the ones that are broad enough to be helpful to

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a number of people. Yes, we can do that. So we talk about that last session is all about, okay,

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so how are you going to invest in rest? How are you going to invest in hope? How are you going

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to invest in encouragement? How are you going to invest in connection? So here you are. You've

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come off of an off ramp for 48 hours and the highway of life and you've come off on an off ramp,

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you've filled up at the hit pause. Yeah, hit pause. You took a little break. Now you're on the on ramp

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and that's when we start talking about the investment in all of those and what does that look like

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and what are some resources you can use and have? I love it. That just sounds really wonderful.

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And so I would encourage our listeners to think since your your retreats are not large and you

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can't open them to the world at this point, how would you encourage people to get that kind of

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benefit if they're not where you live and not running into you and and you're the people who

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attend. They live on the other side of the world. Of course, you don't you live all over the world,

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don't you? I live all over the world. So for your listeners, I am I am the Nomad,

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recent Nomad and I travel the world with my husband. You're right that I come back to North

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Georgia twice a year and put on these retreats. We actually have had people from Canada.

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Really? Yes, people from Seattle, Washington have come.

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They fly they you know a lot of people some people fly in and we have shuttles from the Atlanta

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Airport app to the retreats. So but I normally about four months before my retreats open up

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registration and so it's my retreats are usually in August. I may change it to September this next

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year but August and February so they can sign up to come to the retreat. But if they can't come to

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the retreat, we also offer scholarships but they can apply for scholarships. But if they can't come

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to the retreat, I just encourage them I have a page of resources. Good. Some of the resources that

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I have direct you to other people's resources. So there are resources out there. There are from

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individual resources like individual coaching to group, virtuals, even there are a lot of

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virtual groups that I recommend. So and they're on my page. So that yeah, if you can't I highly

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recommend you find a group that whether it's virtual or not that or in person that you can

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connect with women that understand and get it. And maybe they could contact you and get input.

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Yes, they can. Yes, they can Nancy at just be held.org Nancy at just be held.org. I would love to talk

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with somebody and help direct them. I can help talk to them. You know, I'm not an expert. I am just

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a mom but you're experienced. I'm a mom and a wife that yes, experience. I've walked it and I can

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tell you what I've done. So kind of wrapping this up. How can you just share with with our listeners

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what are the most important takeaways that you would want them to come away with to change maybe

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the dynamic in their family or the peace in their heart or what are the most important things that

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will help them go forward and be patient waiting on what God's doing. Give yourself grace. You're

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grieving the loss of life expectations. Yeah, you're grieving. So give yourself some grace.

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Give yourself, allow yourself to have self care. Allow yourself to have self care. You cannot help

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anyone else if you are empty. You know, that's true. Yeah, quiet time with God walks.

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What's group? And what is one of the most important things you've learned about God? He is faithful.

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He is faithful and he is right with me. And he knows what's going on. He does. He's right there.

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He sees every tear, everything our kids do think he's right there. We're not alone. We are not

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alone in this. He's faithful. Nancy, thank you so much. I will put connection information and

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resources in our show notes so that people can just get some things that will be helpful to them.

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But I love what you're doing because having walked through it myself, it's a pretty hard journey.

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And it's really easy to get overwhelmed and to feel like reminding God, I can't do this.

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This is beyond me, beyond my capacity. And also to recognize the fact that we get,

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we get judged that our children or husband also make such choices. What did you do wrong?

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I actually have a friend who, when she talked about both of her children who were making

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some not great choices, and she was sharing with friends so that they would help her,

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you know, encourage her, pray with her. They said, well, tell us what you did wrong so we

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don't do it. And I went, no, no, no. You've been there. And so one of the things you're doing

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is providing a place for people to rest. And that's so important. I just had somebody tell me,

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I probably ought to rest more. And giving us grace, grace is probably my most important word

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when in the years when our son was the hardest, God said to me, when you make mistakes with this boy,

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and you will, and yes, I certainly have, he says, make them on the side of grace.

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So it's not only grace for ourselves, but even giving grace to the ones who are breaking our

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hearts, who are endangering themselves. And so thank you, thank you, such a good, hopeful thing.

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And if you can't get into Nancy's retreats, the just be held, just think about that. I'm just

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going to go and let God hold me. What a great thought. But also maybe God wants you speaking to

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my listeners. Maybe he's got such a thing for you and you can learn from Nancy and do something

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similar. Or you can try and go better sign up fast. So I would imagine that they fill out pretty

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quickly. But any last words besides grace, say grace again, always grace, always grace,

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God's faithfulness and grace to others, then yourself. I will say in a just be held ministries.org

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is my website. Justbeheldministries.org is the website that has all the information about the

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retreat. It also has information about my ministry as a whole. It has all my resources on it. It has

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a page for donations so we can fund those scholarships for ladies. So justbeheldministries.org

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is the place to find me besides my email. And we will put all of that in the show notes

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for the podcast. And people can trust you'll get some contacts because I think you have a lot to

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offer. Well, I want these ladies, I want your listeners to hear you're not alone. And you're

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gonna be okay. Thank you. Thanks so much. God bless you. Thank you, Judy.