Bob Tiede: Ask Better Questions, episode 113

0:00 If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey right here at When You Love a Prodigal, and also help and hope for your own life journey. Once again, don't forget to jot down helpful thoughts and actions from today. As I've said many times, if you don't write it down, it probably won't happen. I have a special guest for you today with an unusual and very helpful topic. Bob Tiede has become, in my opinion, the question guru. He's the one who helps us ask questions.

0:42 Here's what he says about himself. He says, I am passionate about helping leaders shift their paradigm from the pressure of having to have all the right answers to simply having a few of the right questions. That's what we need, I think, the right questions, and he's going to help us with that. Here's what he says about himself. I've been on the staff of CRU for 52 years and currently serve on the U.S. Leadership Development Team. In 2006, while browsing in a bookstore, you say, I came across Leading with Questions by Michael Markhorpe.

1:27 I only had to peruse a few pages before declaring this as a keeper. The ideas in Leading with Questions changed forever how I looked at leadership and provided the vision for my website. And will help us, by the way. What you can expect to find on Leading with Questions, my ministry and website, curated wisdom from leaders around the globe, ideas to help you multiply your effectiveness times 10. That includes effectiveness in relating with your prodigal, leadership books recommendations, interviews with thought leaders, authors, and pastors.

2:13 So that's just background on Bob. There's more. But I'm thrilled that he's here. So why have I invited him to talk to you and me and to anyone else who loves a prodigal? Because I believe learning the best questions to ask and how to ask them will be one of the most helpful things we do in maintaining good relationships with our loved prodigals and with others you hope never become prodigals. Welcome, Bob. Judy, what a pleasure to be here with you today. My pleasure to have you. So I want you to first tell us, our listeners, more about yourself, including about your family.

3:00 Well, thank you, Judy. As you shared, I own staff with CRU 52 years. Of course, it was Campus Crusade for Christ when we joined. My wife, Sheri, and I both became believers at the University of South Dakota through the Ministry of Campus Crusade. I don't think I knew it was South Dakota. OK. Oh, Judy, I love to share with people I grew up in the deep south, the southern part of South Dakota. And our first eight years were in CRU Campus, Colorado, the state of Washington, Oregon. In 79, the national director of CRU at that time played matchmaker and brought Josh McDowell and myself together.

3:40 That moved us to your hometown, Dallas, in 1979 for the next 24 years. Had the privilege of working with Josh, became the CEO of Josh McDowell Ministry. We stepped away from that in 2003. And after sabbatical, CRU brought us seven opportunities. The one that resonated that God called us to was leadership development. And so I've been part of the global and U.S. leadership development team since 2004. And the mission is developing the next generation of leaders and just having a ball. And I love some of the things you've done in that.

4:22 Well, thank you. Thank you. As you shared, in 2006, I found the book Leading with Questions, the first edition. It was a page turner. It did change my leadership forever. Filled with stories of leaders literally from around the globe. And it's a whole other story, but that led me to the blog and led me to start authoring books. And now my blog, LeadingWithQuestions.com, is followed by Leaders in 190 Nations, which just blows my mind. Yeah. But you asked about our family. Sheri and I have four adult children, all married, doing well. None of them exactly were prodigals.

5:04 But if you're a parent of a child, there are going to be rough spots. And so certainly we can recall rough spots. And thank God they moved through and got to smooth ground again. And we now have eight grandkids. And life is good. And we live in Plano, Texas, a suburb on the north side. And life is good, Judy. Life is good. Well, just having grandchildren helps life be good. It's one of my favorite things. We have 10. We have. I have now 10. And I just love them.

5:44 I've spent the summer with them for the most part. And going from one to the other. As you began to learn more about the art of asking questions, Bob, you say it was helpful in your leadership work. Did it also impact your family and friend relationships? Talk about that. Yeah. Well, yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, the first application, I may be helping others now, but the first applications were helping myself. And today, as we talk about loving prodigals, I spent 24 years, as you know, Judy, working with Josh McDowell.

6:28 One of the proverbs, would you know from him, not from the book of Proverbs, but from him, that I heard so many times, is that if you have a child who's not making wise decisions, he would always say, rather than lecturing them, rules without relationships lead to rebellion. He would say, if they're out of sorts, you need to push on the relationship rather than on the rules. Yes. Just saying there ought to be no rules, but he was saying push on the relationship. And that was such helpful advice. So many times as there would be struggles with our teenagers, I'd be reminded, OK, push on the relationship rather than the rules.

7:16 And yes, I'm all about asking questions. But Judy, one of the things I say is, if you're going to ask questions, what do you need to do next? Yes, that's a good question. What do you say? Listen. If you ask a question, the next thing you need to do is to listen. If you don't plan to listen, don't ask the question. One of our granddaughters, when she was two, she was now 15, almost 16. But when she was two, she had a habit of asking you a question and running away before you could give her an answer.

7:57 We'd have to call her back and say, you just asked Grandpa a question, and then give her the answer. These were simple questions. But she no longer does that. But I'm saying, as a person, whenever you ask a question, the next thing you need to do is to listen. And when you're talking with a prodigal, your questions are often not real questions, that you just put your statement in a question form, like, why in the world would you do that? Or what do you think you're doing with that, as opposed to really asking a question and then listening? You're so right, Judy. I thought it might be helpful to your listeners if I could share a few tips on listening.

8:42 And then we'll get to the next question. Oh, I'd love that. Right. Judy, the first one, my first tip, it's the best tip I have. But let me just share kind of a confession. And that is, for many years, when I was told I was not a good listener, and usually the source of being told was my wife Sherry, I would just kind of grit my teeth and think, I just need to try harder. And in my confession- And did that work? No. No, but I kept doing it. You know, insanity repeated over and over. But then a number of years ago, a friend handed me a book. I no longer have it on my shelf.

9:24 It was written by a Christian couple who are counselors. The book title was Can You Hear Me Now? And along about the fourth or fifth chapter, it was on the Holy Spirit. And they said the only way we can become successful listening is to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit. Judy, as I read that, I laughed out loud. Not at them, but at me. Judy, if you'd asked me this question, if you said, Bob, is there anything in the Christian life you could do that will actually make a difference apart from the power of the Holy Spirit? I'd say, Judy, silly question. Of course not. And yeah, if I was witnessing, if I was teaching the scriptures, I would, yes, make sure that I was appropriating the power of the Holy Spirit, but I was laughing because somehow I saw listening as passive or whatever.

10:15 It never occurred to me that listening required the power of the Holy Spirit. That's so good. But to give someone the gift of being listened to absolutely requires the power of the Holy Spirit. So anyone listening, if you've never heard that before, if you write that down, apply that, appropriate the power of the Holy Spirit, you will have left this time with the greatest piece of knowledge. And again, I just shared something not original with me, but so impacted my life. It's also interesting, in English, the word listen and the word silent contain the same letters. Yes, they do. Listen and silent have the same letters.

10:56 I love things like that. Yeah. And of course in other languages, that's not true, but it is fascinating. And another tip, Judy, are you aware of what sport has an eight second timer? Yes, an eight second. Eight seconds. Oh, maybe, no, I know about baseball's new timer. That's not eight. Now you're texting, you certainly have been to a rodeo. Oh, that, yes I have. Bull riding. Bronco riding. All of them have an eight second clock. And you know, Judy, you and I can think, well, eight seconds is nothing. I mean, eight seconds.

11:37 But if you've ever watched, you know, you don't have to be a fan of rodeo, but if you've ever even watched a couple times, you quickly realize professional bull riders, to them eight seconds is an eternity. 80% of them are knocked off the bull in less than eight seconds. Yes, they are. And you're thinking, well, yeah, Bob, that's rodeo. What's that have to do with listening? Judy, this is so fascinating. Research shows that the average person, when they ask a question, only waits two or three seconds for an answer, instinctively. We haven't thought it through, but just instinctively. Well, we don't like those dead silence times. No, it seems like an eternity.

12:20 And so we ask the question, they don't answer in two or three seconds. And we suppose, you know, so to speak, get knocked off the bull because we haven't waited. And so the eight second rule is ask your question, and then keep comfortable eyesight, not intense, just comfortable, and count to yourself. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003. Judy, there's times I've gotten to 1,030. The longer the silence, the better the answer. And actually that silence is an ongoing question that you're expecting an answer, but again, in a comfortable way. That's so good.

13:01 And so another one is to listen and repeat back. In other words, they've given you an answer and you say, son or daughter, their first name, here's what I'm hearing you say. And you repeat it back verbatim. Another listening tip is what I call asking the second and third question. In almost in every answer, there's something we could inquire about. Say more about that. You mentioned, you know, your friend, Tom. Tell me about Tom. There's something you can ask. Again, it's not an inquisition, but it shows interest in staying with their answers and drawing them in more.

13:49 But I say, and this is true just in relationships, certainly it applies to our prodigal, but relationships with everyone, your spouse, your children, your grandchildren, your friends. Lecture no, listen yes. We win by listening, we lose by lecturing. Oh, that's so good. Do you like to be told what to do? Oh, not at all. No. Oh. But Judy, if we have a certain topic, and I say, Judy, what do you think we might do? How's that? I like that. I like that. Yeah. And teens, children are going to love that too.

14:35 Absolutely. They get so tired of being told what to do. Yeah. Now, I would say to a parent who has been lecturing and says, wow, I see, you know, the definition of insanity is doing something over and over expecting different results, and it's like, you know, or the Dr. Phil question, you've been lecturing, so how's that working for you? You know, we realize not so well, so might you be open to another thing, and that is to listen and to ask better questions, but I'm not suggesting, I don't have a magic bullet here, Judy, that hey, if you just ask this question, it'll solve it.

15:16 We're talking about building a relationship, and relationships take time. Yes. They're not instant. And harmed or not working relationships will take more time to restore. Yes. One more thing on listening. This quote hangs here in the wall of my office. It's about David Augsburger, senior professor of pastoral care and counseling at Fuller Seminary, but here's the quote, being heard is so close to being loved, they're almost indistinguishable. Let me read that again. Being heard is so close to being loved, they're almost indistinguishable.

15:58 And certainly as parents, we ought to verbally tell our kids that we love them, but keep in mind the action of listening to them. It's not that they're gonna sit there and think, oh, dad, you've been listening, that just feels like love to me. No, it may not be conscious, but the result of feeling of her and cared for. Bob, let me just say that's really profound. And that being heard is almost like love. Yeah. I just, I wanna say it again, I want them to hear. Being heard is like love.

16:40 And so if you're trying to work on your relationship with your product or whether they're somebody you can still tell what to do or not, if you will listen, and if you will ask questions that let them say something to you, and you listen with your mouth shut, not that, but, it could be the opening of a door to restoring a relationship or keeping one or building one. Another thought I have, and again, this comes from my colleague, Josh McDowell. Instead of aiming at catching your kids doing wrong things, he would say, catch them doing something right.

17:24 Yeah, that's- And affirm them. Judy, something I learned just recently is what I call even a better way to affirm somebody. And that is, let's just say about Judy, you hosting the podcast. I could say, Judy, man, what a great job you do. You host. But I could say, here's the better way. Judy, do you realize how good you are as a host? And then- No, I don't realize. And then ask, Judy, where'd you learn this? So think of that in terms of a son or a daughter doing something well. And- Well, and even if they're not prodigals.

18:07 Yes. Having just spent two weeks with my three daughters and teenage grandsons, I'm just all into how do you affirm them? You look for things that they do well, you look for strengths that you see in them, and you say those things to them. And that can do a number of things. It really affirms, oh, okay, good. It also builds your relationship with them. And I haven't in any way ever interacted with them as prodigals because they aren't primarily, though they don't do everything right. And it also just gives them a whole different sense of the value of who they are.

18:56 I love it. Next time you are interacting, ask them, do you know how well you did that? That's a great, I'll do it. Yeah, and where did you learn that? And it takes that affirmation to another level. And again, just something I learned recently. Then another thing to build relationships is, I ask you, what are your son or daughter's strengths or grandchildren? And when you think about that, think what could they teach me? What is it that they know that they could teach me? And say to your son or daughter, grandchild to anyone, hey, could you teach me how to do that?

19:42 Yeah. I think especially with a prodigal, the relationship so many times is they just, every time they're with you, all they hear about is how they're disappointing you. And here's an opportunity. Even if you don't use that word. Yeah. Here's an opportunity. Kind of, you set that aside for a moment. I'm working on the relationship. Son or daughter, could you teach me how to do, and see where that goes. It also puts them in the role of being the smart person in that conversation. And again, opportunity to express appreciation. Wow. I didn't know how to do that on my smartphone or my computer or whatever it is.

20:26 Always. Yeah. Then here's another tip. Judy, this one actually, I no longer ask people, why did you do that? Because anytime we're asked the why question, hey, Judy, why'd you do that? It always feels like, okay, I'm being judged. I feel immediately defensive. Now, I don't know actually why this works, but instead I ask what or how. Judy, what caused you to make that decision? Judy, how did you come to that conclusion? Instead of why did you come to that conclusion? Just substituting what or how.

21:07 Well, that's good. Gives the, you can ask the same question, a topic, but somehow it gives it a much different feeling than when you ask why. Now, I'm not suggesting throw why away completely because here's something fascinating. Judy, if I ask you, why did you think that, in other words, some situation apart from you, why did you think that happened? You don't feel threatened at all. It doesn't feel, or if I say, Judy, you know Sam, why do you think Sam did that? Again, Judy, you can use the why question about somebody else, but don't ask it directly.

21:47 Like Judy, why did you do that? Instead, Judy, you come to that conclusion. Oh, I like it, yes. Just a simple, simple tip. Then, again, there's so many things we can learn from the Lord Jesus, but here's an idea from Jesus on if you wanna get somebody talking. Instead of asking them what they think, say, hey Judy, you know, on this topic, what are your coworkers saying? What's your family, what are your friends saying about this? And somehow, when we ask people to give us input on what people around them are thinking, they quickly respond.

22:31 Yeah, because they can do that. It's not personal. Yeah, so I said, this comes from Jesus. He's walking along with the disciples, he said, who do people say that I am? Well, they quickly answer. Of course, he was setting them up for his next question. They didn't know the next question was coming, but after they shared all what others were thinking, he said, well, what about you? And so again, with anyone, ask them about others before you say, what do you think? And it just, it primes the pump, it gets them talking.

23:13 So good. And if you have any other great nuggets on listening, I'm open to that, because it's such an important thing, is listening. Most of us talk more than we listen. And we especially often don't listen to what our kids say, whether they're again, in the home or out of the home. We think we know more than they do. Yeah. And we may know more experience in life, but we don't know more about where they are and what they're thinking and feeling than we do. We need to give them a chance to talk about it. Absolutely, absolutely.

23:54 All right, let's go along this line with some principles for using good questions to have great conversations that are positive and uplifting and also how important is the tone of voice and certainly to listening to responses? Well, Judy, as you said, just inflection. I mean, we can ask an abrupt kind of question and we can ask, Judy, I'm curious. What are your friends saying about this? And then, what do you think?

24:35 And just by inflection and silence and listening and then appreciation, wow, Judy, that's really insightful. I'd never thought about it that way. And we give some of that positive feedback. It then invites more conversation. And again, as we said earlier, there aren't any magic bullets that, hey, if you just do this, you immediately have a great conversation. Sometimes it takes asking and listening and looking for things to do together and it takes time to build any relationship. So there's that kind of thing.

25:16 Another, I get this from a mother. She said- I bet that's wise. Yeah, absolutely. She said, every day when my daughter came home from school, I would ask, honey, how was school today? And she said, at best, I got a one-word answer. Good, okay, boring, end of conversation. And she thought one day, I'm not satisfied with her answers, but she thought if you want better answers, I guess you better ask better questions. And so she thought about it a while and when her daughter came home that day, instead of how was school today, she said, honey, tell me about your day. And she said, at first, I didn't know if she'd heard me because she was quiet for quite a while.

25:58 But then she began to speak and she went on for 10 minutes telling me about her day. And the mother went, yes, on the inside. A pillar question. And the principle there is think through your question. Can your question be answered in one word? If you can, that's the definition of kind of a closed question. Now sometimes, yeah, we wanna know that. Did you lock the door? Yes, okay, good. There's not wrong to ask closed questions, but for conversation, we wanna ask open questions, questions that can't be answered with one word. And again, there may be times that you still not get an answer, but asking the open question will always be better.

26:45 Another thing I got is, so often, Judy, with our grandkids, we've asked, what do you wanna be when you grow up? And I'm not saying that's a bad question, but I read this once. He said, instead of asking, what do you wanna be when you grow up, ask this. What problems would you like to solve when you grow up? That's good. And I just thought, wow, that is a better question. What problems would you like to solve? And I think sometimes, again, in the midst of a child who's really struggling with an issue, is a prodigal, and we so focus so many conversations just on what they're doing wrong.

27:26 Absolutely do. To set it aside and say, Joe, if you could accomplish only one miserable thing this year, what would it be? That's good. And let Joe talk about something he would like to accomplish. Or, you know, Sarah, of all the things you do well, what do you see as your single greatest strength? What do you do at the very best? Those are such wonderful, affirming questions. And it doesn't even say, I think you're doing great. I think you're great. You don't have to put it in those terms. You are letting them identify and have value in what they see about themselves.

28:14 Yeah. Then I got, this is a great question for almost every situation. It's a witnessing question, but it can be asked. And I got this from friends, John and Pam Strain. They call it their platinum question. It is, I'm curious, assuming there is a God and you could ask God anything, what would you ask? And it starts a spiritual conversation. Judy, I shared that last summer in Milwaukee at our CRU conference, was a waitress. And she was busy. I said, I have a question for you. I shared it. I said, now, you continue to serve people, but when you're ready, come back with an answer.

28:57 But when she came back, she said, I asked everybody in the kitchen. And, but asking again, a teen, a grandson, a granddaughter. And, you know, maybe you don't with them, maybe you don't have to do the assuming, but if you could ask God anything, what would you ask? And knowing that he would answer. Oh, another, one of my favorite questions is from Chariots of Fire. Steve's favorite movie. Yes, Eric Lytle. He made this statement. His sister, Jenny, thinks he's lost sight of the things of God. He's too focused on sports. He was an Olympic gold medal runner.

29:40 And he's walking on the Scottish Hill side. He has this conversation with his sister and he says, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, I believe that God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run, I feel his pleasure. And I love to ask people, what is it you're doing when you feel God's pleasure? Oh, beautiful. Again, asking a son or a daughter, a grandchild, somebody struggling, you may be amazed that, and you're focusing them back on the Lord, on God, and thinking, wow, God, my creator, what did he put within me that when I do this, I feel his pleasure?

30:24 And it's also one of those questions, some people have never thought about it. So it could well be that you're not going to get an answer today. And sometimes we have to say, hey, that's fine. Will you do me this favor? When you get that answer, will you share it with me? And don't be surprised if days later you get, you know, they say, hey, I've got the answer. And you don't say what, to what? You remember that you asked them a question. You asked, you know, another question, well, would you like to be in 10 years? What are your dreams? And the 10 years, you know, stretches people, it's beyond their circumstances, it's thinking big.

31:10 And then as they share all of that, how could I help? How could I help? I was recently with my 16 year old grandson. And we actually had a two hour conversation. I just thought, who gets to talk to a 16 year old for two solid hours? And it was both of us, it was conversation. But I asked him what he was looking toward in the future and he told me, he says, well, I want to do this and then this and then this and, you know, so it was wonderful and to be able to affirm him in that. Judy, by any chance, was that the grandson that spoke at Steve's service?

31:52 Yes, it was. I was so impressed. He did such a great job. He did such a great job. Yeah. You know, another question, this one comes from Jesus and it's in a situation where we think, why did Jesus even have to ask? Because it was so obvious. He encounters on this one occasion, this blind man who wants to see Jesus and when he gets into his presence, instead of Jesus saying, oh, obviously you want to be made to see, you want to be healed of your blindness, instead Jesus said, what do you want me to do for you? And so there's sometimes, again, in conversations, people come and we think, okay, yep, here's what Judy wants me to do.

32:39 And in some cases, whether it's Judy or Bob or Tom or Sarah, they just wanted to be listened to. I don't want you to fix it, I just wanted you to listen. And then sometimes what we think they want us to do, if we just ask, we discover, oh, he actually wanted something completely different. And yes, I'm happy to do it, but the whole idea is don't presume you know the answer to what you think might be obvious. Instead, what do you want me to do for you? How can I help? But listen and wait for their response.

33:22 Well, Judy, those are just some of the relationship building questions, I'm sure there's more. Let me give you just a couple of examples and kind of a quick answer of how you might respond. So suppose your 15-year-old daughter is hanging out with some people you are concerned with. She begins to be gone a lot, and you discover she's lied to you, and you find out she's begun cutting herself. What would be a way a parent might approach that that is normal, and what would be a better way?

34:05 You know, Judy, first of all, I realize these are real examples. These aren't just fictional. That's right. Yeah, there's people that encounter this. And you know, the way that probably won't work is immediately why in the world would you do this? It is the question we're asking on the inside. Yes, that's what we're wondering, yes. What we're wondering. But if we back it up and we think, okay, no, I actually want to hopefully be part of redeeming here, what might I ask?

34:54 And again, Judy, I don't have, like, here's the magic bullet. This will solve it all. No. But, honey, what have you been feeling? That's good. And again, it may not elicit an answer, but you haven't immediately started with attacking. You know, help me understand what you're feeling. And you, again, silenced, give that, if you ask that, give that more than the eight seconds before you jump in.

35:35 And sometimes there could be silence of a minute, and you're just comfortably listening. Because that son or daughter, grandchild or anyone may not be in touch with what they're feeling. It may take them a while. They might not even be able to respond to that. But it's a better question than why in the world did you do this kind of thing? That's really true. Judy, what would you ask? What would I ask? I would ask something similar to that. What are you feeling? I would ask them what's going on for you that pushes you to do that. Yeah.

36:15 So that it's putting the blame not on them, but on some circumstances, and it might be relationships, or various things, rather than say you're hanging out with the wrong people. And how in the world could you be cutting yourself, which is a question I ask in my mind all the time. It's that, what is that about? But no, what's going on that's causing concern for you, or causing fear for you? I don't know. I'd have to think more and know more of the situation. But you come in with, just like you said, not the direct question and not the accusation, but the wanting to understand, and then stopping to listen.

36:59 So let me give you one more situation. This one is your 23-year-old son. So he's out of your home, and he's not being very responsible, only engages with the family mostly to ask for money, is apparently drinking, doing some drugs. And so you're very concerned for their right now, and their safety, and health, but you're also concerned for their future. So same question. What would be the typical way a parent might approach a conversation, and then what might be a better way with some helpful questions?

37:42 Again, I think the typical way is, what in the world are you doing? Why are you doing, man, you're making terrible decisions. Or why would you want to self-destruct? Why are you wanting to destroy your life? And we go after that. But again, I think, hey, how's life going? What's giving you joy? What's causing you to struggle at this point? And again, seeking the relational questions. I would say in like 99.99% of the case, they know the decisions and actions they're doing are disappointing to you.

38:27 Yes, they know that. They know that. And they probably feel guilty. And again, if it's reached the point of addiction, there's addiction's whole power. Even with people at some point where they say to themselves, man, I gotta get out of this. This is not life. This is not giving me life. And yet the addiction has such power. And Judy, I don't have expertise there. I think you need expertise in overcoming addictions. But as a parent, just seeking to love, to listen, to understand, and what could I do to help?

39:11 Yeah, that's good. Rather than telling them, here's what you need to do. It's what can I do to help? Judy, I'm sure you've taught the story of the prodigal son over and over and over. Over and over and over. My favorite story. It's so powerful. A couple of the principles that I've seen, they're the obvious ones, is he didn't run after the sun. He didn't try to fix it from afar. He waited until the sun came to his senses. And of course, I love the part that while the sun was still a far distance off, he saw him.

39:54 Brings tears to my eyes every time. He ran and embraced him and welcomed him home. And when the sun started his speech, no, no, no, he was welcomed home. And one of the things that I pray has been true in my life and want to continue to be true, is to trust my kids, to trust my grandkids, to err in trust versus err in judgment. Ultimately, I know each one of us has free will. Each one of us is responsible before the Lord.

40:36 But let the Lord do his work. He loved them first. He loves them most. And the most. The most. He died for them. And of course, I'm also fond, Judy, I'm sure you do this too. I remind parents that no child can outrun the prayers of their parents or grandparents. That's right. Of how far they run. And to realize that the last chapter's not been written. And I'm not suggesting that every great leader needs to have been a prodigal at some point, but there are a lot of stories of leaders who once were prodigals.

41:24 God turned their lives around. And he can do that for your son or daughter or grandchild or friend's son or daughter, whatever the situation is. This is great, Rob. I would love to keep talking, but probably we come to the end. And I am really, really grateful for this very helpful, practical, real life input. So I'd just ask you one last question. Of your numerous books, for people who love a prodigal, what book would you recommend that could be the most helpful to them?

42:04 Well, I have two thoughts there. If you go to my blog, leadingwithquestions.com, and in the search place, just type in children or grandchildren, you'll find numerous blog posts written by others, guests, parents, written by others, guest posts that share many practical questions. The second thing is if you go to leadingwithquestions.com on the top is the word books. And I have five free, absolutely free e-books. And the first one I wrote, though, was Great Leaders Ask Questions. I also recorded the audio book. And while it's a leadership book, it is in so many practical ways, ways to build relationship with anyone.

42:51 And it's an easy read. You can read this one in 45 minutes. You can listen to me, probably a little bit longer. I speak a little slower than you can read. But again, if you're driving in the car, doing something else, working in the kitchen, you can absorb the book that way. And again, they're free. But I'd recommend starting with Great Leaders Ask Questions. Another book that I think you would love is now, that's a great question, both of them free e-books. Fantastic. Okay, thank you, thank you, Bob. I'm gonna put links to Bob's website and books in the show notes.

43:32 So be sure and check for that. And to my listeners, I just really encourage you to look for ways to put this into practice and to ask the questions that open things up and give your loved one a chance to respond. And then listen, listen. Don't just jump right back in and telling them where they're wrong. And, because their answer may be wrong in a sense, but just keep loving and listening and asking better questions. And I think you'll find you're on a good path to a good relationship and hopefully soon, a restoration with your loved one.

44:21 Thank you, thank you for, Bob. I'm so grateful for your being available. And may God continue to use you to touch many lives as you open people's minds of new ways to communicate and to listen and hear. So thank you. Thanks so much. And to my listeners, God bless you.