Bob Tiede: Ask Better Questions, episode 113

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If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey right here at When You Love a Prodigal,

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and also help and hope for your own life journey.

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Once again, don't forget to jot down helpful thoughts and actions from today.

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As I've said many times, if you don't write it down, it probably won't happen.

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I have a special guest for you today with an unusual and very helpful topic.

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Bob Tiede has become, in my opinion, the question guru.

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He's the one who helps us ask questions.

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Here's what he says about himself.

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He says, I am passionate about helping leaders shift their paradigm from the pressure of having to have all the right answers

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to simply having a few of the right questions.

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That's what we need, I think, the right questions, and he's going to help us with that.

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Here's what he says about himself.

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I've been on the staff of CRU for 52 years and currently serve on the U.S. Leadership Development Team.

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In 2006, while browsing in a bookstore, you say, I came across Leading with Questions by Michael Markhorpe.

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I only had to peruse a few pages before declaring this as a keeper.

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The ideas in Leading with Questions changed forever how I looked at leadership and provided the vision for my website.

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And will help us, by the way.

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What you can expect to find on Leading with Questions, my ministry and website,

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curated wisdom from leaders around the globe, ideas to help you multiply your effectiveness times 10.

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That includes effectiveness in relating with your prodigal, leadership books recommendations,

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interviews with thought leaders, authors, and pastors.

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So that's just background on Bob.

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There's more.

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But I'm thrilled that he's here.

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So why have I invited him to talk to you and me and to anyone else who loves a prodigal?

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Because I believe learning the best questions to ask and how to ask them will be one of the most helpful things we do

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in maintaining good relationships with our loved prodigals and with others you hope never become prodigals.

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Welcome, Bob.

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Judy, what a pleasure to be here with you today.

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My pleasure to have you.

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So I want you to first tell us, our listeners, more about yourself, including about your family.

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Well, thank you, Judy.

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As you shared, I own staff with CRU 52 years.

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Of course, it was Campus Crusade for Christ when we joined.

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My wife, Sheri, and I both became believers at the University of South Dakota through the Ministry of Campus Crusade.

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I don't think I knew it was South Dakota.

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OK.

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Oh, Judy, I love to share with people I grew up in the deep south, the southern part of South Dakota.

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And our first eight years were in CRU Campus, Colorado, the state of Washington, Oregon.

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In 79, the national director of CRU at that time played matchmaker and brought Josh McDowell and myself together.

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That moved us to your hometown, Dallas, in 1979 for the next 24 years.

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Had the privilege of working with Josh, became the CEO of Josh McDowell Ministry.

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We stepped away from that in 2003.

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And after sabbatical, CRU brought us seven opportunities.

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The one that resonated that God called us to was leadership development.

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And so I've been part of the global and U.S. leadership development team since 2004.

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And the mission is developing the next generation of leaders and just having a ball.

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And I love some of the things you've done in that.

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Well, thank you. Thank you.

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As you shared, in 2006, I found the book Leading with Questions, the first edition.

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It was a page turner. It did change my leadership forever.

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Filled with stories of leaders literally from around the globe.

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And it's a whole other story, but that led me to the blog and led me to start authoring books.

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And now my blog, LeadingWithQuestions.com, is followed by Leaders in 190 Nations, which just blows my mind.

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Yeah.

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But you asked about our family.

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Sheri and I have four adult children, all married, doing well.

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None of them exactly were prodigals.

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But if you're a parent of a child, there are going to be rough spots.

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And so certainly we can recall rough spots.

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And thank God they moved through and got to smooth ground again.

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And we now have eight grandkids.

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And life is good.

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And we live in Plano, Texas, a suburb on the north side.

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And life is good, Judy.

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Life is good.

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Well, just having grandchildren helps life be good.

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It's one of my favorite things.

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We have 10. We have. I have now 10.

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And I just love them.

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I've spent the summer with them for the most part.

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And going from one to the other.

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As you began to learn more about the art of asking questions, Bob,

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you say it was helpful in your leadership work.

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Did it also impact your family and friend relationships?

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Talk about that.

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Yeah.

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Well, yeah, absolutely.

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Absolutely.

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I mean, the first application, I may be helping others now,

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but the first applications were helping myself.

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And today, as we talk about loving prodigals,

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I spent 24 years, as you know, Judy, working with Josh McDowell.

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One of the proverbs, would you know from him,

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not from the book of Proverbs, but from him,

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that I heard so many times, is that if you have a child who's

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not making wise decisions, he would always say,

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rather than lecturing them, rules without relationships

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lead to rebellion.

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He would say, if they're out of sorts,

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you need to push on the relationship

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rather than on the rules.

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Yes.

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Just saying there ought to be no rules,

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but he was saying push on the relationship.

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And that was such helpful advice.

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So many times as there would be struggles with our teenagers,

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I'd be reminded, OK, push on the relationship

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rather than the rules.

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And yes, I'm all about asking questions.

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But Judy, one of the things I say

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is, if you're going to ask questions,

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what do you need to do next?

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Yes, that's a good question.

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What do you say?

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Listen.

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If you ask a question, the next thing you need to do

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is to listen.

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If you don't plan to listen, don't ask the question.

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One of our granddaughters, when she was two,

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she was now 15, almost 16.

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But when she was two, she had a habit of asking you a question

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and running away before you could give her an answer.

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We'd have to call her back and say,

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you just asked Grandpa a question,

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and then give her the answer.

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These were simple questions.

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But she no longer does that.

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But I'm saying, as a person, whenever you ask a question,

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the next thing you need to do is to listen.

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And when you're talking with a prodigal,

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your questions are often not real questions,

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that you just put your statement in a question form,

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like, why in the world would you do that?

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Or what do you think you're doing with that,

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as opposed to really asking a question and then listening?

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You're so right, Judy.

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I thought it might be helpful to your listeners

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if I could share a few tips on listening.

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And then we'll get to the next question.

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Oh, I'd love that.

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Right.

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Judy, the first one, my first tip,

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it's the best tip I have.

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But let me just share kind of a confession.

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And that is, for many years,

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when I was told I was not a good listener,

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and usually the source of being told was my wife Sherry,

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I would just kind of grit my teeth and think,

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I just need to try harder.

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And in my confession-

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And did that work?

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No.

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No, but I kept doing it.

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You know, insanity repeated over and over.

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But then a number of years ago,

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a friend handed me a book.

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I no longer have it on my shelf.

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It was written by a Christian couple who are counselors.

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The book title was Can You Hear Me Now?

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And along about the fourth or fifth chapter,

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it was on the Holy Spirit.

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And they said the only way we can become successful

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listening is to walk in the power of the Holy Spirit.

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Judy, as I read that, I laughed out loud.

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Not at them, but at me.

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Judy, if you'd asked me this question,

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if you said, Bob, is there anything in the Christian life

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you could do that will actually make a difference

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apart from the power of the Holy Spirit?

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I'd say, Judy, silly question.

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Of course not.

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And yeah, if I was witnessing,

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if I was teaching the scriptures,

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I would, yes, make sure that I was appropriating

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the power of the Holy Spirit,

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but I was laughing because somehow I saw listening

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as passive or whatever.

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It never occurred to me that listening required

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the power of the Holy Spirit.

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That's so good.

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But to give someone the gift of being listened to

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absolutely requires the power of the Holy Spirit.

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So anyone listening, if you've never heard that before,

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if you write that down, apply that,

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appropriate the power of the Holy Spirit,

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you will have left this time

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with the greatest piece of knowledge.

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And again, I just shared something not original with me,

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but so impacted my life.

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It's also interesting, in English,

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the word listen and the word silent

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contain the same letters.

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Yes, they do.

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Listen and silent have the same letters.

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I love things like that.

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Yeah.

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And of course in other languages, that's not true,

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but it is fascinating.

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And another tip, Judy, are you aware of what sport

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has an eight second timer?

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Yes, an eight second.

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Eight seconds.

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Oh, maybe, no, I know about baseball's new timer.

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That's not eight.

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Now you're texting, you certainly have been to a rodeo.

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Oh, that, yes I have.

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Bull riding.

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Bronco riding.

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All of them have an eight second clock.

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And you know, Judy, you and I can think,

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well, eight seconds is nothing.

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I mean, eight seconds.

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But if you've ever watched, you know,

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you don't have to be a fan of rodeo,

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but if you've ever even watched a couple times,

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you quickly realize professional bull riders,

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to them eight seconds is an eternity.

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80% of them are knocked off the bull in less than eight seconds.

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Yes, they are.

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And you're thinking, well, yeah, Bob, that's rodeo.

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What's that have to do with listening?

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Judy, this is so fascinating.

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Research shows that the average person,

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when they ask a question, only waits two or three seconds

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for an answer, instinctively.

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We haven't thought it through, but just instinctively.

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Well, we don't like those dead silence times.

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No, it seems like an eternity.

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And so we ask the question,

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they don't answer in two or three seconds.

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And we suppose, you know, so to speak,

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get knocked off the bull because we haven't waited.

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And so the eight second rule is ask your question,

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and then keep comfortable eyesight, not intense,

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just comfortable, and count to yourself.

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1,001, 1,002, 1,003.

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Judy, there's times I've gotten to 1,030.

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The longer the silence, the better the answer.

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And actually that silence is an ongoing question

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that you're expecting an answer,

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but again, in a comfortable way.

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That's so good.

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And so another one is to listen and repeat back.

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In other words, they've given you an answer

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and you say, son or daughter, their first name,

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here's what I'm hearing you say.

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And you repeat it back verbatim.

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Another listening tip is what I call

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asking the second and third question.

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In almost in every answer,

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there's something we could inquire about.

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Say more about that.

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You mentioned, you know, your friend, Tom.

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Tell me about Tom.

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There's something you can ask.

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Again, it's not an inquisition,

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but it shows interest in staying with their answers

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and drawing them in more.

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But I say, and this is true just in relationships,

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certainly it applies to our prodigal,

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but relationships with everyone, your spouse,

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your children, your grandchildren, your friends.

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00:14:04,120 --> 00:14:08,320
Lecture no, listen yes.

255
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,040
We win by listening, we lose by lecturing.

256
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:13,560
Oh, that's so good.

257
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,000
Do you like to be told what to do?

258
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:17,440
Oh, not at all.

259
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:18,280
No.

260
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:19,120
Oh.

261
00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,680
But Judy, if we have a certain topic,

262
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,440
and I say, Judy, what do you think we might do?

263
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:26,280
How's that?

264
00:14:26,280 --> 00:14:27,360
I like that.

265
00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:28,200
I like that.

266
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,040
Yeah.

267
00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:34,040
And teens, children are going to love that too.

268
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:36,920
Absolutely.

269
00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,560
They get so tired of being told what to do.

270
00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:40,560
Yeah.

271
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:44,760
Now, I would say to a parent who has been lecturing

272
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:48,680
and says, wow, I see, you know,

273
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:51,200
the definition of insanity is doing something

274
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:53,560
over and over expecting different results,

275
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,400
and it's like, you know, or the Dr. Phil question,

276
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:59,320
you've been lecturing, so how's that working for you?

277
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,080
You know, we realize not so well,

278
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,840
so might you be open to another thing,

279
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:09,560
and that is to listen and to ask better questions,

280
00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:13,160
but I'm not suggesting, I don't have a magic bullet here,

281
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:15,680
Judy, that hey, if you just ask this question,

282
00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:16,720
it'll solve it.

283
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,960
We're talking about building a relationship,

284
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,840
and relationships take time.

285
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:21,680
Yes.

286
00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,520
They're not instant.

287
00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:26,960
And harmed or not working relationships

288
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,440
will take more time to restore.

289
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,040
Yes.

290
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,760
One more thing on listening.

291
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,400
This quote hangs here in the wall of my office.

292
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:38,080
It's about David Augsburger, senior professor

293
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,880
of pastoral care and counseling at Fuller Seminary,

294
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:42,400
but here's the quote,

295
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,920
being heard is so close to being loved,

296
00:15:46,920 --> 00:15:49,520
they're almost indistinguishable.

297
00:15:49,520 --> 00:15:50,480
Let me read that again.

298
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,760
Being heard is so close to being loved,

299
00:15:54,760 --> 00:15:57,000
they're almost indistinguishable.

300
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,400
And certainly as parents,

301
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:04,000
we ought to verbally tell our kids that we love them,

302
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,920
but keep in mind the action of listening to them.

303
00:16:07,920 --> 00:16:10,080
It's not that they're gonna sit there and think,

304
00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:11,520
oh, dad, you've been listening,

305
00:16:11,520 --> 00:16:13,720
that just feels like love to me.

306
00:16:13,720 --> 00:16:15,880
No, it may not be conscious,

307
00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:20,880
but the result of feeling of her and cared for.

308
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:25,400
Bob, let me just say that's really profound.

309
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:30,400
And that being heard is almost like love.

310
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:32,920
Yeah.

311
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:36,840
I just, I wanna say it again, I want them to hear.

312
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:40,320
Being heard is like love.

313
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:45,040
And so if you're trying to work on your relationship

314
00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:47,520
with your product or whether they're somebody

315
00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,880
you can still tell what to do or not,

316
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:52,640
if you will listen,

317
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,560
and if you will ask questions

318
00:16:54,560 --> 00:16:58,360
that let them say something to you,

319
00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,840
and you listen with your mouth shut,

320
00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,200
not that, but,

321
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:08,440
it could be the opening of a door

322
00:17:08,440 --> 00:17:12,640
to restoring a relationship or keeping one or building one.

323
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,440
Another thought I have,

324
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:18,200
and again, this comes from my colleague, Josh McDowell.

325
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:22,240
Instead of aiming at catching your kids doing wrong things,

326
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,960
he would say, catch them doing something right.

327
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:25,800
Yeah, that's-

328
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,600
And affirm them.

329
00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,040
Judy, something I learned just recently

330
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:33,960
is what I call even a better way to affirm somebody.

331
00:17:34,840 --> 00:17:37,760
And that is, let's just say about Judy,

332
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,160
you hosting the podcast.

333
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:42,200
I could say, Judy, man, what a great job you do.

334
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:43,480
You host.

335
00:17:43,480 --> 00:17:46,360
But I could say, here's the better way.

336
00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:51,360
Judy, do you realize how good you are as a host?

337
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:53,240
And then-

338
00:17:53,240 --> 00:17:55,120
No, I don't realize.

339
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:58,160
And then ask, Judy, where'd you learn this?

340
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:02,360
So think of that in terms of a son or a daughter

341
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,480
doing something well.

342
00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,320
And-

343
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,400
Well, and even if they're not prodigals.

344
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,240
Yes.

345
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:12,120
Having just spent two weeks with my three daughters

346
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,520
and teenage grandsons,

347
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:19,520
I'm just all into how do you affirm them?

348
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,160
You look for things that they do well,

349
00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:24,880
you look for strengths that you see in them,

350
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,320
and you say those things to them.

351
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:30,920
And that can do a number of things.

352
00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:34,160
It really affirms, oh, okay, good.

353
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:37,520
It also builds your relationship with them.

354
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:41,440
And I haven't in any way ever interacted with them

355
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:44,040
as prodigals because they aren't primarily,

356
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,240
though they don't do everything right.

357
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:52,320
And it also just gives them a whole different sense

358
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:56,080
of the value of who they are.

359
00:18:56,080 --> 00:18:56,920
I love it.

360
00:18:56,920 --> 00:19:00,680
Next time you are interacting,

361
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:04,000
ask them, do you know how well you did that?

362
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,080
That's a great, I'll do it.

363
00:19:06,080 --> 00:19:08,320
Yeah, and where did you learn that?

364
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:12,840
And it takes that affirmation to another level.

365
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:15,640
And again, just something I learned recently.

366
00:19:15,640 --> 00:19:18,920
Then another thing to build relationships is,

367
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:22,840
I ask you, what are your son or daughter's strengths

368
00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:24,840
or grandchildren?

369
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,000
And when you think about that,

370
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:30,280
think what could they teach me?

371
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,720
What is it that they know that they could teach me?

372
00:19:34,720 --> 00:19:37,600
And say to your son or daughter,

373
00:19:37,600 --> 00:19:39,440
grandchild to anyone, hey,

374
00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,320
could you teach me how to do that?

375
00:19:42,320 --> 00:19:43,160
Yeah.

376
00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,400
I think especially with a prodigal,

377
00:19:46,400 --> 00:19:49,240
the relationship so many times is they just,

378
00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,560
every time they're with you, all they hear about

379
00:19:51,560 --> 00:19:54,080
is how they're disappointing you.

380
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:55,920
And here's an opportunity.

381
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,320
Even if you don't use that word.

382
00:19:57,320 --> 00:19:58,680
Yeah.

383
00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:00,920
Here's an opportunity.

384
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,200
Kind of, you set that aside for a moment.

385
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,720
I'm working on the relationship.

386
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:08,640
Son or daughter, could you teach me how to do,

387
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:11,040
and see where that goes.

388
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:14,920
It also puts them in the role of being the smart person

389
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,520
in that conversation.

390
00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:20,600
And again, opportunity to express appreciation.

391
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,440
Wow.

392
00:20:21,440 --> 00:20:23,600
I didn't know how to do that on my smartphone

393
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,920
or my computer or whatever it is.

394
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,040
Always.

395
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:28,880
Yeah.

396
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,960
Then here's another tip.

397
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:36,520
Judy, this one actually, I no longer ask people,

398
00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,200
why did you do that?

399
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:41,240
Because anytime we're asked the why question,

400
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,680
hey, Judy, why'd you do that?

401
00:20:43,680 --> 00:20:46,280
It always feels like, okay, I'm being judged.

402
00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,360
I feel immediately defensive.

403
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:52,000
Now, I don't know actually why this works,

404
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:57,160
but instead I ask what or how.

405
00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:00,240
Judy, what caused you to make that decision?

406
00:21:00,240 --> 00:21:02,680
Judy, how did you come to that conclusion?

407
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,120
Instead of why did you come to that conclusion?

408
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:07,480
Just substituting what or how.

409
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:08,800
Well, that's good.

410
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,440
Gives the, you can ask the same question, a topic,

411
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,840
but somehow it gives it a much different feeling

412
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:17,520
than when you ask why.

413
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,840
Now, I'm not suggesting throw why away completely

414
00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,720
because here's something fascinating.

415
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:29,720
Judy, if I ask you, why did you think that,

416
00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:31,840
in other words, some situation apart from you,

417
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,920
why did you think that happened?

418
00:21:33,920 --> 00:21:36,080
You don't feel threatened at all.

419
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,880
It doesn't feel, or if I say, Judy, you know Sam,

420
00:21:39,880 --> 00:21:41,560
why do you think Sam did that?

421
00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,680
Again, Judy, you can use the why question

422
00:21:44,680 --> 00:21:47,960
about somebody else, but don't ask it directly.

423
00:21:47,960 --> 00:21:49,680
Like Judy, why did you do that?

424
00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:52,840
Instead, Judy, you come to that conclusion.

425
00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:54,840
Oh, I like it, yes.

426
00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:57,880
Just a simple, simple tip.

427
00:21:57,880 --> 00:22:00,600
Then, again, there's so many things we can learn

428
00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:05,120
from the Lord Jesus, but here's an idea from Jesus

429
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:07,160
on if you wanna get somebody talking.

430
00:22:08,040 --> 00:22:11,960
Instead of asking them what they think, say,

431
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:15,120
hey Judy, you know, on this topic,

432
00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:17,800
what are your coworkers saying?

433
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:21,600
What's your family, what are your friends saying about this?

434
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:26,280
And somehow, when we ask people to give us input

435
00:22:26,280 --> 00:22:29,080
on what people around them are thinking,

436
00:22:29,080 --> 00:22:31,280
they quickly respond.

437
00:22:31,280 --> 00:22:33,720
Yeah, because they can do that.

438
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:34,840
It's not personal.

439
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,760
Yeah, so I said, this comes from Jesus.

440
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,720
He's walking along with the disciples,

441
00:22:41,720 --> 00:22:44,160
he said, who do people say that I am?

442
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,880
Well, they quickly answer.

443
00:22:46,880 --> 00:22:50,720
Of course, he was setting them up for his next question.

444
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,720
They didn't know the next question was coming,

445
00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:56,520
but after they shared all what others were thinking,

446
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,920
he said, well, what about you?

447
00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:03,920
And so again, with anyone, ask them about others

448
00:23:04,880 --> 00:23:07,520
before you say, what do you think?

449
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:12,520
And it just, it primes the pump, it gets them talking.

450
00:23:13,040 --> 00:23:14,440
So good.

451
00:23:14,440 --> 00:23:17,440
And if you have any other great nuggets on listening,

452
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:18,520
I'm open to that,

453
00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:22,000
because it's such an important thing, is listening.

454
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:24,960
Most of us talk more than we listen.

455
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:29,960
And we especially often don't listen to what our kids say,

456
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:33,960
whether they're again, in the home or out of the home.

457
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,320
We think we know more than they do.

458
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:37,160
Yeah.

459
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:41,480
And we may know more experience in life,

460
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:45,200
but we don't know more about where they are

461
00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:48,800
and what they're thinking and feeling than we do.

462
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:51,760
We need to give them a chance to talk about it.

463
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,720
Absolutely, absolutely.

464
00:23:54,720 --> 00:23:58,480
All right, let's go along this line

465
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:01,920
with some principles for using good questions

466
00:24:01,920 --> 00:24:06,920
to have great conversations that are positive and uplifting

467
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:12,000
and also how important is the tone of voice

468
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,240
and certainly to listening to responses?

469
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:19,520
Well, Judy, as you said, just inflection.

470
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:24,280
I mean, we can ask an abrupt kind of question

471
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:28,320
and we can ask, Judy, I'm curious.

472
00:24:29,240 --> 00:24:31,360
What are your friends saying about this?

473
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:35,040
And then, what do you think?

474
00:24:35,040 --> 00:24:38,600
And just by inflection and silence and listening

475
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:43,600
and then appreciation, wow, Judy, that's really insightful.

476
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,560
I'd never thought about it that way.

477
00:24:49,120 --> 00:24:52,520
And we give some of that positive feedback.

478
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:55,920
It then invites more conversation.

479
00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,800
And again, as we said earlier,

480
00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:00,760
there aren't any magic bullets that, hey, if you just do this,

481
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:03,200
you immediately have a great conversation.

482
00:25:03,200 --> 00:25:06,400
Sometimes it takes asking and listening

483
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,240
and looking for things to do together

484
00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:14,320
and it takes time to build any relationship.

485
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:16,360
So there's that kind of thing.

486
00:25:16,360 --> 00:25:18,880
Another, I get this from a mother.

487
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:19,720
She said-

488
00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:21,000
I bet that's wise.

489
00:25:21,000 --> 00:25:21,960
Yeah, absolutely.

490
00:25:21,960 --> 00:25:24,680
She said, every day when my daughter came home from school,

491
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,480
I would ask, honey, how was school today?

492
00:25:27,480 --> 00:25:30,480
And she said, at best, I got a one-word answer.

493
00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:34,760
Good, okay, boring, end of conversation.

494
00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:36,280
And she thought one day,

495
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,480
I'm not satisfied with her answers,

496
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,400
but she thought if you want better answers,

497
00:25:41,400 --> 00:25:44,440
I guess you better ask better questions.

498
00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:46,200
And so she thought about it a while

499
00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:48,000
and when her daughter came home that day,

500
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:50,280
instead of how was school today, she said,

501
00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:53,040
honey, tell me about your day.

502
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:55,920
And she said, at first, I didn't know if she'd heard me

503
00:25:55,920 --> 00:25:58,320
because she was quiet for quite a while.

504
00:25:58,320 --> 00:25:59,840
But then she began to speak

505
00:25:59,840 --> 00:26:03,080
and she went on for 10 minutes telling me about her day.

506
00:26:03,080 --> 00:26:06,520
And the mother went, yes, on the inside.

507
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:07,960
A pillar question.

508
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:11,480
And the principle there is think through your question.

509
00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:14,480
Can your question be answered in one word?

510
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,840
If you can, that's the definition

511
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,560
of kind of a closed question.

512
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,320
Now sometimes, yeah, we wanna know that.

513
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,720
Did you lock the door?

514
00:26:23,720 --> 00:26:25,800
Yes, okay, good.

515
00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,040
There's not wrong to ask closed questions,

516
00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:32,960
but for conversation, we wanna ask open questions,

517
00:26:32,960 --> 00:26:36,800
questions that can't be answered with one word.

518
00:26:36,800 --> 00:26:38,800
And again, there may be times

519
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:40,880
that you still not get an answer,

520
00:26:40,880 --> 00:26:45,520
but asking the open question will always be better.

521
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:47,080
Another thing I got is,

522
00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:50,880
so often, Judy, with our grandkids,

523
00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:53,960
we've asked, what do you wanna be when you grow up?

524
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,680
And I'm not saying that's a bad question,

525
00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:57,800
but I read this once.

526
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,400
He said, instead of asking,

527
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:02,240
what do you wanna be when you grow up, ask this.

528
00:27:02,240 --> 00:27:05,480
What problems would you like to solve when you grow up?

529
00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:06,320
That's good.

530
00:27:06,320 --> 00:27:10,560
And I just thought, wow, that is a better question.

531
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,400
What problems would you like to solve?

532
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:17,320
And I think sometimes, again, in the midst of a child

533
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:21,440
who's really struggling with an issue, is a prodigal,

534
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:24,320
and we so focus so many conversations

535
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,960
just on what they're doing wrong.

536
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:28,440
Absolutely do.

537
00:27:28,440 --> 00:27:31,120
To set it aside and say,

538
00:27:32,520 --> 00:27:34,800
Joe, if you could accomplish

539
00:27:34,800 --> 00:27:38,440
only one miserable thing this year, what would it be?

540
00:27:39,760 --> 00:27:40,880
That's good.

541
00:27:40,880 --> 00:27:43,720
And let Joe talk about something

542
00:27:43,720 --> 00:27:46,240
he would like to accomplish.

543
00:27:46,240 --> 00:27:49,920
Or, you know, Sarah, of all the things you do well,

544
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:53,200
what do you see as your single greatest strength?

545
00:27:53,200 --> 00:27:55,480
What do you do at the very best?

546
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:59,720
Those are such wonderful, affirming questions.

547
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:03,640
And it doesn't even say, I think you're doing great.

548
00:28:03,640 --> 00:28:04,560
I think you're great.

549
00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:06,840
You don't have to put it in those terms.

550
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:11,640
You are letting them identify and have value

551
00:28:11,640 --> 00:28:14,840
in what they see about themselves.

552
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:16,280
Yeah.

553
00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:19,160
Then I got, this is a great question

554
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:20,760
for almost every situation.

555
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,400
It's a witnessing question, but it can be asked.

556
00:28:23,400 --> 00:28:27,720
And I got this from friends, John and Pam Strain.

557
00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:29,880
They call it their platinum question.

558
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:34,040
It is, I'm curious, assuming there is a God

559
00:28:34,040 --> 00:28:37,400
and you could ask God anything, what would you ask?

560
00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:41,720
And it starts a spiritual conversation.

561
00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:45,040
Judy, I shared that last summer in Milwaukee

562
00:28:45,040 --> 00:28:48,840
at our CRU conference, was a waitress.

563
00:28:48,840 --> 00:28:50,360
And she was busy.

564
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:51,640
I said, I have a question for you.

565
00:28:51,640 --> 00:28:52,480
I shared it.

566
00:28:52,480 --> 00:28:55,040
I said, now, you continue to serve people,

567
00:28:55,040 --> 00:28:57,960
but when you're ready, come back with an answer.

568
00:28:57,960 --> 00:28:59,280
But when she came back, she said,

569
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:01,320
I asked everybody in the kitchen.

570
00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:06,320
And, but asking again, a teen, a grandson, a granddaughter.

571
00:29:09,040 --> 00:29:11,320
And, you know, maybe you don't with them,

572
00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,320
maybe you don't have to do the assuming,

573
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:17,080
but if you could ask God anything, what would you ask?

574
00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:19,720
And knowing that he would answer.

575
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:22,640
Oh, another, one of my favorite questions is

576
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,840
from Chariots of Fire.

577
00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:27,560
Steve's favorite movie.

578
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:29,200
Yes, Eric Lytle.

579
00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,040
He made this statement.

580
00:29:31,040 --> 00:29:33,880
His sister, Jenny, thinks he's lost sight

581
00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:34,720
of the things of God.

582
00:29:34,720 --> 00:29:36,240
He's too focused on sports.

583
00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:40,040
He was an Olympic gold medal runner.

584
00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:42,680
And he's walking on the Scottish Hill side.

585
00:29:42,680 --> 00:29:44,760
He has this conversation with his sister

586
00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,120
and he says, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny,

587
00:29:47,120 --> 00:29:50,120
I believe that God made me for a purpose,

588
00:29:50,120 --> 00:29:51,880
but he also made me fast.

589
00:29:51,880 --> 00:29:54,840
And when I run, I feel his pleasure.

590
00:29:54,840 --> 00:29:57,680
And I love to ask people, what is it you're doing

591
00:29:57,680 --> 00:30:00,560
when you feel God's pleasure?

592
00:30:00,560 --> 00:30:01,760
Oh, beautiful.

593
00:30:01,760 --> 00:30:06,080
Again, asking a son or a daughter, a grandchild,

594
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:10,920
somebody struggling, you may be amazed that,

595
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,320
and you're focusing them back on the Lord,

596
00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:18,120
on God, and thinking, wow, God, my creator,

597
00:30:18,120 --> 00:30:21,960
what did he put within me that when I do this,

598
00:30:21,960 --> 00:30:24,040
I feel his pleasure?

599
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,000
And it's also one of those questions,

600
00:30:26,000 --> 00:30:27,680
some people have never thought about it.

601
00:30:27,680 --> 00:30:30,600
So it could well be that you're not going

602
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,280
to get an answer today.

603
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,760
And sometimes we have to say, hey, that's fine.

604
00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:37,240
Will you do me this favor?

605
00:30:37,240 --> 00:30:41,200
When you get that answer, will you share it with me?

606
00:30:41,200 --> 00:30:44,600
And don't be surprised if days later you get,

607
00:30:44,600 --> 00:30:47,520
you know, they say, hey, I've got the answer.

608
00:30:47,520 --> 00:30:51,040
And you don't say what, to what?

609
00:30:51,040 --> 00:30:53,200
You remember that you asked them a question.

610
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:56,120
You asked, you know, another question,

611
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,280
well, would you like to be in 10 years?

612
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:00,720
What are your dreams?

613
00:31:03,280 --> 00:31:06,120
And the 10 years, you know, stretches people,

614
00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,640
it's beyond their circumstances, it's thinking big.

615
00:31:10,640 --> 00:31:15,600
And then as they share all of that, how could I help?

616
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,000
How could I help?

617
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,880
I was recently with my 16 year old grandson.

618
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:25,880
And we actually had a two hour conversation.

619
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:29,440
I just thought, who gets to talk to a 16 year old

620
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:30,920
for two solid hours?

621
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,880
And it was both of us, it was conversation.

622
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:37,640
But I asked him what he was looking toward in the future

623
00:31:37,640 --> 00:31:40,240
and he told me, he says, well, I want to do this

624
00:31:40,240 --> 00:31:43,640
and then this and then this and, you know,

625
00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:48,120
so it was wonderful and to be able to affirm him in that.

626
00:31:48,120 --> 00:31:51,080
Judy, by any chance, was that the grandson that spoke

627
00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:52,240
at Steve's service?

628
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:53,400
Yes, it was.

629
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,520
I was so impressed.

630
00:31:55,520 --> 00:31:57,680
He did such a great job.

631
00:31:57,680 --> 00:31:59,600
He did such a great job.

632
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:00,440
Yeah.

633
00:32:02,240 --> 00:32:05,320
You know, another question, this one comes from Jesus

634
00:32:05,320 --> 00:32:07,600
and it's in a situation where we think,

635
00:32:07,600 --> 00:32:10,280
why did Jesus even have to ask?

636
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:12,440
Because it was so obvious.

637
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:14,680
He encounters on this one occasion,

638
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:18,520
this blind man who wants to see Jesus

639
00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:20,400
and when he gets into his presence,

640
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:23,400
instead of Jesus saying, oh, obviously you want to be

641
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,760
made to see, you want to be healed of your blindness,

642
00:32:26,760 --> 00:32:30,560
instead Jesus said, what do you want me to do for you?

643
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:33,400
And so there's sometimes, again, in conversations,

644
00:32:33,400 --> 00:32:36,320
people come and we think, okay,

645
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:39,160
yep, here's what Judy wants me to do.

646
00:32:39,160 --> 00:32:44,160
And in some cases, whether it's Judy or Bob or Tom or Sarah,

647
00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:46,480
they just wanted to be listened to.

648
00:32:47,520 --> 00:32:51,160
I don't want you to fix it, I just wanted you to listen.

649
00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:56,160
And then sometimes what we think they want us to do,

650
00:32:56,200 --> 00:32:59,720
if we just ask, we discover, oh,

651
00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:03,040
he actually wanted something completely different.

652
00:33:03,040 --> 00:33:07,360
And yes, I'm happy to do it, but the whole idea

653
00:33:07,360 --> 00:33:10,160
is don't presume you know the answer

654
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:13,120
to what you think might be obvious.

655
00:33:13,120 --> 00:33:17,080
Instead, what do you want me to do for you?

656
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:18,400
How can I help?

657
00:33:18,400 --> 00:33:21,480
But listen and wait for their response.

658
00:33:22,440 --> 00:33:25,560
Well, Judy, those are just some of the relationship

659
00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,800
building questions, I'm sure there's more.

660
00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:31,200
Let me give you just a couple of examples

661
00:33:31,200 --> 00:33:36,000
and kind of a quick answer of how you might respond.

662
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:41,000
So suppose your 15-year-old daughter is hanging out

663
00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:43,320
with some people you are concerned with.

664
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:47,440
She begins to be gone a lot,

665
00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,720
and you discover she's lied to you,

666
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:55,000
and you find out she's begun cutting herself.

667
00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:59,120
What would be a way a parent might approach that

668
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:02,560
that is normal, and what would be a better way?

669
00:34:05,240 --> 00:34:08,200
You know, Judy, first of all, I realize

670
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:10,080
these are real examples.

671
00:34:10,080 --> 00:34:11,640
These aren't just fictional.

672
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:12,480
That's right.

673
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:17,480
Yeah, there's people that encounter this.

674
00:34:17,480 --> 00:34:22,480
And you know, the way that probably won't work

675
00:34:24,880 --> 00:34:29,080
is immediately why in the world would you do this?

676
00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,120
It is the question we're asking on the inside.

677
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,760
Yes, that's what we're wondering, yes.

678
00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,720
What we're wondering.

679
00:34:38,720 --> 00:34:43,720
But if we back it up and we think,

680
00:34:43,760 --> 00:34:47,400
okay, no, I actually want to hopefully

681
00:34:47,400 --> 00:34:52,400
be part of redeeming here, what might I ask?

682
00:34:54,040 --> 00:34:56,440
And again, Judy, I don't have, like,

683
00:34:56,440 --> 00:34:57,680
here's the magic bullet.

684
00:34:57,680 --> 00:34:59,320
This will solve it all.

685
00:34:59,320 --> 00:35:00,160
No.

686
00:35:00,160 --> 00:35:08,160
But, honey, what have you been feeling?

687
00:35:09,000 --> 00:35:09,840
That's good.

688
00:35:12,720 --> 00:35:17,600
And again, it may not elicit an answer,

689
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:21,120
but you haven't immediately started with attacking.

690
00:35:22,200 --> 00:35:25,560
You know, help me understand what you're feeling.

691
00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:30,560
And you, again, silenced, give that, if you ask that,

692
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:35,560
give that more than the eight seconds before you jump in.

693
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,960
And sometimes there could be silence of a minute,

694
00:35:38,960 --> 00:35:42,520
and you're just comfortably listening.

695
00:35:42,520 --> 00:35:46,880
Because that son or daughter, grandchild or anyone

696
00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:48,960
may not be in touch with what they're feeling.

697
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:50,400
It may take them a while.

698
00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:53,280
They might not even be able to respond to that.

699
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:55,880
But it's a better question than why in the world

700
00:35:55,880 --> 00:35:57,960
did you do this kind of thing?

701
00:35:57,960 --> 00:35:59,720
That's really true.

702
00:35:59,720 --> 00:36:01,320
Judy, what would you ask?

703
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,120
What would I ask?

704
00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:07,720
I would ask something similar to that.

705
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:08,720
What are you feeling?

706
00:36:08,720 --> 00:36:12,840
I would ask them what's going on for you

707
00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,880
that pushes you to do that.

708
00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:15,720
Yeah.

709
00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:17,960
So that it's putting the blame not on them,

710
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:21,920
but on some circumstances, and it might be relationships,

711
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,640
or various things, rather than say you're hanging out

712
00:36:25,640 --> 00:36:26,960
with the wrong people.

713
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:30,240
And how in the world could you be cutting yourself,

714
00:36:30,240 --> 00:36:33,320
which is a question I ask in my mind all the time.

715
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:36,320
It's that, what is that about?

716
00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:41,320
But no, what's going on that's causing concern for you,

717
00:36:42,400 --> 00:36:43,840
or causing fear for you?

718
00:36:43,840 --> 00:36:44,680
I don't know.

719
00:36:44,680 --> 00:36:47,480
I'd have to think more and know more of the situation.

720
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:50,480
But you come in with, just like you said,

721
00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:54,200
not the direct question and not the accusation,

722
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:59,200
but the wanting to understand, and then stopping to listen.

723
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:03,320
So let me give you one more situation.

724
00:37:03,320 --> 00:37:06,640
This one is your 23-year-old son.

725
00:37:06,640 --> 00:37:08,680
So he's out of your home,

726
00:37:08,680 --> 00:37:11,920
and he's not being very responsible,

727
00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:16,160
only engages with the family mostly to ask for money,

728
00:37:16,160 --> 00:37:21,160
is apparently drinking, doing some drugs.

729
00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:25,200
And so you're very concerned for their right now,

730
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,520
and their safety, and health,

731
00:37:27,520 --> 00:37:30,760
but you're also concerned for their future.

732
00:37:30,760 --> 00:37:32,200
So same question.

733
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:34,720
What would be the typical way a parent

734
00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:36,840
might approach a conversation,

735
00:37:36,840 --> 00:37:40,200
and then what might be a better way

736
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,880
with some helpful questions?

737
00:37:42,880 --> 00:37:46,200
Again, I think the typical way is,

738
00:37:46,200 --> 00:37:47,920
what in the world are you doing?

739
00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:52,680
Why are you doing, man, you're making terrible decisions.

740
00:37:52,680 --> 00:37:55,080
Or why would you want to self-destruct?

741
00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,120
Why are you wanting to destroy your life?

742
00:37:58,120 --> 00:38:02,920
And we go after that.

743
00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:07,920
But again, I think, hey, how's life going?

744
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:10,360
What's giving you joy?

745
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,040
What's causing you to struggle at this point?

746
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:17,880
And again, seeking the relational questions.

747
00:38:17,880 --> 00:38:22,440
I would say in like 99.99% of the case,

748
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:26,320
they know the decisions and actions they're doing

749
00:38:26,320 --> 00:38:27,760
are disappointing to you.

750
00:38:27,760 --> 00:38:28,920
Yes, they know that.

751
00:38:28,920 --> 00:38:30,400
They know that.

752
00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:34,720
And they probably feel guilty.

753
00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:38,920
And again, if it's reached the point of addiction,

754
00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:42,840
there's addiction's whole power.

755
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:47,240
Even with people at some point where they say to themselves,

756
00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:48,960
man, I gotta get out of this.

757
00:38:48,960 --> 00:38:50,760
This is not life.

758
00:38:50,760 --> 00:38:52,960
This is not giving me life.

759
00:38:52,960 --> 00:38:56,040
And yet the addiction has such power.

760
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:59,680
And Judy, I don't have expertise there.

761
00:38:59,680 --> 00:39:03,560
I think you need expertise in overcoming addictions.

762
00:39:03,560 --> 00:39:07,320
But as a parent, just seeking to love,

763
00:39:07,320 --> 00:39:11,920
to listen, to understand, and what could I do to help?

764
00:39:11,920 --> 00:39:13,480
Yeah, that's good.

765
00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:17,560
Rather than telling them, here's what you need to do.

766
00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,520
It's what can I do to help?

767
00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:24,520
Judy, I'm sure you've taught the story of the prodigal son

768
00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:26,120
over and over and over.

769
00:39:26,120 --> 00:39:27,520
Over and over and over.

770
00:39:27,520 --> 00:39:29,040
My favorite story.

771
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:31,040
It's so powerful.

772
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,600
A couple of the principles that I've seen,

773
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:39,600
they're the obvious ones, is he didn't run after the sun.

774
00:39:40,800 --> 00:39:42,960
He didn't try to fix it from afar.

775
00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:48,880
He waited until the sun came to his senses.

776
00:39:48,920 --> 00:39:51,320
And of course, I love the part that while the sun

777
00:39:51,320 --> 00:39:54,040
was still a far distance off, he saw him.

778
00:39:54,920 --> 00:39:57,760
Brings tears to my eyes every time.

779
00:39:57,760 --> 00:40:01,640
He ran and embraced him and welcomed him home.

780
00:40:01,640 --> 00:40:03,880
And when the sun started his speech,

781
00:40:05,240 --> 00:40:08,480
no, no, no, he was welcomed home.

782
00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:14,320
And one of the things that I pray has been true in my life

783
00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:17,880
and want to continue to be true,

784
00:40:18,560 --> 00:40:23,560
is to trust my kids, to trust my grandkids,

785
00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:28,080
to err in trust versus err in judgment.

786
00:40:28,080 --> 00:40:31,600
Ultimately, I know each one of us has free will.

787
00:40:31,600 --> 00:40:35,080
Each one of us is responsible before the Lord.

788
00:40:36,800 --> 00:40:39,120
But let the Lord do his work.

789
00:40:40,120 --> 00:40:43,040
He loved them first.

790
00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:44,560
He loves them most.

791
00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:45,400
And the most.

792
00:40:45,400 --> 00:40:46,560
The most.

793
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:48,080
He died for them.

794
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,920
And of course, I'm also fond, Judy,

795
00:40:51,920 --> 00:40:53,160
I'm sure you do this too.

796
00:40:53,160 --> 00:40:56,280
I remind parents that no child

797
00:40:56,280 --> 00:41:01,280
can outrun the prayers of their parents or grandparents.

798
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:02,120
That's right.

799
00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:04,160
Of how far they run.

800
00:41:04,160 --> 00:41:09,160
And to realize that the last chapter's not been written.

801
00:41:11,560 --> 00:41:16,560
And I'm not suggesting that every great leader

802
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:18,680
needs to have been a prodigal at some point,

803
00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:22,400
but there are a lot of stories of leaders

804
00:41:22,400 --> 00:41:24,080
who once were prodigals.

805
00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:27,080
God turned their lives around.

806
00:41:27,080 --> 00:41:30,520
And he can do that for your son or daughter or grandchild

807
00:41:30,520 --> 00:41:34,520
or friend's son or daughter, whatever the situation is.

808
00:41:36,040 --> 00:41:37,600
This is great, Rob.

809
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,360
I would love to keep talking,

810
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:41,800
but probably we come to the end.

811
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:46,800
And I am really, really grateful for this very helpful,

812
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:51,160
practical, real life input.

813
00:41:51,160 --> 00:41:54,240
So I'd just ask you one last question.

814
00:41:54,240 --> 00:41:56,960
Of your numerous books,

815
00:41:56,960 --> 00:41:59,560
for people who love a prodigal,

816
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:01,400
what book would you recommend

817
00:42:01,400 --> 00:42:03,560
that could be the most helpful to them?

818
00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:06,360
Well, I have two thoughts there.

819
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:10,000
If you go to my blog, leadingwithquestions.com,

820
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,040
and in the search place,

821
00:42:12,040 --> 00:42:15,760
just type in children or grandchildren,

822
00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,640
you'll find numerous blog posts

823
00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:19,920
written by others, guests, parents,

824
00:42:19,920 --> 00:42:21,600
written by others, guest posts

825
00:42:21,600 --> 00:42:25,000
that share many practical questions.

826
00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:28,920
The second thing is if you go to leadingwithquestions.com

827
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,360
on the top is the word books.

828
00:42:31,360 --> 00:42:36,120
And I have five free, absolutely free e-books.

829
00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:37,800
And the first one I wrote, though,

830
00:42:37,800 --> 00:42:40,520
was Great Leaders Ask Questions.

831
00:42:40,520 --> 00:42:43,200
I also recorded the audio book.

832
00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:45,040
And while it's a leadership book,

833
00:42:45,040 --> 00:42:47,680
it is in so many practical ways,

834
00:42:47,680 --> 00:42:51,440
ways to build relationship with anyone.

835
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:52,680
And it's an easy read.

836
00:42:52,680 --> 00:42:54,800
You can read this one in 45 minutes.

837
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,440
You can listen to me, probably a little bit longer.

838
00:42:57,440 --> 00:43:00,560
I speak a little slower than you can read.

839
00:43:00,560 --> 00:43:03,600
But again, if you're driving in the car,

840
00:43:03,600 --> 00:43:06,800
doing something else, working in the kitchen,

841
00:43:06,800 --> 00:43:09,120
you can absorb the book that way.

842
00:43:09,120 --> 00:43:10,280
And again, they're free.

843
00:43:10,280 --> 00:43:11,640
But I'd recommend starting

844
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:14,240
with Great Leaders Ask Questions.

845
00:43:14,240 --> 00:43:16,440
Another book that I think you would love

846
00:43:16,440 --> 00:43:19,240
is now, that's a great question,

847
00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:22,160
both of them free e-books.

848
00:43:22,160 --> 00:43:24,200
Fantastic.

849
00:43:24,200 --> 00:43:26,560
Okay, thank you, thank you, Bob.

850
00:43:26,560 --> 00:43:29,320
I'm gonna put links to Bob's website

851
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:32,280
and books in the show notes.

852
00:43:32,280 --> 00:43:34,880
So be sure and check for that.

853
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:38,600
And to my listeners, I just really encourage you

854
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:43,200
to look for ways to put this into practice

855
00:43:43,200 --> 00:43:47,840
and to ask the questions that open things up

856
00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:51,360
and give your loved one a chance to respond.

857
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:53,760
And then listen, listen.

858
00:43:53,760 --> 00:43:55,880
Don't just jump right back in

859
00:43:55,880 --> 00:43:58,400
and telling them where they're wrong.

860
00:43:58,400 --> 00:44:02,160
And, because their answer may be wrong in a sense,

861
00:44:02,160 --> 00:44:06,440
but just keep loving and listening

862
00:44:06,440 --> 00:44:09,520
and asking better questions.

863
00:44:09,520 --> 00:44:13,480
And I think you'll find you're on a good path

864
00:44:13,480 --> 00:44:17,800
to a good relationship and hopefully soon,

865
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:21,640
a restoration with your loved one.

866
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:23,960
Thank you, thank you for, Bob.

867
00:44:23,960 --> 00:44:26,920
I'm so grateful for your being available.

868
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:31,920
And may God continue to use you to touch many lives

869
00:44:32,040 --> 00:44:36,960
as you open people's minds of new ways to communicate

870
00:44:36,960 --> 00:44:40,040
and to listen and hear.

871
00:44:40,040 --> 00:44:41,840
So thank you.

872
00:44:42,920 --> 00:44:43,880
Thanks so much.

873
00:44:43,880 --> 00:45:06,880
And to my listeners, God bless you.