Entering the Wilderness (episode 3)

0:00 Do you love a prodigal? Do you feel like you are lost in a scary and endless wilderness? Welcome to the When You Love a Prodigal podcast. I am Judy Douglass and I spent more than 15 years in that wilderness. I believe together we will discover help and hope for your journey. Hi, welcome back to the When You Love a Prodigal podcast. I am so glad that you are here. Last week I introduced you to our son Josh, who God sent to us as a very special gift.

0:43 And today we're going to get into more of the details of the prodigal wilderness that Josh took us through over about 15 rather challenging years. He was with us as a foster child for three years, as we talked about last week, and then we were asked if we would adopt him. And we had a little family talk about it and decided, yes, God was saying, again, I have sent Josh to you as a gift, not just for three years, but for life. And so we said yes. And Josh, who also at 12 years old by now, had a say in it, said, I don't see any other better options. So I'll say yes. And so I like to say we all said I do.

1:35 And we became one family. I was sure that Josh would feel secure, not abandoned, that we really did love him, and we were committed to him when we adopted him. And so that maybe some of the turmoil of the first three years would disappear because he was secure and confident in our commitment to him. Not so. That's not the way it happened. Because Josh was now going into middle school. Mind you, he was almost 13. He's a big boy. And so he's going in and he's towering over the sixth grade boys that he's in class with. And he found that being big had great advantages. You might translate that into bully.

2:28 He found out he could get lunch money from the little kids. He could get other things he wanted from the little kids. And that became something of an issue. Also, the residuals from his mother's drugs and alcohol while she was carrying him, the fetal alcohol syndrome that had contributed to his ADD and his learning disability, and then the abandonment issues contributing to his sense of needing to be at the center of attention all the time, made him really difficult to have in a classroom with 25 other kids. And so each teacher would find after a while she couldn't teach if he was in the room.

3:13 And so he ended up spending in his middle school time, much of his classroom time was in an alternative classroom, which he thought was normal. We did a little math. How many kids in your school? Oh, about 1200. And how many kids are in alternative classrooms when you're there? He says, I don't know, four or five, maybe up to ten. He says, that's not exactly everyone in school. And he says, oh, I guess it isn't, is it? Now, we really worked hard to help him have some good experiences in his life that would help him move beyond the struggles that he had had.

3:57 So we went to church and he was in the youth group. He was on a soccer team, both at school and in the community. I played goalie most of the time when he was in soccer. But he also, when they were really playing a big tough team, they'd put him out in the field and his job was to be the enforcer. And so any of the kids that were giving their team a hard time, he was responsible to kind of let them know they couldn't get away with it. On the bus, Josh also had problems. He managed to cause fights and get other kids involved in negative behavior.

4:40 And so finally the bus driver said, I'm not going to put up with this. He is not welcome on my bus anymore. And then as he's searching for a sense of family and community in school, he ends up joining a gang. Now, we sort of found out about this accidentally, but he joined a gang and his principal hadn't even known that. Speaking of his principal, I got to know a lot of people at the school. I was used to at the school getting a call from my daughters who tended to do well. Would you like to come see Debbie get this award or Michelle to do this performance? And Josh, I would get calls from the teachers and the counselor and the vice principal.

5:30 And finally I became friends with the principal. And then one day when he was in seventh grade, the principal said, we can't have this anymore. If there's one more incident with Josh, we're going to not let him be back in this school. And so we were afraid. What are we going to do with him now? Because everything we'd tried, we'd done counseling, we had him with other friends who were positive in his life. Various things, sent him to a camp. Wonderful ways for him to find that it was possible to make some good choices for your life.

6:12 And they had nothing had worked. And so what do we do? And God was so kind to lead us to a local in Orlando program, residential program called House of Hope. At the time it had been a girls program for many years and they were just opening a brand new boys program. And so Josh was the second boy in the House of Hope. Now here's what happened at House of Hope. They did have some fun because people would take them out to their boats and go out boating. Or take them to see the magic play. And there were other fun things that they got to do.

6:55 But mostly their life was pretty regimented and they had a lot of rules. Now previously I mentioned that Josh had, because of his mother's drugs and alcohol, when she was carrying him, fetal alcohol syndrome, which prevents in the formation of her brain and the baby the cause and effect reasoning. So they have, I would say a thousand rules. That's probably an exaggeration. But a lot of rules so that they're sure to break them. And sure enough Josh was able to break the rules regularly. Some of them were very small and petty. Others were big and significant.

7:36 But what that gave him was this repetitive figuring out, oh if I do this, this is what is the consequence or result. He began to build in his brain the pathways for cause and effect reasoning, which was a wonderful thing that was happening. Spiritually he was being loved. He was hearing the word of God. He was participating in worship. They did a program every year where they had to sing. And it was wonderful spiritual input into his life for the year and a half that he was at House of Hope. They provided counseling. They provided school. And they did something wonderful for us.

8:20 Because you see Josh had so protected himself with this wall around him not to be abandoned again. That we could hardly get in even after adopting him. But they made us come and be there with him sitting looking at each other or going for a walk together. And we had to begin to talk. And so we asked questions that at home he wouldn't have paid any attention to. But we were able to help draw him out more and enter into his life more. And so a relationship began to develop. And I'm really grateful for that part of House of Hope for sure.

9:08 I will say this that Josh, like most of them over time, learned how to work the program. Because they are given chance when they prove themselves at one level, they go to the next level, which gives them a little more freedom or a little more personal responsibility. And so then they began quickly to do what they knew they needed to so that they could get out. But they weren't necessarily absorbing it into their real life and heart and mind. But he worked the program pretty well. And he learned how to make good choices. But here's the best thing that happened at House of Hope.

9:51 On June 2nd, when he was 14 years old, Josh met Jesus. His house dad, Mike, called. And he said, Josh just received Christ. And he was so excited that we baptized him in the lake right there where the boy's house at House of Hope was. Of course, the next day they saw this 10-foot alligator right there where they baptized Josh. Glad that he was somewhere else that day. But it was real for Josh. He was seriously committing his life to the Lord and wanting to grow, wanting to make better choices for his life.

10:35 And so he graduated from the program. He was 15. And a number of great things happened. One, Mike, his house dad, was now working for Youth for Christ. And he was a junior counselor at a wilderness camp. And he asked Josh to come and be a junior counselor. And so Josh actually had responsibility for some younger boys to be a good model and really reach out to them. And that was a great experience. He caught up with school. I home-schooled him that next semester. He went to youth group. And then, and then he begged. He said, please, may I go to school?

11:20 I don't want to be at home all the time. I want to be with the other kids. So after prayer and conversation and setting the boundaries, we said yes. And Josh went back to school. At this time, he's 16 years old. He's just going into ninth grade. And his grandparents had kindly given him a car. And he had a driver's license. And so he started off well. The school was cooperating and letting us know how he was doing. But about three weeks in, he kind of got back with old friends, back with gang friends.

12:02 And that began to lead to a lot of things that happened over the next four years. He did come home after that semester because he only passed typing and weightlifting. And so I home-schooled him the rest of the time. But he had those friends and they would come get him or he would come go and get them. And they were gang friends. And the things that really became true was lots of alcohol, drugs, cars, girls, stealing, lying. At one point, he and my husband had a little interaction.

12:47 Josh had had his wisdom teeth out and he was in pain. So he took his pain medication and decided he wanted to take more. So he took it all. And he was higher than you can imagine. He packed up a bag, came down the stairs and says, I'm leaving. And we took one look at him and my husband said, you can't go anywhere right now. He says, out of my way, I'm leaving. And so he left, went back in the house and went and got a hammer. And as he came back out, he stopped at the phone and he called 911 and said somebody's about to get hurt.

13:27 And he hung up. Well, they traced where it was and sent some officers. And he went outside and Josh, my husband, Steve, is standing in front of the car with a baseball bat that Josh's friend had handed him. Josh comes up with a hammer raised like he's going to try and hit my husband. And then he doesn't do it. And instead, he unbelievably started hitting on his very most precious car all over and putting holes in the car. And then the police came and Josh ran and they chased him down. And they took him to juvenile detention where he spent several days waiting for a hearing.

14:14 It was the story I told in the episode zero, the trailer for this podcast. And after it was over and he went to a hearing, they really didn't want to do much with him, but they said they would have a trial for him. And we could just take him home. And my husband said, well, we're his parents and we love him, but we're also the victims here. And the judge said, of course, of course. So they put him in Boys Town for three weeks, which was a very wonderful experience. He learned to work the program well, well enough that every week he was the star resident in that program.

14:56 Those are just some of the things that happened in the 15 years because then he's moving into his 20s. He finishes high school finally at age 20 and nothing has really changed much. He would have times when he would spend time with people who were positive in his life and he would choose to make good decisions. And he would say, I really want to walk with God. But then something would upset him or old friends enter his life and and he's back on the wilderness journey again. One of the things that drove us a little crazy was that he was allergic to work. He just he would work a little and then he would manage to slough off and not get much done.

15:41 My husband's a pretty hardworking person and it was really hard for him to watch Josh not work. So that was a concern to us. How will he ever make it in life? He started dating a young woman and eventually they got married. And that lasted actually a number of years, but it was always a difficult time together. A difficult marriage because they were doing drugs and alcohol. Josh told me at one point he says, I think maybe we were drunk or high for our whole marriage.

16:22 Anyway, they ended up getting a divorce and then he was regretting the divorce and one night he called me up. And he said, just pray I go to heaven and he hung up and I went, oh no, no, no. So I tried calling him back and he he didn't answer. So I called his best friend and I said, can you get him to not take his life and have him contact me? And so eventually Josh texted me so he hadn't taken his life yet. And we talked, texted back and forth for an hour and finally he put his gun down that he had in his head to take his life.

17:07 And he came home instead or went to his home. That was not the only time that I talked him out of taking his life. Then a major turning point happened in Josh's life. He was like 29 by the side. The 20s were a blur. His grandfather, his beloved grandfather, who was the only man in his life in his young childhood and who still was a model to him, became very ill and was dying. And Josh could hardly stand to think of his grandfather dying. He says, what will I do without papa?

17:49 And Steve and I were concerned that he would take his life for sure when papa died. But he didn't. Instead he said, I'm going to make papa proud. I'm going to be the kind of man that he'll be proud of and I'm going to take care of my grandmother. And that was a turning point in Josh's life. And though he still struggled with some things, he had this desire that he wanted to make good choices. He wanted to follow the Lord in where he would take him. And he began to make better decisions. He began to be a hard worker.

18:30 It was pretty miraculous. And then he met Leslie, to whom he's been married for over six years now. And she also has been a sturdy, steady person in his life. When he was walking through the concerns for his grandfather, she says, I'll hang with you on this. But then just before they were getting married, she said, she had a at that time 12 year old daughter. And she says, I can't bring her into this marriage because you drink. He says, there's nothing wrong with drinking. She says, well, for you, there is.

19:11 He says, I can have a few beers. And she said, no, I thought you could, but I see you can't. So if you want us to get married, you're going to have to quit drinking. And he did. And as far as I know, he's been sober for over seven years now. And it's made all the difference in the world and his life to not be drinking. And there's lots more story that you will hear over the weeks ahead. As we talk about the lessons that I learned and the things that God showed me in this prodigal wilderness walk, that I hope will encourage you and give you help and give you hope for the prodigal that you love.

20:00 Thanks for listening. Next week, we're going to begin to define what a prodigal is and understand why people might become a prodigal and begin to look at what the word of God says and will have in the future some professionals who will come in and help. We have a lot of help ahead and a lot of hope ahead. God bless you. Be sure to tell your friends so they can listen to.