God’s Mercy Rule, episode 98 (rebroadcast)

0:00 If you love a prodigal, you can discover Help and Hope for your wilderness journey right here at When You Love a Prodigal podcast and also Help and Hope for your own life journey. In kids sports, there is often a mercy rule. All of my children played sports and I got used to it. If one team would get far ahead, the game would usually be called. It seems only kind and fair to not embarrass or demoralize these kids who are losing so badly. So sometimes it was if you got to seven points or if you got to ten points, then they called the game rather than drive it up to twenty.

0:45 Doesn't always happen. In life, it rarely happens. There is no mercy rule. No rescue from your losses, your hurts, your failures. But in God's kingdom, there is definitely a mercy rule. Jesus is the one who instituted it for us. One word describes it. The word is forgive. Just as in the first of the mercy lessons that we looked at when the Amish people forgave the young man and his family, the young man who murdered their children, it was God's mercy rule.

1:31 As he walked on earth, he mentioned it repeatedly. Here are just a few instances of what Jesus had to say. But go and learn what this means. I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners. Says also in Matthew, all these are from Matthew, I think. If you had known what these words mean, I desire mercy, not sacrifice. You would not have condemned the innocent. And another, shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?

2:15 And then he says to the teachers of the law and the Pharisees, woe to you, you hypocrites. You give a tenth of your spices, your mint and dill and cumin, but you have neglected the more important matters of the law, justice, mercy, and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter without neglecting the former. And then Peter came to Jesus and said, Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Maybe seven times even? Jesus answered, I tell you not seven times, but 77 times.

2:59 That's a pretty big difference. But Jesus didn't just talk about mercy and forgiveness, even as he was hanging on the cross to deliver mercy and purchase forgiveness. He looked at those who were torturing him and said these amazing words. Father, forgive them for they don't know what they're doing. There he is, miserable on the cross, about to be separated from the Father as he carries all the sins of the world. And he looks at the people who are killing him and says, Father, forgive them. He gives mercy.

3:40 We have the genuine model for how we relate to people, treat people, respond to them, extend mercy and choose to forgive. But I know many of you, especially if you've been listening to now four podcasts on mercy are saying, but how will they learn discipline and responsibility? How will they learn to make right choices? Don't they need consequences? Absolutely essential. But how you do it can make all the difference. If you can go about having a conversation calmly, engage them, just talk about it, affirm your love for them and your desire for them to become a responsible, well-functioning adult.

4:36 Ask for their input on what would help them move in that direction. If they get to have a say in this conversation, they're much more likely to live by it. Outline your desires and needs going forward. They will be more likely to follow through if they're involved in making these decisions. You need to seek to maintain relationship above everything. You don't want to lose the relationship because then they may be gone for good and give mercy and grace. Yesterday, well, when I wrote this, I received an email from a friend whose prodigal son had abused her gracious and loving efforts to help him make better choices, to show respect, to become responsible, and hopefully to surrender to our God.

5:31 What do we do? This mother asked. Her situation may be very different from yours. She has someone who was old enough to be on his own, but not old enough that he'd become a functioning adult, really. Hopefully the principles behind these suggestions that I gave her will help you with your loved one. Perhaps what I wrote to her will be helpful to you. So here's what I wrote to her. Dear Anna, not a real name, I am sorry for the continuing conflict and disrespect that you're having from your son.

6:12 Yes, it's time for boundaries, expectations, and consequences, defined clearly with a timeline. I would suggest coming up with a list of minimum requirements if he wants to continue to live at home. Minimum doesn't necessarily mean few, but the minimum efforts at respect and contribution. Perhaps he pays some rent. He does some chores. In other words, he makes contributions to the home and the family. He becomes a contributing member. That's appropriate.

6:53 Be specific in your expectations. We were very specific with our son and said that if he wanted to stay there, he would not be bringing into our home drugs, alcohol, or having sex with his latest girlfriend. That's a month or two timeline. Depends on the situation. He will not do it perfectly, so you have to have some grace and mercy. But he must make an honest effort and move forward consistently doing his part. If he has made good progress with a decent attitude, you might give him, say, another month before you make a decision if he's really getting there and making the right decisions.

7:42 You might up your requirements for him or at least look for real consistency, not perfection. Probably you don't please God perfectly, but consistency in his efforts to follow through. You can present it ready for this and a conversation full of love and grace. It reminds him that one, he must be a contributing part of the family to live there and he must move toward learning to be a responsible adult. You can tell him you've been glad to help him in this time of transition to adulthood, but it is time for him to become that responsible adult.

8:28 That can happen while he continues to live at your home. If he can do so as a contributing family member and demonstrating increasing personal responsibility and ownership of his life. Then, if he does not agree, it is his choice to move out, not your choice to, quote, kick him out. Or if over the month or two you give for him to make significant progress and he does not, it is his choice, not your choice, that he move on. If he leaves immediately or after failure to progress as a contributing family member, you must assure him of your love and acceptance and great desire for continued family relationship.

9:17 He's welcome to come over and visit. He is desired at family and holiday events, but be prepared ready, be prepared to not hear from him for a while. He will be angry and want to blame you, not take responsibility himself. And when you do hear from him, he might have his hand out because he's desperate for some money. Sometimes, you may choose to give it to him for something that's a true specific need, but not on a regular basis and maybe not at all. Your prodigal is most likely a capable person. You can rightfully make reasonable requirements of them.

9:59 If he or she has some realities that affect their ability to make good choices, you might have to have some adjusted requirements and expectations, and there's professional help available to do that. I hope these thoughts are helpful. I think grace is paramount, but it is not grace to let him remain irresponsible and dependent. It is grace to help him move toward becoming a responsible person, but always, always with assurances of your love and desire for relationship. I am praying for you, my friend. I ended the letter to her.

10:42 And I'm praying for all of us who love a prodigal that God will give us his grace and wisdom as we seek to woo these wanderers back to him and to us, grateful, grateful, so grateful for the mercy that God has given so generously to us and to our loved ones. And again, he wants it to flow through us, that they receive mercy from us, that we follow God's mercy rule. Questions for you. Even have you been grateful that God gave you mercy rather than what you deserved?

11:26 Can you consider when you can do the same for your prodigal? Next week, we will begin with episode 99, a two-week celebration for our hundredth episode. I hope you'll invite a friend to listen with you. Thanks so much. God bless you.