He’ll Be the Death of Me (episode 51)

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If you love a prodigal, you can discover, help, and hope for your wilderness journey

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right here at the When You Love a Prodigal podcast. And also help and hope

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for your own life journey. So welcome to our podcast, Season Two. If you have been

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a listener, I hope you heard the finale of Season One, a conversation with my son

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Josh, our former prodigal. It was honest and hard and tender. We received so many

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wonderful comments. It's not too late to listen to it. Just go to our podcast, any

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podcast platform, and look for it. It's episode 50. And if this is your first

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time to listen, please keep coming. We have so many things to talk about and

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people to learn from, all to give us some help and hope on this prodigal journey.

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If you want to know how this story came about, because you're new and don't know,

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you can go back to the very beginning, to episodes like one to three, and listen

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to those and you'll get the background, which will help you understand probably.

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Now to open a new season, I'm going to share with you some of the important ways

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I have learned to survive a prodigal, and especially to love them and keep a

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relationship with them. This will also be sort of an introduction to a series of

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question and answer sessions that we will have occasionally over the next

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few months. Two years ago, I did a message on transforming treasures from a

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prodigal wilderness. I listened to it again to prepare for this episode and I

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thought, why should I try and write something new? I love the way that one

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turned out. And so today for this episode, I'm going to let you listen to a portion

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of that message that I gave. As you listen, again, to transforming treasures

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that you will gain from your prodigal wilderness, as you listen be sure to jot

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down your thoughts that you want to apply in your relationship with your

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prodigal. First thing I want to talk about is some lessons I learned about

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what actually will help to bring the loved one back. A lot of times we're told

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that you should have tough love, and I'm going to explain what you should have,

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but tough love just says resistance, push away, and they feel rejected. And so

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it often stops the thing that's most important, and that is maintaining

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relationship. Doesn't mean it's always a good and easy relationship, but you don't

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let their angry words be met with your angry words, or their wrong behavior be

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met with such things that push them out, and that we act more like the father in

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the prodigal son story who let his son go. But when he's watching for him and he

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sees him coming, he just picks his robes up and runs to greet him, and his son's

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trying to, he's trying to say, I'm sorry, I apologize, just let me be a servant. And

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the father says, oh my son who was lost is found, and he's back. Here, put my robe

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on, take my sandals, let's have a party. And that's how God feels about us. Every

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time we wander in any way and we come back, God's saying, I'm so excited that

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you're back. And it's how he feels about our loved ones as well. And so let me

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just quickly go over several things there and then get into what is the most

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exciting part. First of all, you do need boundaries. I just would not call them

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tough love. You need to have understanding of what's acceptable in

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your family to respect for each other and how we treat people in our family and

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how we take care of our home and how we represent when we're out in the

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community. And those kind of, and then as they get older, and they would like to

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come back and live because you know, they're out of a job, then can they come

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back? Well, we let Josh come back several times, but there were always some

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understanding. These are the boundaries for living in our home. This is

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acceptable and expected. This is not acceptable and won't be allowed. And then

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when he broke them repeatedly and we said, well, looks like you're choosing

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to move out. He says, you're kicking me out. No, no, we are glad for you to be

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here, but you can't seem to be able to live by our agreed upon boundaries. And

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agreed, and the consequence that we agreed on was that you would not stay

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there. And so that's an important part, but even more important than

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understanding that we have the boundaries and the consequences clearly

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defined. So it's not a surprise that, sorry, this is happening to you, but it's

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the way we do it. I'm just going to mention three ways that we do it. The

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first is with love. Our God lavishes love on us always and forever. Says the

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Lord appeared to us, Jeremiah tells us in the past saying, I have loved you

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with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with loving kindness. And God calls

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on us to do that. And we'll talk more about that later. But he says when God

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put his love on the line, this is from the message for us by offering his son

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in sacrificial death until death, while we were of no use for him whatsoever.

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Now, there are plenty of times when our prodigal hours and raptures will do

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and say things. It's like you just, you don't even want to see them right now.

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But God says, even when you were like that, doing the worst, not doing

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anything I wanted, you come and I'm going to give you the love that I have

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for you. He tells us this amazing thing. He says, you are able to love with my

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love because I have loved you and poured my love into you. He told me that one

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night when I was having a really hard time with Josh. And he says, Judy, let

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me show you. I've given you my love for this boy. I told you I was sending him

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to you and I have given you my love. And therefore you have it for this boy.

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Wow, it worked. It helped. It wasn't always perfect for me. But I mean, I

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wasn't at receiving it. He will enable us to love even when they all say

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they're famous. I hate you, which they do often, or just do the things that are

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disrespectful. And a second thing to give is mercy. Our God loves mercy.

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His faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is

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his faithfulness. His mercies began afresh every morning. He tells us that

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mercy triumphs over judgment. He says, how much have I forgiven you?

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Yeah, a lot. He says, think you can forgive them? Yeah, they're going to do

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things that need forgiveness. But can you forgive? Even though there might be

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consequences, you can still forgive. If you're keeping a track of them all,

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then that's not probably forgiven. Steve would say he would get so frustrated

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with Josh sometimes in the ways that the things that Josh would do or the

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ways he spoke to me sometimes. And Steve would just, especially when he

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wouldn't work, Josh, Steve called him the most creative work of order he'd

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ever seen. And he just avoided work. We watched him watch his friends fix his

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car. He didn't have a raise a hand to help. And that just really bothered

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Steve. And every time Steve would start thinking, you're just a no good

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nothing, and the Lord would say, Steve? And he would say, oh Lord. So he

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says, as much as there might be this much difference between me and Josh,

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she said, the gap between me and the Lord is so much greater. And God has

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forgiven me. How can I not give mercy to this boy, our son? And then grace.

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As we live in his grace, we're rescued by his mercy, as we live in his love

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and are rescued by his mercy. Then he will give us the grace to us to do it

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and then to extend it to our loved ones. What is that? It's basically an

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undeserved gift from God. It's what God wants to give us, plus even more than

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he could give us, that he has to in a sense. He is the gift of God. And

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he is able to make all grace abound to you so that in all things, at all time,

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having all that you need, you will abound at every good work. He says,

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give grace. So one of the things God said to me early in this journey was

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when you make mistakes with this boy, and you will, and I did, he says,

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make them on the side of grace. And that's not always easy. And it's also

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not acceptable to some people. They tell me I'm wrong. But I want to read

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just a little bit from our chapter on grace in this book. It's called The

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Voice of Grace, because the way we most often are ungracious to those we love

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is by our mouths, by the way we speak to them. And so I just want to read you a

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few things here. That's disgraceful. You are so ungrateful. Those phrases

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contain a word with the Latin root for grace, or lack of it in this case. They

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mean without grace. And they are words that any of us might have said to our

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Prodigals, because they would have been true. But God tells us, your lips have

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been anointed with grace, since God has blessed you forever. He says, let your

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conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know

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how to answer everyone. I'm going to give you just a real quick little way to

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watch the voice that you use with your loved one. Practical approaches. Wait.

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Count to 10, or 20, or whatever you need before you speak. Moderate. Speak

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slowly, calmly, gently, and firmly. Think. Will these words add fuel to the fire?

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Consider. Would you like someone to speak such words to you in that tone of voice?

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Recognize. This is really important. The words you speak today may be part of

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your relationship with your Prodigal for all the years to come. It sticks in

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their minds. Realize your tone of voice can turn neutral words into destructive

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words. And remember, remember this, you love this person. Most of all, pray.

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Stop before you speak and talk to the Lord. So, good boundaries and defined

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consequences. Love, mercy, and grace. So what's in it for you? Did you know there

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are amazing gifts? Now, probably when you're looking for gifts, you don't go

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out in the wilderness and pick up something. You might get a snake or, you

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know, one of those lizards that has poisonous or something like that around

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where I live in Florida. But God has gifts for us in the wilderness. And I'm

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just going to name four of them, but they're good gifts. 1 John 3, 18 says,

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Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in

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truth. And he reminds us again, he gave us love when we didn't deserve it.

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There's a whole chapter on love in my book. One section of it talks about the

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things that love does. Love speaks truth. It's all about truth. Love gives mercy.

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Love gives grace. We've talked about those things. Love gives honor. It's all

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too often that the words we use with our prodigals aren't honoring. We love to,

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or at least we find ourselves pointing out everything they did wrong and how

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they're, you know, not making a good life for themselves. And that may be true.

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But it also, we need to learn to honor. One of the things my son said, he said,

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one of the things my son said, you need to be firm with your prodigal, but you

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also need to affirm in any way you possibly can. But here's one that I love.

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It says we're to bless them. And sometimes there's nothing in you that

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wants to give blessing to that person who's, who's caused a lot of pain. One

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day when Josh had done something really that made me more than annoyed, he was

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gone. And I said, all right, Lord, I'm going to bless it. Now, one of the chores

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my kids have was to do their own laundry. So I went up to Josh's room, found as

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many of his dirty clothes as I could, and took them down to wash them for him. And

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as I put every piece of laundry into the washing machine, I said, I bless you,

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Josh. I bless you, Josh. I bless you, Josh. Now, I don't know that he felt blessed

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by any of that, but he was because God took my word for it to bless him. And it

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changed me a whole lot to be able to turn my anger into blessing toward my son.

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On love, this was an incredibly important lesson I learned. One of the things that

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happened along the way was that I fell in love with this boy. I really went from

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being a good mom taking care of the kid God had trusted to us to being in love

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with my son. I remember the day he was born in my heart as my son. And I really

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cared for him. And I kept saying, Lord, you know, maybe he could at least sign a

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card for my birthday or Mother's Day love, Josh. No, he couldn't do that because

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to him to love me was a betrayal of his birth mom. And he just, he couldn't do it.

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She was his mother and he loved her. And so that was understandable. And I said,

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can't that change? God didn't exactly answer that, but he did say, Judy, don't

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you understand unconditional love requires nothing in return, including

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love. He said, you unconditional love, the kind of love I've shared with you to

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give to this boy doesn't need love in return. He'll probably love you. But

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that's not the part. That's not unconditional love has no conditions.

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Another thing I learned was a lot more about grace and understanding.

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Believing in somebody, giving them grace to fail and not get after them or put

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them down, giving them opportunities to prove they're wanting to make better

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choices. Sometimes it comes right back in your face, but God says he gives it to

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us all the time. How often has he given you grace when you didn't do what you

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said or when you did something hurtful? He gives grace and he asks us to. This

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one's one of my favorites. Those are gifts. So he gave me an understanding of

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unconditional love. He gave me the realization that grace is abundant and

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more than enough. And then this is one of my favorites. He says, he's always at

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work. You see, the most common question you hear from people who love a product

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is, how long Lord? How long is this going to go on? For me, the hard part was 15

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years. The challenges were beyond that. But the 15 years were really hard, full

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of really sad things. Psalm 138, the Lord will vindicate me. Your love Lord

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endures forever. Do not abandon the work of your hands. You're doing this work.

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Don't give up. And he says, yes, what I'm saying to you, don't give up. Your love

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is going to keep the work happening in this person. Philippians 1.6, love this

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verse. Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you, or in our

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case, in Josh, oh yeah, in me too, will carry it on to completion until the day

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of Christ Jesus. And so when I would get at a place where I'm like, help, I'm in a

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fog, I can't see anything, or I'm about to fall down this cliff, I'm out of

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control, I don't know what to do for this boy. And God said, I'm at work. I'm

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working. Even if you can't see a thing I'm doing right. It's how we might feel

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those of us in this virus thing right now. Time you see this, you might know,

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but we don't know right now. But God says, you don't know what's going to happen.

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And I'm more patient than you are. He says, but I am working in Josh's life.

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Now, Josh could still resist, but God's always reaching out with love and mercy

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and grace. Then there's prayer. You know, I'm in ministry, I've been in ministry

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all my adult life. We pray a lot in our ministry. We pray, you know, at the

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beginning of a meeting and after a meeting we have days of prayer, we have

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times of prayer, we pray, we get together to pray, we pray. And then Josh came

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along and I found out I hardly knew what prayer was. Prayer became for me like

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my breathing. I was constantly talking to the Lord about this boy. I was on my

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face, I mean literally I spent a lot of time on my face, begging God to give me

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what I needed for this, but to be doing the work in him. And I'm going to read

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you this awesome verse that I love here. I think I put it here. Yes. It's Isaiah 62.

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He says, I have posted watchmen on your walls, Jerusalem. They will never be

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silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest. Okay. So

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first of all, he says, don't rest in your prayer. Pray always without ceasing, he

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tells us. And then he says this wonderful thing. He says, give him no rest. God

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invites us to give him no rest while we bring to him what we're asking until he

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establishes in this case Jerusalem and makes her the praise of the earth until

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he does the work that we're begging him for, pleading for, waiting for in this

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person we love. He says, don't rest, keep praying. And don't think you are

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bothering me. Give me no rest. Keep asking, keep asking. And then the last

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thing I would mention is a final gift God gave me. And it's the gift of gratitude.

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He tells us in the verse, as you know, verse, you know, be thankful in all

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circumstances for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. Don't

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you think that can't mean what it says? Like, how can we be thankful in every

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there are so many hard things in this world. There are things I weep over

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because of people I know. There are things I read about it other places that

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I'm just weep over what happens to people and what people do to each other.

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And the tears I wept over this boy just seemed endless. And God says give thanks.

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And that's probably the most transforming thing he did in my life, which teach me

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to give thanks in all things. I find a lot of times as I start to pray about

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something, the first words out of my mouth now are thank you, Lord. That

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wasn't what I was thinking I was going to say. But it is because God's done a

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work in me to help me understand that gratitude is the best way to express my

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trust. And I believe that he's God. I believe that he's good. I believe he

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cares about me and the ones that I love. And so it's, it's a wonderful gift. Let

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me close with this story. So our son, Josh, for a long time did landscaping, and

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he was doing this huge hedge with a chainsaw. And behind it was a chain like

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the fence. And the chainsaw hits the fence. And it kicks back. The chainsaw

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hits Josh and nice gash. I get this call from his wife who says, Josh is on his

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way to the trauma ER. He just cut his head open with a chainsaw. And amazingly,

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the first words that came out of my mouth were thank you, Lord. But the cool

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thing is, other than that he really wasn't hurt that badly, it turned out it

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just chipped his skull didn't break it and stopped right above his eye is he

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can't lift the side brownie has a Harry Potter star, but which is cool, you know,

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and so I got in there to see him. I said, How are you? He says, Well, it had

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hurt a whole lot when they were cleaning it out. He said, But after I

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called 911, the next thing I did was say thank you, Lord, because he'd been

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learning. Just to close, Josh is 37 now. Maybe 38 I lose track. And he's on a

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second marriage. He has a wife who had brought a daughter in and a four year

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old daughter and he's about to have another little daughter next week. And

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so it when you see this, he will have had that baby. They will have. And he's

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held the same job for five and a half years now. And when I watch him and they

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live on a little farm and they raise pigs and chickens and he does farm work

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goes to his all day labor job comes home does farm work and because his wife has

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Lyme disease, he also fixes dinner cleans up around the house. So he went from

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being the most creative work of water I've ever seen to being one of the

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hardest working people I've ever seen. And, you know, spiritually, he's still

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got growing to do. But then so do I. And he's turned into a good man, a

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responsible person, a great dad and husband. And I just cry when I see him

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now not sad tears, but joyful tears. It were God has done. It was a long hard

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journey, but I wouldn't trade it for anything for his sake, as well as for

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May God bless you with the gifts he wants to give you because a person who's

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living with you or near you who breaks your heart. Just as we've broken God's

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heart. May God bless you through this person. Thank you.

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Was that helpful to you? I hope so. Every time I listen to that message, it

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speaks to me and is helpful to me. So what thoughts did you jot down? Why

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don't you pick one to start with? How can you begin to live that out as a way to

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improve your relationship with your prodigal? I've also listed a number, quite

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a number of resources to help you in the show notes. So if you need more, look

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there and see what could help you. Now, about the question and answer sessions,

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we'll do one every five or six weeks, probably. If you have a question that

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you would like me and my guests to talk about in the future at a question and

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answer session, you can go to Stay Connected in the show notes, click on my

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judydouglas.com website, and go to contact and give us your information and just

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write your question. Let us know what question you would like us to talk about.

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I would love it if you could take a minute to rate the podcast and if you're

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listening to Apple, you can write a review. I just pray that you would really

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be able to learn from this and share it with others if it's been helpful to you.

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And Lord, I pray for these people. I pray that they would really, as they

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listen to this and seek to apply it, that you would have a special message for each

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one. And then I would say you won't want to miss our next episode. My guest will

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be June Hunt, a well-known counselor, author, and teacher. I've read several of

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her books and they are filled with wisdom and help for those who love a

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prodigal. And she has very helpful stories to illustrate the points that she

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makes. So you don't want to miss that. Thanks for listening. God bless you.