How Do You Love a Prodigal, Part 1, episode 9 (Repost)

0:00 Do you love a prodigal? Do you feel like you are lost in a scary and endless wilderness? Welcome to the When You Love a Prodigal podcast. I am Judy Douglas and I spent more than 15 years in that wilderness. I believe together we will discover help and hope for your journey. This week as we continue our look at love we ask and begin to answer, How do you love a prodigal? My birthday had just passed.

0:40 A few weeks later another Mother's Day had come and gone. Not a word. Not a card. Nothing. Why? Why could he never return the love I had showered on him? It had been years since he became our son. Would he never love us? The Lord whispered two things to me. He said, Judy, he can't say I love you to you because to him that would be betraying his birth mom. Yes, she had neglected and abandoned him, but he still loved her.

1:27 And then he said, and Judy, you need to understand unconditional love. You're supposed to love him with unconditional love. Unconditional means without limitations or conditions. Complete. We all know that the love with which God loves us is called unconditional, though there is no verse that I can find that uses that word, but we know it's true. Romans 5, 8 tells us that even when we were sinful, enemies of God, he loved us.

2:08 And Romans 8, 38 and 39 assures us that nothing, not even our own actions, can separate us from his love. Thank you, Lord, for that unconditional love. It's just that it's almost impossible for me to love that way. And I would love for my son to be able to return love to me. And you're saying, Lord, that's not part of unconditional love. If he never is able to return that love, you're still called to love him unconditionally.

2:52 I have not done this easily. And perhaps you could say the same. Attitude, backtalk, lack of gratitude, lies and rebellion, asking and demanding, disrespect, anger, hurtful word, cold responses to our gifts of love, stabs in the heart. God said again, Judy, unconditional love has no conditions. It does not require love in return. It took my prodigal 12 years to be able to say those words, to say, I love you.

3:37 Got me great joy the first time it happened and the next time it happened and the next time. And still, he says it often now, texts me often, I love you. But it took a long time. And getting a picture of God's waiting on us to love him as he has loved us. So what does it look like to love like Jesus? Well, gratefully, God's word has given us a lot of help in that to tell us what it looks like. Now, of course, we couldn't begin to talk about what love looks like without turning to 1 Corinthians 13.

4:24 Here the apostle Paul describes the essentialness of love, how important it is, and what it looks like. We will look at the beautiful yet impossible passage this week and next week. Books have been written about this kind of love. We will only touch on it. First Corinthians 13, just two verses of it right now, starting at verse four. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud.

5:05 It does not dishonor others. It is not self seeking. It is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Let's look just a little at those. First love is patient. Most dictionaries define patient this way, bearing provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, pain, et cetera, with fortitude and calm and without complaint, anger or the like.

5:53 Well certainly over time, my prodigal and probably yours have provided provocation, annoyance, misfortune, delay, hardship, and so much pain. So the question, do we in face of those things have fortitude? Do we stay calm and uncomplaining? Do we get angry? Personally, I often do not respond well. I am not a patient person. Now I do seem to have a gift to persevere, but I don't do it with much patience.

6:38 Even when I stay calm, even when I refrain from anger, I usually manage to complain to my husband or close friend and surely to the Lord. But God says love is patient. Then he adds, love is kind. Probably I do better at kindness. Kind definitions include of a good or benevolent nature or disposition as a person having, showing or proceeding from benevolence, considerate, helpful, humane, gentle, loving, affectionate.

7:23 I hate to see anyone hurt. So kindness is more a natural response, though I have been known to have some subtle sarcastic remarks that are hurtful and unkind. So love is kind. Love does not envy. I find small envy over my heart in trivial things, but I too have often envied families that have wonderful, thriving children. When I'm in the midst of struggling with where a prodigal is and I watch this happy family and everyone's getting along and nobody's in trouble and the Lord said, why don't you rejoice with them that they're not experiencing what you have?

8:18 Okay, Lord, no envy. Love does not boast and is not proud. Well, you know, when you've got a prodigal who's challenging you consistently, that's not where you are as much, but then there are those days you get to boast and be proud when your loved one makes some good choices, works hard, keeps his word, was kind and respectful. I could be proud then, wishing for it to be more often. Love does not dishonor others. Even as I say that, I have to remember that I don't want to dishonor my son.

9:01 Yes, he made life challenging for us, but he is our son. We love him and we desire to honor him. Now he has given me permission to tell our stories, that is his and mine mostly or his and our families. And so he's not surprised that sometimes he hears about something he did long ago and he's okay with it because he wants others to benefit from the experience that we had. Love is not self-seeking. It is so easy to seek our own peace and comfort and our prodigals can make that difficult.

9:45 Love looks for ways to seek the best for others, including our prodigals. Okay, here's one. Love is not easily angered. Hmm, I don't think I need to say anything there. Love keeps no record of wrongs. Let's talk about this one. I remember when I did it again, our prodigal and a friend of his were with us, my husband and me. We were telling stories, one of my favorite activities. I couldn't resist. I told not one, but two stories of bad choices that our prodigal had made in the past.

10:32 He did not laugh. He even looked hurt. I asked for his forgiveness several times I have had to apologize for bringing up his past choices. Clearly, I have kept some record of some wrongs. Now, I'm a writer and a speaker, so stories are my trade. They are my currency and there is great benefit in remembering the past, learning from it and moving into a better future. What probably you have, as I have, let the hurt of your prodigal's choices, past or current, linger in your mind.

11:15 How they have hurt, offended and angered you. I have a mental list, sometimes even a written account of those offenses. Some are minor irritations, others are legitimate wrongs and some are really deep wounds. Perhaps you remember when he yelled and cursed at you, when she lied to your face intentionally deceitful and not at all remorseful. When he threatened you, how frightened you were for you and your other children. When you waited up all night not knowing where she was and what she was doing.

12:00 When you bailed him out of jail. When the police knocked on your door to tell you about the accident she was in. On and on the list goes of the wrongs that we can remember. And then there are the words you have hurled back at your loved ones. Things like you always lie to me. You are never responsible. Will I ever be able to trust you again? You never care about anyone but yourself. Do you recognize those words, always, never, ever, never?

12:40 Generally they should not be in our vocabulary with our loved ones. But you know, you've probably said many of those words, I certainly have. These words and those thoughts reflect the reality of keeping a record of wrongs. Our love prodigals wrong themselves and others and those who love them. Sometimes those wrongs pile up and threaten to crush us. How can we trust, believe, hope? How can we forgive? We can do so because Jesus has shown us how.

13:21 He came in love and was rejected. He healed and was accused instead of thanked. He was scourged and crucified, burying our sins while the crowd hurled insults. Soldiers beat him. Pharisees smiled. His response? Father, forgive them. They do not know what they are doing. He could have called legions of angels. He could have destroyed them on the spot. He could have said, I'll be back and I'll get even. But he didn't.

14:02 He forgave them. And that's what he asked us to do. As we let the Spirit fill us with the same love Christ has, we are freed from making our lists and from keeping a record of the ways our prodigals have wronged us. And we are empowered to forgive and to truly love. I find it helpful in the midst of a stressful situation or certainly afterward to ask myself if my behavior, words, thoughts, attitudes reflect the patience and kindness and other characteristics of love that God describes in these verses, if mine look like them, or do I get annoyed or provoked?

14:53 Is there anger in my voice? Are my words kind, gentle, and considerate? Unfortunately, I fail this test a little too often. Fortunately, God knows I can't love with patience and kindness in my own power. Thankfully, I can ask the Holy Spirit to fill me and empower me and love through me. The Spirit is capable of true patience and real kindness, and He is willing and able to love through me with supernatural love.

15:34 When I fail at loving as Christ loved, I can count on God's mercy to forgive my sin. But my prodigal might not be so full of grace. Rather, my lack of demonstrated love might drive him further away with genuine pain, a sense of rejection, and perhaps hurling an accusation of hypocrite at me. As my frustration and irritation levels rise with some new offense, I remember God's patience with and kindness to me.

16:15 Once again, I'm confounded by His love. If necessary, I ask forgiveness from God, and if I can, from my loved one. So did any of these characteristics of love hit home for you? Could you ask God to be working His love more and more into your heart and your words and your actions? Next week, we will look at part two of how to love a prodigal. God bless you. Thank you for joining me today on the When You Love a Prodigal podcast.

16:56 If you enjoyed today's episode, please subscribe, rate, and review the show on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Your review helps the show reach more people with the hope and encouragement of Jesus. Don't forget, take a look at the show notes. And for more helpful information, resources, and books, check out judydouglas.com. That's Douglas with two S's. You can find me on Facebook and on Twitter and Instagram at JudyDouglas417. Until next week.