Interview with Esther Joy Goetz, episode 110

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If you love a prodigal,

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you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey

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right here at the When You Love a Prodigal podcast,

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and also help and hope for your own life journey.

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Well, I am excited, my dear listeners,

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to introduce you to someone you might not know,

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but you will be glad that you do after this.

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Her name is Esther Joy Goetz.

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Did I say that right?

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Yeah, just Esther.

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Good. Do you use the Joy usually? No.

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My mom used to use it when I was in trouble.

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That's the only time. All right.

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So I am excited to introduce you to Esther Goetz,

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who focuses on helping moms of bigs.

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Now, what does she mean by bigs?

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She means big kids like teenagers and young adults,

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kids who have left home, gone to college,

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moved out on their own, that kind of thing.

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Her intro says,

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I have a fierce passion to restore hope for

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the sacred space where our hearts and our homes meet.

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That includes faith, marriage, and motherhood.

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I really like that concept of where our hearts and our homes meet.

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I really love your help, often with some humor,

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to help people realize they're not in control anymore.

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They probably weren't ever really in control,

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but they had authority and the responsibility for those children.

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But as they get to be bigger,

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they get to make their own decisions,

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and that's really hard for moms.

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That's what you know,

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and that's why you've come and helped them.

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How would you finish this sentence?

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Your great desire is to?

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Yeah. So that's my tagline.

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My great desire probably is to give,

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in this space where my heart meets my home as far as my kids,

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is to give them the roots of

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unconditional love and the wings of freedom to be completely themselves.

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But themselves is the hardest.

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Yes, it is because we'll watch them and first of all,

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we just have dreams and hopes.

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But then we see who they are and we see strengths and weaknesses,

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and skills, and gifts.

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So we can start planning their lives for them.

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I love the idea that they have the roots to know that they're loved,

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and for the safe place that they have come from.

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But they have wings to become who they will be.

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That's a great gift that you're giving to moms to help them on that journey,

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because that time when their kids start to move

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away from them is one of the hardest times in their lives.

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Well, maybe some of them is like,

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oh, thank goodness, but for most of them,

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it's like they're leaving.

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Now, who am I and what will I do and how do I navigate with them?

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So welcome, Esther.

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Your mom's at Biggs is on Instagram and any place else that they would find that?

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Yeah, I'm also on Facebook.

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Those are my two platforms where I write from.

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Of course, I have a little website and stuff like that.

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But those are the two places that I-

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We'll get to some of that a little later.

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Yeah.

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But I just go there and I see her because she posts pretty often,

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and I love the things that she posts.

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So what we're going to do to start with is I'm going to read a couple,

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two or three of some of her pithy sayings and let

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her respond to that on anything she would like to say about it.

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So let's get started.

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Well, I didn't tell you much else about her, did I?

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So how many children do you have, Esther?

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I have four and I call them grownish and flownish.

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As we know as moms,

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they're never quite in our minds at least fully grown or fully flown.

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I just keep laughing about that idea of their,

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but they are all mostly in their 20s.

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Okay. Where do you live?

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I live on the East Coast in New Jersey,

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and I have kids in three of the four corners.

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So I have one son in Florida,

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Southern Florida, he lives in Southern Florida.

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I have a daughter who lives in Southern California,

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and then two of my children live within a couple hours of me here on the East Coast.

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So you get to see them a little.

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One is threatening to move to Seattle.

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So there you go.

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There you go. You will have every corner of the whole country.

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Yes.

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That's a good thing.

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Okay. So here is a basic premise that you have.

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You've already mentioned, but I'll read this.

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Dear big kids,

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we pray that your wings are as strong as your roots are deep.

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Love, your mom.

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So people do ask me a lot about,

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what is that saying that I have the roots of unconditional love and the wings of freedom?

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I do think as moms,

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we want to establish deep,

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deep roots of unconditional love.

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For me, that means letting go of expectations and agendas and control,

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and that they would know that they are loved,

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just period, end of story.

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I don't think we have that much of a problem as moms doing that.

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We do because we have agendas,

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but the wings of freedom to be completely themselves,

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the strong wings they have for independence is very difficult.

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I'm very passionate about that launching process between the teenage and the young adult years.

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That's kind of, nobody really talks about that very much.

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The grief actually that we have as moms.

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Yeah.

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I think owning our own grief there does provide them to have the wings,

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but it is probably one of the most difficult processes in all of parenting.

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I think you're right.

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It's that time where we let them really let them go.

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I mean, they're going to go no matter what.

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It's really our job is to begin to allow them to do that.

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The wings of freedom, like I just mentioned,

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I have kids that live all over the country.

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I have friends who are like,

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I don't want to limit my kids for a whole host of reasons.

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There are going to be people that come into their lives that need them.

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I don't really have the right or the authority to hold anybody back from whatever you want

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to say God's plan for their life or their own plan for their own lives.

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Yeah, I feel so passionately about that.

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It's been very hard for me.

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I mean, it's not like, oh no.

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That's why you can say these things because you've had to work through it.

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Right. When my 19-year-old wanted to move to California,

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and I thought, when will I ever see her?

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It's been hard.

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I mean, but yes, she wanted to do that since she was five years old.

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Having lived in California for 25 years before I moved to Florida,

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yeah, it's a lovely place to go to but I wouldn't want to live there anymore.

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That's me.

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Right. Yet, it's so good for her to be launching out.

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I just see it isn't one of our jobs as moms

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to put our time and resources into what makes their hearts come alive, not ours.

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Absolutely. One of my daughters spent a year in China,

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and then she came home and finished college,

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and had in mind she would probably go back to China.

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But then she got married,

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and they moved to Colorado and my other daughter,

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well, she's lived about six places.

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I just was like, every time I think they're so far away,

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one's in Montana, and then I think,

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but they're not in China.

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So I can just hop on a plane and go see them right now.

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So yeah, it's a hard thing when they leave,

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especially when grandkids come.

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So here's another one of your things here.

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There are places that no matter how hard I try or even want to as a mom,

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I can't personally heal all the wounds of my kids' childhoods,

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but I can create an environment of grace and space for

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them as they work to heal themselves.

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A lot of people would say,

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we did our very best.

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They don't have wounds, and I'm like, oh yes, they do.

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Well, they have wounds that have come from even our most well-meaning intentions,

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and they also have wounds that come from things that are completely out of our control.

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We are humans that live in a world that's rough and it's beautiful,

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but it can be brutal at times.

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So our wounds are our responsibility,

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and their wounds are their responsibility.

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But I do like the idea of grace and space.

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I've said to my kids on a number of occasions,

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I want to have grace for who you are now,

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with all your struggles and strengths,

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but I want to make sure that I'm providing space for who you're becoming and who you will be.

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I even think about the grace that they need to give me for who I've been,

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and maybe I need to give them the grace for who they've been in the past as well.

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Because we don't only hurt our kids,

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our kids hurt us.

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So that's just part of being human,

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is that we do hurt each other.

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I think about the necessity of grace as we go on this healing process of who they've been,

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who we've been, who we are now,

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who they are now, and then the space for who they're becoming and who we're becoming.

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That's another big thing.

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I actually have it, I think,

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on my back wall that we always want to offer.

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I said, just breathe, but right under there,

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it says, give yourself grace and space.

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That's a bigger thought for me.

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I think hopefully within that framework,

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there will be opportunity for healing.

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Hopefully so. Grace definitely helps make possibility healing.

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Grace is one of the main topics of anything I do almost.

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So it's an important place.

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Yeah, and giving grace for our,

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I think one of the things that we can't give our kids grace unless we've given that to it.

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We can't give away what we have not been able to.

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Don't have ourselves.

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I always joke, I'm like,

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you can't give somebody $10 if you don't have $10 to give.

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So just even starting from receiving grace,

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yourself from others or God,

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and then giving grace to yourself.

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We are the hardest, I think, on ourselves.

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Much harder than God or even others are on us.

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I think about the idea of forgiving,

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and this came from my daughter.

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She, I apologized for some of the harm that we did to her when she was younger.

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She said, mom, be tender with the former version of yourself.

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Okay.

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She learned something, didn't she?

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Yeah, I do think about that.

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I have to be tender with the former version of myself.

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Because we all make tons of mistakes and have so many regrets.

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I just think the only place that we can meet those regrets are with compassion.

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So yeah.

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Okay. Here's another one.

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One of our top mom jobs might just be doing everything in

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our mom power to convince our kids to believe in themselves.

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So if I look back on my parenting,

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one of the ways I did do a good job,

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and probably because this is just naturally who I am,

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is I love to cheer people on.

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I'm just a cheerleader at heart.

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I love it.

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It's probably why I do this mom's a big,

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so I'm trying to cheer moms on.

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I just love being a cheerleader.

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So it is one of my strengths.

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I have plenty of struggles like control freak and other things.

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But this is a strength I have,

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and I do think about how much the world beats people up,

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and especially our kids.

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They get evaluated and beaten up to a pulp.

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They really do.

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I was determined not to do that.

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I just think naturally it came to me like I'm a high praiser.

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I loved being like,

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oh my goodness, show me your picture.

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I did sneak those pictures into the recycling bin after a while.

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Eventually, yes.

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But we had a huge,

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I didn't have a good fridge for posting,

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but we created a whole back door for all the things.

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Just wanted them to know that they had the gifts

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and the strengths to be completely themselves.

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So how could I not?

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If I believe in them,

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and I believe that they have the ability to be completely themselves,

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and that's what I was looking to do.

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Yes, believe in the gifts that you have,

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believe in the strengths,

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and understand the shadow sides that you have too,

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and the struggles, but that's okay.

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That was my job.

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That is our job all the time.

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I think it gets a little harder as they get older

253
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because the voices of society get much louder.

254
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Yes.

255
00:14:57,660 --> 00:15:01,820
Schools are so requiring so many things.

256
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Yes.

257
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:06,580
So I mean, we could talk about this probably as a whole podcast in and of itself.

258
00:15:06,580 --> 00:15:09,740
But I do feel like that is one of my top my job.

259
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That's great.

260
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I love it.

261
00:15:12,180 --> 00:15:13,340
Here's another one.

262
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Dear moms, it's not about having perfect children,

263
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but fully loved ones.

264
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After all, look at mine.

265
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Love God.

266
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That's God talking to the moms.

267
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He says, I love that.

268
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That's what I'm telling my audience all the time.

269
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Love them.

270
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Keep loving them.

271
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Yeah, it helps me.

272
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I always used to joke with friends,

273
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especially during the young years and the teenage years,

274
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about how God is the perfect parent and still look at us.

275
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Look at us.

276
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So with that in mind,

277
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his mission, God's mission is to just love us.

278
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And so then it frees me up to not have to worry about having perfection in myself

279
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and in my kids.

280
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Perfection is all of that black and white thinking, right?

281
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Either or.

282
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It must be this or it must be this.

283
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It's terrible or it's wonderful.

284
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It's good or it's bad.

285
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And it doesn't leave room for nuance.

286
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What does perfection do but create an environment of more perfection and striving?

287
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:35,980
And so if we can be allowed to be human and allow our kids to be human

288
00:16:35,980 --> 00:16:41,220
and just love them in all of their humanity and love ourselves

289
00:16:41,220 --> 00:16:44,300
and allow ourselves to be loved in all of our humanity.

290
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So yeah, it's just a big freedom thing for me.

291
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,180
I love it.

292
00:16:51,180 --> 00:16:54,700
That's why I wanted you here, because I love the things that you're saying.

293
00:16:54,700 --> 00:16:57,860
And I just I always wonder like who has perfect kids.

294
00:16:57,860 --> 00:16:58,900
I don't know any.

295
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,220
I haven't I have not come in contact with any.

296
00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:03,260
Not a one.

297
00:17:03,260 --> 00:17:07,060
And I've not I've not come in contact with any perfect human beings.

298
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,860
No, not a single one.

299
00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:12,900
All I have to do is look in the mirror.

300
00:17:12,900 --> 00:17:20,540
So here's going on to some just the nitty gritty of living with teens,

301
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:24,020
older teens, young adults.

302
00:17:24,020 --> 00:17:29,740
Here's one of the things that you gave me that we could talk about.

303
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:35,900
What if we were able if you were able we are able to say to our big kids,

304
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:42,860
I did am doing my best, but sometimes you deserve better.

305
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:48,460
How might that bring healing to all of us to understand that?

306
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:49,820
Yeah.

307
00:17:49,820 --> 00:17:52,860
I think that

308
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:58,140
then I've done I've had to do this so so often with my kids is to say,

309
00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:01,060
yeah, you know what? I did do my best.

310
00:18:01,060 --> 00:18:06,180
And there's I think it's Maya Angelou quote, when you know better, you do better.

311
00:18:06,180 --> 00:18:08,140
And that's really all that we can do.

312
00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:10,940
We can't we can't change the past.

313
00:18:10,940 --> 00:18:16,380
And I do love a quote, this quote by somebody else that says there are no

314
00:18:16,380 --> 00:18:20,060
do overs, but there are makeovers.

315
00:18:20,060 --> 00:18:23,100
And that's where we can start from today.

316
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:29,060
Right. And say, I'm really sorry, because even my best.

317
00:18:29,060 --> 00:18:31,140
Was like the best at times.

318
00:18:31,140 --> 00:18:32,940
I mean, it was lacking, right.

319
00:18:32,940 --> 00:18:35,460
But I that's part of my humanity.

320
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:41,020
I think the struggle we have as moms is to not spiral into shame.

321
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:44,460
To hold that space for ourselves, to say, you know what?

322
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:50,100
I did do my best at the time and almost pull back and and say,

323
00:18:50,100 --> 00:18:53,340
I was doing my best and I couldn't have done anything different.

324
00:18:53,340 --> 00:18:59,020
Yeah. Yet it's true.

325
00:18:59,540 --> 00:19:03,060
That I still hurt my children even in doing my best,

326
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:07,180
and it's OK to apologize for that now when we know, I mean,

327
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:11,180
the things that we've discovered about kids and what works best.

328
00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:13,380
We did not have that when I was raising my kids.

329
00:19:13,380 --> 00:19:17,460
We didn't have all of this great information that's coming out now.

330
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:20,180
And our parents didn't have the information we had.

331
00:19:20,180 --> 00:19:22,140
And so even less. Yes.

332
00:19:22,140 --> 00:19:24,820
And so hopefully each generation comes along

333
00:19:25,180 --> 00:19:30,820
and looks to break generational cycles from the past and even to break

334
00:19:30,820 --> 00:19:35,380
the cycles that we even created in our homes that we like.

335
00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:37,660
I joked about me being a control freak.

336
00:19:37,660 --> 00:19:40,620
And one of my kids was like, you can try to control me all you want.

337
00:19:41,020 --> 00:19:42,820
And it's just not going to work.

338
00:19:42,820 --> 00:19:45,940
And I remember for whatever reason, I listened to that.

339
00:19:45,940 --> 00:19:49,220
And he said, you're just afraid.

340
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:53,380
Oh, well, then it struck me.

341
00:19:53,380 --> 00:19:56,780
I don't know why he was 13 and he was kind of backtalking,

342
00:19:57,460 --> 00:19:59,260
but he was he got it.

343
00:19:59,260 --> 00:20:02,500
But he was right.

344
00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:05,260
And I had to listen through the.

345
00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:10,380
Back talk or whatever we would want to say to hear what he had to say to me.

346
00:20:10,380 --> 00:20:15,220
And it did and it didn't require a lot of change on my part after that.

347
00:20:15,220 --> 00:20:18,180
And then I would say to my kids, I know this looks like I'm controlling you.

348
00:20:18,180 --> 00:20:20,220
And I am because I'm so afraid.

349
00:20:21,660 --> 00:20:23,660
And they would be like, we get it, Mom, we get it.

350
00:20:23,660 --> 00:20:26,100
And I'm like, I'm not there yet. I'm not there.

351
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,340
But I knew it was like a long, slow process.

352
00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:31,340
And I'm still afraid all the time.

353
00:20:31,340 --> 00:20:33,540
Well, the world's a scary place.

354
00:20:33,540 --> 00:20:35,900
Yeah, I'm still I'm still afraid.

355
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,580
I mean, my daughter's getting on a plane tomorrow night from L.A.

356
00:20:38,580 --> 00:20:42,980
to New Jersey. I just get like, oh, you know, will she make it?

357
00:20:43,340 --> 00:20:46,180
Is, you know, all those normal and I love that.

358
00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:49,940
I think there is those fears are normal, Mom, fears.

359
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:53,900
But I also think we we are brave.

360
00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:56,980
We all forget that how brave we are as moms.

361
00:20:57,700 --> 00:20:58,980
To have children.

362
00:20:58,980 --> 00:21:01,780
Yes. And to continue in this process.

363
00:21:02,180 --> 00:21:04,660
Like, I think we talk about our brave our fear a lot,

364
00:21:04,940 --> 00:21:07,380
but we keep showing up and keep doing the stuff.

365
00:21:07,380 --> 00:21:09,820
And we're so brave.

366
00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:12,180
So, yeah, we are afraid.

367
00:21:12,780 --> 00:21:15,540
And again, there are good reasons to be. But.

368
00:21:16,420 --> 00:21:20,180
Yeah, we have to walk past that and.

369
00:21:20,180 --> 00:21:22,620
Yeah. And help them learn to.

370
00:21:22,980 --> 00:21:25,660
Yeah. So I love this invite.

371
00:21:25,860 --> 00:21:29,580
Don't demand and then respect their answer.

372
00:21:30,740 --> 00:21:33,660
So this is a huge one for.

373
00:21:33,660 --> 00:21:38,100
This is a huge one, I would say, for moms of teens and young adults.

374
00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:42,420
And it is one of those places where they are going.

375
00:21:43,420 --> 00:21:46,500
They're going to be, you know, spreading their wings

376
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:51,300
and they're not going to respond with yeses all the time.

377
00:21:51,300 --> 00:21:53,660
But I say our job is to continue to invite.

378
00:21:53,660 --> 00:21:58,300
Right. We we continue to pursue as much as we possibly can,

379
00:21:58,580 --> 00:22:00,380
even if they're no is often.

380
00:22:00,380 --> 00:22:03,340
But I think one of the things that we do is we.

381
00:22:03,340 --> 00:22:06,460
We have to do is we have to do the things that we want to do.

382
00:22:06,460 --> 00:22:10,780
And I think that's one of the things that it does is it allows for good boundaries

383
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:14,180
and it gives and then it gives me permission to say no.

384
00:22:14,180 --> 00:22:17,500
I remember my daughter wanted me to come to something and I was like,

385
00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:20,980
well, I'm in the middle of something that's really important to me.

386
00:22:20,980 --> 00:22:24,180
And this time, I'm not going to drop everything.

387
00:22:24,620 --> 00:22:27,980
So I love I love the idea of having those healthy boundaries

388
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:30,780
where I can love you and me simultaneously. Right.

389
00:22:30,780 --> 00:22:36,780
A long term healthy relationship like I know the guilt card was used on me

390
00:22:36,780 --> 00:22:41,740
and I used it for a time and it just is not healthy and it's manipulative.

391
00:22:41,740 --> 00:22:44,700
And it works in the short term.

392
00:22:44,980 --> 00:22:47,580
And so I know that's why a lot of parents do it.

393
00:22:47,980 --> 00:22:50,700
But in the long term, do you really want.

394
00:22:51,780 --> 00:22:54,740
Your kid to be with you based in guilt, like,

395
00:22:55,180 --> 00:22:59,580
or do you want your an obligation or do you want your kid to be with you?

396
00:22:59,580 --> 00:23:02,340
And I agree that and i'll say it because I Here's really a littleFunny

397
00:23:02,340 --> 00:23:05,420
bit that you said I had this idea it was awesome

398
00:23:05,420 --> 00:23:09,180
and I that they had a really durable connection.

399
00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:14,460
And really, we think celebrating a child's isso

400
00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:16,420
needs to have the opposite.

401
00:23:16,420 --> 00:23:21,100
So sometimes we really need to make sure that they're grounded in choice,

402
00:23:21,540 --> 00:23:22,820
which is love. Right.

403
00:23:22,820 --> 00:23:26,680
We want really healthy relationships are grounded in choice.

404
00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:29,200
all day long when it comes to the holidays,

405
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:30,840
we have vacations.

406
00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,280
I mean, it is, and even like I remember my son

407
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:35,960
and you know, he was a junior

408
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,800
and he was madly in love with his girlfriend

409
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:39,640
and it was Christmas Eve

410
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:42,760
and their family invited him over for,

411
00:23:42,760 --> 00:23:44,920
they were Italian for seven fishes

412
00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:49,320
and he made the choice to go.

413
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,200
And we respected his no to us.

414
00:23:53,200 --> 00:23:54,040
And that was very hard.

415
00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:54,880
And cried.

416
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:57,360
And then we went in the shower and cried.

417
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:01,840
That is the thing that I think we are allowed to do.

418
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:05,320
We are allowed to grieve their nose without using,

419
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,640
but then, and then stop.

420
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:09,840
My son a couple of weeks ago said to me,

421
00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:11,880
I was like, you know, you're gonna go see grandma

422
00:24:11,880 --> 00:24:14,360
because you know, she's kind of on her last legs

423
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,280
and you know, and she was like,

424
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,400
oh my gosh, mom, you preach, don't use the guilt card.

425
00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,400
And I said, true, true.

426
00:24:23,400 --> 00:24:25,560
You get to choose when you go to see grandma

427
00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,120
or if you don't go to see grandma.

428
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:33,120
Yeah, you can express your desires, but with open hands.

429
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,760
Oh, with open hands and crying.

430
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:42,240
I usually try not to cry in front of them too much

431
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,600
if they're the cause of it.

432
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:47,480
I can cry about other things in front of them.

433
00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:48,640
Yeah, that's so wise.

434
00:24:48,640 --> 00:24:50,400
I love that you're saying that.

435
00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:52,960
We need to have other support systems

436
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,560
for when they hurt us.

437
00:24:55,680 --> 00:24:57,040
Or even, and they're not even,

438
00:24:57,040 --> 00:24:58,640
it just things they do hurt us.

439
00:24:58,640 --> 00:24:59,960
Not even that they're harming us,

440
00:24:59,960 --> 00:25:01,680
but that the things they do cause pain.

441
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:05,440
It's hurtful, but we can say that makes me sad,

442
00:25:05,440 --> 00:25:09,080
but it's your choice and I respect that.

443
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,000
Right.

444
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,680
My mother-in-law was so good at this.

445
00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:16,560
She would say to me, I will really miss you,

446
00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:19,480
but I've learned to be okay with who's here,

447
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,280
but I will really miss you.

448
00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:23,760
And she was so invitational.

449
00:25:23,760 --> 00:25:27,040
Oh my goodness, she was so wonderful with this.

450
00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:28,960
It changed everything for me.

451
00:25:30,240 --> 00:25:31,680
You were very blessed.

452
00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:32,520
I was.

453
00:25:32,520 --> 00:25:34,040
This is my mother-in-law.

454
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:35,880
Yes, I heard you.

455
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:38,720
That can be a little challenging sometime.

456
00:25:38,720 --> 00:25:39,840
Here's another one.

457
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,160
You had a whole thing on,

458
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:47,760
what do you wanna say to your big kid

459
00:25:47,760 --> 00:25:50,000
about all the things you like about them

460
00:25:50,000 --> 00:25:51,400
or appreciate them?

461
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:53,640
And so one of them was figure out a way

462
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,760
to tell your big kid that you are thankful for them,

463
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:02,760
even if they hurt your feelings or been a pain.

464
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:06,840
Yeah, one of my missions, I have a lot of missions,

465
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:11,040
but one of my missions just in my own person

466
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,440
is to practice gratitude.

467
00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:14,480
Oh, me too.

468
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,440
It's one of my main things in life.

469
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,080
Yes, practice gratitude.

470
00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:22,520
And it does really continue to bring hope to us,

471
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,200
I think, when we practice gratitude.

472
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:27,160
And I think that's one of the things with kids,

473
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,520
I think, especially if we're going through

474
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:33,120
a really difficult time with our kid,

475
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:35,680
let's say our relationship is estranged

476
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:40,680
or we're seeing behavior that is harmful to them

477
00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:45,520
or whatever it is, we're just on the struggle bus.

478
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:50,400
I think in my life, when I'm on the struggle bus,

479
00:26:50,400 --> 00:26:53,000
practicing gratitude is what really gets me through

480
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,000
and really gives me hope.

481
00:26:55,000 --> 00:26:59,240
And I started in November, like 30 days of gratitude,

482
00:26:59,240 --> 00:27:01,200
because it happens to be Thankful Month.

483
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,040
But I tried-

484
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,680
See, we should read each other's 30 days of gratitude.

485
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:05,240
Yeah, we should.

486
00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:06,240
I love that.

487
00:27:06,240 --> 00:27:08,920
And but I just think it has to go

488
00:27:08,920 --> 00:27:12,800
to the regular nitty gritty parts of every day, right?

489
00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:16,600
So when you're in like, just, yeah,

490
00:27:16,600 --> 00:27:19,000
I called the struggle bus with one of your kids

491
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:23,600
to find something that you're thankful for about them.

492
00:27:24,840 --> 00:27:27,440
But here's the key, tell them.

493
00:27:27,440 --> 00:27:29,040
Tell them, absolutely.

494
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:30,720
You can write it down all day long,

495
00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:33,280
but find a way to tell them.

496
00:27:34,240 --> 00:27:38,160
And don't tell them couched in other stuff.

497
00:27:39,040 --> 00:27:42,080
Don't tell, like be like, well, you know, you're horrible,

498
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,280
but I'm really thankful for you.

499
00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:48,200
If there's a but in there, you're not doing it right.

500
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:49,920
And if your kids are,

501
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,600
and you have to communicate to them in their language,

502
00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:55,720
like if it's a text, send them a text.

503
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,680
If it's an email, if it's a phone call,

504
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,240
if it's getting them a little gift,

505
00:27:59,240 --> 00:28:01,080
whatever their love language, whatever it is.

506
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:02,840
So if you tried it on TikTok, yeah.

507
00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:05,400
Yeah, on TikTok, whatever it is.

508
00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:08,480
Like my joke, I think on that post was send a carrier pigeon.

509
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:10,360
I mean, whatever you have to do,

510
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:13,280
I used to just leave small notes on the mirror,

511
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:15,960
you know, when my kids were home, just let, you know,

512
00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:17,360
like, hey, I was really thankful

513
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:19,520
that you emptied the dishwasher last night.

514
00:28:19,520 --> 00:28:24,120
Whatever it was, I just, or just trying to find something.

515
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:26,720
And then it gave me a spark of hope.

516
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:27,560
Yes.

517
00:28:27,560 --> 00:28:29,360
That they weren't terrible people actually.

518
00:28:29,360 --> 00:28:32,000
There are still good things there.

519
00:28:32,000 --> 00:28:34,000
There's still good, there's still goodness.

520
00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:35,120
And I didn't fail totally.

521
00:28:35,120 --> 00:28:35,960
Or.

522
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:37,640
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

523
00:28:37,640 --> 00:28:41,600
So here's another one that I think is incredibly important.

524
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:47,640
Never try to shame your big kid into good behavior.

525
00:28:47,920 --> 00:28:52,240
No one is ever shamed into a happy, healthy adult.

526
00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:56,600
Well, I alluded to it before, right?

527
00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:59,080
About the shame spiral that we all go to.

528
00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:03,640
And I think we, many of us grew up in a culture

529
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:07,600
where shame was the number one motivator,

530
00:29:07,600 --> 00:29:08,880
fear and shame, right?

531
00:29:08,880 --> 00:29:10,680
And I think about the difference

532
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:14,000
between what Brene Brown says, guilt and shame.

533
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:17,760
And guilt is legitimate because it's based on bad behavior.

534
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:18,920
And you can do something about it

535
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,120
where shame is saying you are bad, right?

536
00:29:21,120 --> 00:29:23,040
You are bad at your core, like,

537
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:26,280
and you take that identity on.

538
00:29:26,280 --> 00:29:30,480
And I think that shame, people use shame,

539
00:29:30,480 --> 00:29:33,360
and we're tempted to use shame on ourselves

540
00:29:33,360 --> 00:29:35,840
and our, and the people that we love, our kids,

541
00:29:35,840 --> 00:29:37,720
because it works.

542
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:41,400
Yes, people respond and do what you want.

543
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:42,440
Yes, it works.

544
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:43,280
Sometimes, not always.

545
00:29:43,280 --> 00:29:47,080
Right, it works in the short term,

546
00:29:47,080 --> 00:29:51,000
but it destroys in the long term.

547
00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:54,720
It just, everybody I know, every female I know,

548
00:29:54,720 --> 00:29:58,600
every mom I know, when they try to move

549
00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:01,360
to a place of more healing, or they try to get healing,

550
00:30:01,360 --> 00:30:04,080
they go to therapy, they pray, whatever they are doing

551
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:09,080
to become their best version of themselves.

552
00:30:09,480 --> 00:30:12,880
This is the mean monster that seems

553
00:30:12,880 --> 00:30:14,600
to rear its head all the time.

554
00:30:14,600 --> 00:30:17,920
And we certainly don't want to pass along the things

555
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:20,360
that we have to heal from.

556
00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:24,680
Yeah, because it will affect them throughout their lives

557
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:29,400
if that has been the main way they've been pushed

558
00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,880
to do something or be something.

559
00:30:31,880 --> 00:30:33,560
Absolutely, we're going to do it

560
00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:38,560
whether we want to or not, but we can quickly course correct

561
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:43,480
and say, oh my goodness, no, that was wrong.

562
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:44,760
That's really wrong of me.

563
00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:47,280
Course correcting, I mean, what would we do

564
00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:50,280
without apologies and forgiveness?

565
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:55,280
Oh, yes, I think that is one of the key things

566
00:30:56,040 --> 00:31:01,040
that the Lord invites us to, is to repent and apologize

567
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:04,520
and to forgive.

568
00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,400
And yeah, well, that's all another message.

569
00:31:08,400 --> 00:31:13,200
But not doing shame is hugely important.

570
00:31:14,940 --> 00:31:16,280
Okay, a couple more of these

571
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:18,960
and then some summary kinds of things.

572
00:31:18,960 --> 00:31:19,800
Okay.

573
00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:23,720
Okay, so just perspective on life.

574
00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:28,720
We've been talking about the living with our bigs.

575
00:31:28,720 --> 00:31:31,760
Mine are all now in their 40s.

576
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:32,600
Oh, wow.

577
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:37,600
So we've made it through a lot of this.

578
00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:38,720
Yeah, yeah.

579
00:31:38,720 --> 00:31:42,440
But I like this concept.

580
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:46,480
You don't have to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

581
00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:52,240
We do it all the time as moms.

582
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:57,080
We sacrifice ourselves on the altar of our children

583
00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,600
and we burn ourselves to the ground

584
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,600
in order for them to stay warm.

585
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:07,240
I mean, I think that is very normal and natural,

586
00:32:07,240 --> 00:32:08,600
especially as they're younger.

587
00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:11,840
I mean, but we continue to do it

588
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:13,960
where we take care of the things

589
00:32:13,960 --> 00:32:16,200
that they should be taken care of.

590
00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:17,400
I mean, that's another,

591
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:20,040
like, oh, we could talk a long time about that.

592
00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,040
But I just think, like my big joke is,

593
00:32:22,040 --> 00:32:26,440
you know that reports that they didn't get done

594
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:30,280
or the taxes that they didn't file on time,

595
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:35,280
all those things where, like, suddenly we're hopping to it

596
00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,280
and we're giving up our sleep or we're giving,

597
00:32:38,280 --> 00:32:40,240
I mean, all those things we're doing,

598
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,400
we're jumping in the car and we're solving problems

599
00:32:43,400 --> 00:32:46,200
for them that they can solve on their own.

600
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,760
So that's that long, slow progression to independence, right?

601
00:32:49,760 --> 00:32:50,720
Right, it is.

602
00:32:50,720 --> 00:32:54,000
And sometimes you will set yourself on fire for them

603
00:32:54,000 --> 00:32:56,280
in a sense because that's the need,

604
00:32:56,280 --> 00:32:58,920
the real need at the time because of things.

605
00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:03,920
But other times, you know, like you said to your daughter,

606
00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,960
I can't come this time.

607
00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:08,520
Right, a counselor said to me once,

608
00:33:08,520 --> 00:33:12,840
their urgency does not have to become your emergency.

609
00:33:12,840 --> 00:33:15,680
And there's a big difference between urgency

610
00:33:15,680 --> 00:33:19,760
because our kids are gonna think that everything's urgent.

611
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:20,600
Yeah.

612
00:33:20,600 --> 00:33:23,320
And that, you know, they've had a mom who took care of them

613
00:33:23,320 --> 00:33:24,800
since they were really little.

614
00:33:24,800 --> 00:33:28,000
So of course they're going to feel like everything's,

615
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:30,440
you know, an emergency.

616
00:33:30,440 --> 00:33:33,600
And why wouldn't they until they have to learn

617
00:33:33,600 --> 00:33:37,000
what is urgent and what is a true emergency.

618
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,400
And I do something, I take a one day a week,

619
00:33:40,400 --> 00:33:42,920
and I've done this since my kids were four to 11.

620
00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:45,240
So I've done it almost 20 years

621
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:46,920
where I took one day a week of like,

622
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:51,800
I call it like a Sabbath, where mom was not on call.

623
00:33:51,800 --> 00:33:54,880
It was the reality, we got pizza, I mean, we were poor,

624
00:33:54,880 --> 00:33:57,840
we got pizza, I didn't cook, you know.

625
00:33:57,840 --> 00:34:00,640
And then as they moved away and up in high school,

626
00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:04,200
like they knew, and for me, it was Fridays, I took the day.

627
00:34:04,200 --> 00:34:05,840
I didn't work that day.

628
00:34:05,840 --> 00:34:08,320
I, and I had to tag team with my husband

629
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,720
because kids have stuff, right?

630
00:34:09,720 --> 00:34:12,080
He was on Sundays, mine was on Fridays.

631
00:34:12,080 --> 00:34:15,160
And we, but it was like, mom is off.

632
00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:17,560
You have anything, you text dad.

633
00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:21,480
And now, and as they got into college, I said to them,

634
00:34:21,480 --> 00:34:24,960
okay, I'm turning my phone on, do not disturb.

635
00:34:24,960 --> 00:34:26,880
And that means in order to reach me,

636
00:34:26,880 --> 00:34:31,880
if it's a true emergency, you have to call me two times.

637
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,880
And, but it was a long, slow process for them to learn

638
00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:38,640
what's urgent and what can we do tomorrow for mom

639
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:40,960
and what's an emergency that I actually do need help.

640
00:34:40,960 --> 00:34:42,760
And they've been very respectful.

641
00:34:42,760 --> 00:34:45,360
And now, now they're like,

642
00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:48,360
you know, now they all are like, oh, whoops, it's Sunday.

643
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:50,360
Whoops, ups, like, come on.

644
00:34:50,360 --> 00:34:51,200
Now.

645
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:52,040
They're learning.

646
00:34:52,040 --> 00:34:56,040
But you sit there then equipped as they become parents.

647
00:34:56,040 --> 00:34:56,880
Yes.

648
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:57,720
They will understand some things.

649
00:34:57,720 --> 00:35:00,000
But a long, slow process of uncoupling yourself

650
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:00,840
from your kids.

651
00:35:00,840 --> 00:35:03,840
So true, so true.

652
00:35:05,360 --> 00:35:08,000
Okay, here's your big statement.

653
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:10,840
And then I wanna talk about things you're doing.

654
00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:11,680
Okay.

655
00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:12,520
Other than that, okay?

656
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:15,840
All we want from our kids as they leave home

657
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:18,040
is to know in their hearts

658
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:21,120
that our home is forever their safe place.

659
00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:21,960
Yeah.

660
00:35:23,160 --> 00:35:28,160
I feel like I can't create a safe world.

661
00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:28,960
No.

662
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:29,800
Just what you said.

663
00:35:29,800 --> 00:35:31,440
It's not a safe world.

664
00:35:31,440 --> 00:35:36,440
But my job is to create a safe place within me.

665
00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:39,520
That they can be whoever they are,

666
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:42,600
say whatever they are.

667
00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:44,200
I mean, obviously respect and all those things.

668
00:35:44,200 --> 00:35:46,120
I'm not saying that, like,

669
00:35:46,120 --> 00:35:47,760
I also have to be careful of my boundaries,

670
00:35:47,760 --> 00:35:52,280
but just an emotionally and physically safe place for them.

671
00:35:52,280 --> 00:35:53,120
That's my job.

672
00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:55,920
I think that's my job actually for everybody.

673
00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:56,760
Yeah.

674
00:35:56,760 --> 00:35:57,600
I agree.

675
00:35:57,600 --> 00:36:00,160
So our kids are just people.

676
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:04,360
And I know that it started for me

677
00:36:04,360 --> 00:36:07,240
when other people were a safe place for me.

678
00:36:07,240 --> 00:36:09,640
That's what changed me.

679
00:36:09,640 --> 00:36:11,920
That's what caused me to grow.

680
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:14,600
I think about how safe God is for us.

681
00:36:14,600 --> 00:36:19,600
And I think about that I can be God with skin on for others.

682
00:36:20,320 --> 00:36:23,480
And my kids are part of the love one another.

683
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:25,160
They're part of the others.

684
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:26,800
Pretty high priority of the one,

685
00:36:26,800 --> 00:36:27,640
the love one another.

686
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:28,480
Yeah, pretty high priority, right?

687
00:36:28,480 --> 00:36:29,680
And they're in our yard.

688
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,600
I mean, they're in, like in our small circle.

689
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,320
Those are the people that we have intimate contact with.

690
00:36:35,320 --> 00:36:37,640
Those are the people that we have intimate contact with,

691
00:36:37,640 --> 00:36:40,320
hopefully, or would like to.

692
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:42,640
So I just keep thinking about that.

693
00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:46,160
I can't make everybody else safe and everything else safe,

694
00:36:46,160 --> 00:36:49,720
but I can provide that I'm safe for them.

695
00:36:51,400 --> 00:36:54,880
So, and I say this, like,

696
00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,800
it makes it a lot easier for them

697
00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,200
to want to be with me if I'm safe.

698
00:36:59,200 --> 00:37:01,200
Yes, absolutely.

699
00:37:01,200 --> 00:37:04,800
I mean, I can think of people who don't feel safe.

700
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:08,320
I can think of not many in my family,

701
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:11,040
but some that never felt safe.

702
00:37:11,040 --> 00:37:15,360
And you just, you don't even want to go there.

703
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:16,640
Yeah, you don't want to be,

704
00:37:16,640 --> 00:37:19,120
yeah, I had another like pithy saying,

705
00:37:19,120 --> 00:37:22,040
which said, I don't want to be the mom who my kids love.

706
00:37:22,040 --> 00:37:24,520
I want to be the mom who my kids love being around.

707
00:37:24,520 --> 00:37:25,800
Absolutely.

708
00:37:27,200 --> 00:37:30,280
Yes, because otherwise they quit coming.

709
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:34,440
Yeah, and all that stuff, it's just,

710
00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,800
and it's complicated and there's not quick,

711
00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:39,600
like I love that we unpack my pithy sayings,

712
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:40,920
because as you can see,

713
00:37:40,920 --> 00:37:43,520
there's so much behind what goes into them, right?

714
00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:44,360
Yes, yes.

715
00:37:44,360 --> 00:37:47,600
It's like a much deeper issue than like,

716
00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:48,480
oh, this quick thing.

717
00:37:48,480 --> 00:37:50,920
It kind of helps moms to really think like,

718
00:37:50,920 --> 00:37:53,120
oh, what does that mean?

719
00:37:53,120 --> 00:37:56,920
And how does that, how do I unpack that in my own heart

720
00:37:56,920 --> 00:37:58,640
and in my own, you know,

721
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:01,880
and in my own parenting relationship with my kids?

722
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:06,160
And I would imagine as people read your pithy sayings

723
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,560
and ones you borrow from others,

724
00:38:08,560 --> 00:38:13,000
and that some of them say, oh, that's good.

725
00:38:13,000 --> 00:38:16,640
But some of them, it hits, it strikes deeper

726
00:38:16,640 --> 00:38:21,640
and they stop and it's a God moment for him to say,

727
00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:23,760
can we work on this?

728
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:27,360
Or is this, are you seeing growth in this area?

729
00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:30,880
Or do you see what this means for your loved ones?

730
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:35,880
That's, I just, I really like what you're doing.

731
00:38:36,520 --> 00:38:39,080
I think it's really helpful to people

732
00:38:39,080 --> 00:38:42,920
because sometimes when we're just directly,

733
00:38:42,920 --> 00:38:46,760
quote, preaching something, which I can do,

734
00:38:46,760 --> 00:38:50,120
it's nicer to come at it from something

735
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:54,080
that's a little not direct in your face kind of,

736
00:38:54,080 --> 00:38:57,560
and then they kind of get it themselves.

737
00:38:57,560 --> 00:38:58,400
Right, right.

738
00:38:58,400 --> 00:39:00,760
And so I think God's giving you a good example.

739
00:39:00,760 --> 00:39:02,960
For the choir, I'm preaching to myself.

740
00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:05,360
I'm preaching to, I didn't even say the choir.

741
00:39:05,360 --> 00:39:08,000
I'm preaching, a lot of why I write

742
00:39:08,000 --> 00:39:10,880
and a lot of why I do this is for my own process

743
00:39:10,880 --> 00:39:13,280
of being the best mom that I can be.

744
00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,640
As my kids continue to age and grow

745
00:39:16,640 --> 00:39:19,160
and I have grandchildren and such like that,

746
00:39:19,160 --> 00:39:21,240
I wanna be this all for my grandchildren too.

747
00:39:21,240 --> 00:39:23,800
Oh yeah, that's a joy mostly.

748
00:39:23,800 --> 00:39:28,360
And so tell me about the other things you're doing,

749
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:33,360
the projects you have or you have a book coming out.

750
00:39:33,440 --> 00:39:34,400
Yeah, I'm excited.

751
00:39:34,400 --> 00:39:37,880
So I have three things I'm working on right now.

752
00:39:37,880 --> 00:39:39,720
One is, anybody out there,

753
00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:41,240
and I'm not sure where your people are,

754
00:39:41,240 --> 00:39:46,160
I have a 50 day college mom journey called Roots and Wings

755
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:49,320
that starts every fall, it's on sale now, I have that.

756
00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,360
That is a 50 days of walking through

757
00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:54,520
this time of saying goodbye.

758
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:57,360
It's really 50 days of grief and boundaries.

759
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:01,280
So it's online and so they subscribe to it.

760
00:40:01,280 --> 00:40:02,480
Yeah, it's on my website.

761
00:40:02,480 --> 00:40:03,320
Yeah, and you can.

762
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:05,160
Okay, we'll give them that information.

763
00:40:05,160 --> 00:40:08,040
There's a Facebook group that's on and my store.

764
00:40:08,040 --> 00:40:10,040
And then I have something else called Real Talk

765
00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:11,520
and that is twice a year,

766
00:40:11,520 --> 00:40:15,960
I team up with eight other moms and my co-host

767
00:40:15,960 --> 00:40:20,000
and we have a Raising Teens and Young Adults Summit.

768
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,720
We had our first one that did really great in January.

769
00:40:23,720 --> 00:40:25,600
We're having another one in the fall.

770
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,600
We're taping, I'm taping actually right after this

771
00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:31,200
for that and that's gonna be coming out.

772
00:40:31,200 --> 00:40:33,160
So what format does that take?

773
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:38,160
That is, you get a video or audio every day for 10 days

774
00:40:38,560 --> 00:40:43,240
into your inbox and we did a general thing

775
00:40:43,240 --> 00:40:45,000
about raising teens and young adults

776
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,640
and now we're working on this next summit

777
00:40:47,640 --> 00:40:50,760
will be on health, healthy relationships, physical health,

778
00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:55,200
all that stuff related to being a healthy mom.

779
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,680
So, and having healthy kids and yeah,

780
00:40:58,680 --> 00:41:03,680
so things like communication and self care and yeah.

781
00:41:04,280 --> 00:41:06,080
Well, and that's really important now

782
00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:10,880
because all you read about is how unhealthy mentally

783
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:14,360
and emotionally the younger generation is right now.

784
00:41:14,360 --> 00:41:15,200
So.

785
00:41:15,200 --> 00:41:17,560
Yeah, so that's coming up.

786
00:41:17,560 --> 00:41:19,760
The best way to find out about all of that

787
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,400
just really quickly is I have a weekly email for moms

788
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:26,120
that is much like people who follow me

789
00:41:26,120 --> 00:41:27,880
that want to dive deeper.

790
00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:31,040
I do a once a month ask me anything questions

791
00:41:31,040 --> 00:41:34,000
and I kind of talk, do a little more preachy advice

792
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:36,680
but a lot of it is resources,

793
00:41:36,680 --> 00:41:38,720
something that's really laying on my heart.

794
00:41:38,720 --> 00:41:41,920
I'm tackling something like what we tackled here.

795
00:41:41,920 --> 00:41:44,720
What does it really mean to invite and not to meet?

796
00:41:44,720 --> 00:41:47,200
Like I really go into that like once a week.

797
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:50,120
I have usually a quippy story about my kids

798
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:51,480
that everybody cries about

799
00:41:51,480 --> 00:41:54,160
and then some really good resources

800
00:41:54,160 --> 00:41:56,880
like either a book or a podcast, something like this.

801
00:41:56,880 --> 00:41:59,080
This is where I would share this podcast,

802
00:41:59,080 --> 00:42:00,960
those kinds of things to my email list,

803
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:02,480
which is ever growing.

804
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:06,840
And so any, I, all of that comes out every Wednesday.

805
00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:08,200
You get it into your inbox

806
00:42:08,200 --> 00:42:11,280
and I have a great community there.

807
00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:14,080
And then the last thing I am is I'm working

808
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:17,040
with a publisher on a book, two books.

809
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:21,200
The first one will be all of my essays in a book

810
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:24,480
where I unpack these things a little bit deeper.

811
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:26,600
I think I may be calling it bedtime stories

812
00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:28,320
for moms of bigs.

813
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:31,760
And it's gonna just be like 60 little stories,

814
00:42:31,760 --> 00:42:33,320
a couple months and that'll be going on

815
00:42:33,320 --> 00:42:34,800
mail and not mail. That's a great title.

816
00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:37,160
And then I will have more of a mom self-help book

817
00:42:37,160 --> 00:42:38,280
that's coming out after that.

818
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,120
But yeah, I do have a book coming out.

819
00:42:40,120 --> 00:42:41,480
Fantastic.

820
00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:45,920
Well, we will put those resources and information.

821
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:49,480
I understand if they subscribe to your letter,

822
00:42:49,480 --> 00:42:50,920
they get a free gift.

823
00:42:50,920 --> 00:42:55,920
They get 23, it's like 23 of my little mantras

824
00:42:56,320 --> 00:43:00,640
of how my really things I would tell my adult children.

825
00:43:00,640 --> 00:43:01,480
Okay.

826
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:05,040
And secretly that I tell myself.

827
00:43:05,040 --> 00:43:10,040
I'm very much big about the moms and the kids.

828
00:43:11,080 --> 00:43:12,360
And there's, you know, like I said,

829
00:43:12,360 --> 00:43:16,640
the sacred space where our hearts connects to our homes.

830
00:43:16,640 --> 00:43:17,800
I love them.

831
00:43:17,800 --> 00:43:20,080
I do have everything too on our web, my website,

832
00:43:20,080 --> 00:43:21,600
which is estherjoygets.com.

833
00:43:21,600 --> 00:43:22,600
And I know you'll put that in.

834
00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:23,960
I will put that in.

835
00:43:23,960 --> 00:43:27,600
And I will encourage them though,

836
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:32,040
especially to begin with at least immediately to sign up.

837
00:43:32,040 --> 00:43:36,400
And this will air on June 27th.

838
00:43:36,400 --> 00:43:39,680
And we will have in the show notes,

839
00:43:39,680 --> 00:43:43,320
there'll be information on all of these things.

840
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:45,960
So thank you so much, Joy.

841
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:48,920
Joy, your name is Esther.

842
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:53,320
Joy has been my theme this, the last month.

843
00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:56,280
And so I'm kind of have the word in my mouth.

844
00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:59,080
I love, I love my middle name.

845
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,880
It's a great middle name, but Esther is also a good name.

846
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:03,720
Yeah.

847
00:44:03,720 --> 00:44:08,720
And so I am very grateful that you have joined us.

848
00:44:09,040 --> 00:44:12,800
I have a good audience and they're pretty consistent

849
00:44:12,800 --> 00:44:14,240
and faithful it would appear.

850
00:44:14,240 --> 00:44:17,320
So I'm loving to get to talk to them

851
00:44:17,320 --> 00:44:19,560
and I'm trying to give them different perspectives

852
00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:20,400
on things.

853
00:44:20,400 --> 00:44:24,320
And so they get some hard words a lot of times

854
00:44:24,320 --> 00:44:27,600
and that lead to hard actions.

855
00:44:27,600 --> 00:44:31,760
And I'm trying to help them know more about love

856
00:44:31,760 --> 00:44:35,320
and joy and grace, grace, a lot of grace.

857
00:44:35,320 --> 00:44:37,760
So lots of grace, lots of grace.

858
00:44:37,760 --> 00:44:39,480
So thank you.

859
00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:40,320
Thank you.

860
00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:41,800
And God bless you.

861
00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:42,640
Thank you.

862
00:44:42,640 --> 00:44:43,960
I appreciate it.

863
00:44:43,960 --> 00:44:44,800
Okay.

864
00:44:44,800 --> 00:44:48,400
And to my listeners, be sure you write down

865
00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:51,560
anything you heard from Esther

866
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:54,200
that you want to remember and put in practice.

867
00:44:54,200 --> 00:44:56,360
If you don't write it down, you'll forget.

868
00:44:57,760 --> 00:45:00,480
I know, cause that's what I do.

869
00:45:00,480 --> 00:45:03,120
And then be sure you check the show notes

870
00:45:03,120 --> 00:45:05,960
so you can follow up on the things

871
00:45:05,960 --> 00:45:10,720
that she's talked to us about and go deeper with her.

872
00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:14,920
And I trust you will find with your children,

873
00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:17,920
your loved ones, especially the big ones

874
00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:20,800
who sometimes make it harder to live with,

875
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:24,880
that you're gonna find some really great help.

876
00:45:24,880 --> 00:45:28,200
That things you can do that will make a difference

877
00:45:28,200 --> 00:45:30,680
in your relationship with them

878
00:45:30,680 --> 00:45:35,200
and give you a better chance at a lifetime

879
00:45:35,200 --> 00:45:39,520
of a loving kind of relationship that's full of grace.

880
00:45:39,520 --> 00:45:40,880
So thank you.

881
00:45:40,880 --> 00:45:42,040
Thanks, Esther.

882
00:45:42,040 --> 00:45:42,960
Thank you.

883
00:45:42,960 --> 00:46:09,800
God bless.