Mercy 4-God’s Mercy Rule, episode 98

1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:06,920
If you love a prodigal, you can discover, help, and hope for your wilderness journey

2
00:00:06,920 --> 00:00:11,080
right here at When You Love a Prodigal podcast.

3
00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:15,920
And also help and hope for your own life journey.

4
00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:20,280
In kids' sports, there's often a mercy rule.

5
00:00:20,280 --> 00:00:24,280
All of my children played sports and I got used to it.

6
00:00:24,280 --> 00:00:28,940
If one team would get far ahead, the game would usually be called.

7
00:00:28,940 --> 00:00:35,240
It seems only kind and fair to not embarrass or demoralize these kids who are losing so

8
00:00:35,240 --> 00:00:36,640
badly.

9
00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:42,460
So sometimes it was if you got to seven points or if you got to ten points, then they called

10
00:00:42,460 --> 00:00:45,320
the game rather than drive it up to 20.

11
00:00:45,320 --> 00:00:47,920
It doesn't always happen.

12
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,500
In life, it rarely happens.

13
00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,600
There is no mercy rule.

14
00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:57,160
No rescue from your losses, your hurts, your failures.

15
00:00:57,160 --> 00:01:02,720
But in God's kingdom, there is definitely a mercy rule.

16
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:07,120
Jesus is the one who instituted it for us.

17
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,920
One word describes it.

18
00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:11,440
The word is forgive.

19
00:01:11,440 --> 00:01:21,980
Just as in the first of the mercy lessons that we looked at when the Amish people forgave

20
00:01:21,980 --> 00:01:28,820
the young man and his family, the young man who murdered their children, it was God's

21
00:01:28,820 --> 00:01:31,460
mercy rule.

22
00:01:31,460 --> 00:01:36,360
As he walked on earth, he mentioned it repeatedly.

23
00:01:36,360 --> 00:01:40,920
Here are just a few instances of what Jesus had to say.

24
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:43,280
But go and learn what this means.

25
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:47,060
I desire mercy, not sacrifice.

26
00:01:47,060 --> 00:01:52,520
For I have not come to call the righteous but sinners.

27
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:58,460
It says also in Matthew, all these are from Matthew, I think.

28
00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:05,720
If you had known what these words mean, I desire mercy, not sacrifice, you would not

29
00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,200
have condemned the innocent.

30
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:15,000
And another, shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?

31
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:23,360
And then he says to the teachers of the law and the Pharisees, woe to you, you hypocrites.

32
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:29,760
You give a tenth of your spices, your mint and dill and cumin, but you have neglected

33
00:02:29,760 --> 00:02:35,640
the more important matters of the law, justice, mercy, and faithfulness.

34
00:02:35,640 --> 00:02:41,420
You should have practiced the latter without neglecting the former.

35
00:02:41,420 --> 00:02:47,660
And then Peter came to Jesus and said, Lord, how many times should I forgive my brother

36
00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:50,300
or sister who sins against me?

37
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:53,080
Maybe seven times even?

38
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:59,480
Jesus answered, I tell you not seven times, but 77 times.

39
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,820
That's a pretty big difference.

40
00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:05,700
But Jesus didn't just talk about mercy and forgiveness.

41
00:03:05,700 --> 00:03:13,520
Even as he was hanging on the cross to deliver mercy and purchase forgiveness, he looked

42
00:03:13,520 --> 00:03:20,640
at those who were torturing him and said these amazing words, Father, forgive them for they

43
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:23,400
don't know what they're doing.

44
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:30,560
There he is, miserable on the cross, about to be separated from the Father as he carries

45
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:36,920
all the sins of the world, and he looks at the people who are killing him and says, Father,

46
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:37,920
forgive them.

47
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,800
He gives mercy.

48
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:47,920
We have the genuine model for how we relate to people, treat people, respond to them,

49
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:52,960
extend mercy, and choose to forgive.

50
00:03:52,960 --> 00:03:59,980
But I know many of you, especially if you've been listening to now four podcasts on mercy,

51
00:03:59,980 --> 00:04:04,940
are saying, but how will they learn discipline and responsibility?

52
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:07,920
How will they learn to make right choices?

53
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,560
Don't they need consequences?

54
00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:14,360
Absolutely, essential.

55
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:18,260
But how you do it can make all the difference.

56
00:04:18,260 --> 00:04:27,680
If you can go about having a conversation calmly, engage them, just talk about it.

57
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:34,480
Affirm your love for them and your desire for them to become a responsible, well-functioning

58
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:35,480
adult.

59
00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:41,200
Ask for their input on what would help them move in that direction.

60
00:04:41,200 --> 00:04:48,840
If they get to have a say in this conversation, they're much more likely to live by it.

61
00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:52,200
Outline your desires and needs going forward.

62
00:04:52,200 --> 00:04:58,620
They will be more likely to follow through if they're involved in making these decisions.

63
00:04:58,620 --> 00:05:03,800
You need to seek to maintain relationship above everything.

64
00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:09,200
You don't want to lose the relationship because then they may be gone for good.

65
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,800
And give mercy and grace.

66
00:05:11,800 --> 00:05:18,960
Yesterday, well, when I wrote this, I received an email from a friend whose prodigal son

67
00:05:18,960 --> 00:05:25,880
had abused her gracious and loving efforts to help him make better choices, to show respect,

68
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:31,360
to become responsible, and hopefully to surrender to our God.

69
00:05:31,360 --> 00:05:32,880
What do we do?

70
00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,240
This mother asked.

71
00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:38,800
Her situation may be very different from yours.

72
00:05:38,800 --> 00:05:45,600
She has someone who was old enough to be on his own, but not old enough that he'd become

73
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,240
a functioning adult, really.

74
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:55,760
Hopefully the principles behind these suggestions that I gave her will help you with your loved

75
00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:56,760
one.

76
00:05:56,760 --> 00:06:00,800
Perhaps what I wrote to her will be helpful to you.

77
00:06:00,800 --> 00:06:02,200
So here's what I wrote to her.

78
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:09,840
Dear Anna, not her real name, I am sorry for the continuing conflict and disrespect that

79
00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:12,800
you're having from your son.

80
00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:19,600
Yes, it's time for boundaries, expectations, and consequences.

81
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:23,720
Defined clearly with a timeline.

82
00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:29,920
I would suggest coming up with a list of minimum requirements if he wants to continue to live

83
00:06:29,920 --> 00:06:31,680
at home.

84
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:39,360
Minimum doesn't necessarily mean few, but the minimum efforts at respect and contribution.

85
00:06:39,360 --> 00:06:41,960
Perhaps he pays some rent.

86
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:43,680
He does some chores.

87
00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:48,260
In other words, he makes contributions to the home and the family.

88
00:06:48,260 --> 00:06:51,480
He becomes a contributing member.

89
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:53,160
That's appropriate.

90
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,720
Be specific in your expectations.

91
00:06:55,720 --> 00:07:01,800
We were very specific with our son and said that if he wanted to stay there, he would

92
00:07:01,800 --> 00:07:09,840
not be bringing into our home drugs, alcohol, or having sex with his latest girlfriend.

93
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:15,200
Perhaps a month or two timeline depends on the situation.

94
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:20,400
He will not do it perfectly, so you have to have some grace and mercy.

95
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:27,440
But he must make an honest effort and move forward consistently doing his part.

96
00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:32,960
If he has made good progress with a decent attitude, you might give him, say, another

97
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:39,000
month before you make a decision if he's really getting there and making the right decisions.

98
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:49,280
And you might up your requirements for him or at least look for real consistency, not

99
00:07:49,280 --> 00:07:51,320
perfection.

100
00:07:51,320 --> 00:07:58,760
Probably you don't please God perfectly, but consistency in his efforts to follow through.

101
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:05,760
You can present it ready for this and a conversation full of love and grace, but remind him that,

102
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:12,280
again, he must be a contributing part of the family to live there, and he must move toward

103
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:17,600
learning to be a responsible adult.

104
00:08:17,600 --> 00:08:23,880
You can tell him you've been glad to help him in this time of transition to adulthood,

105
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:28,200
but it is time for him to become that responsible adult.

106
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:34,240
That can happen while he continues to live at your home if he can do so as a contributing

107
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:40,800
family member and demonstrating increasing personal responsibility and ownership of his

108
00:08:40,800 --> 00:08:41,800
life.

109
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:48,720
Then, if he does not agree, it is his choice to move out, not your choice to, quote, kick

110
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,640
him out.

111
00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:56,640
Or if over the month or two you give for him to make significant progress and he does not,

112
00:08:56,640 --> 00:09:01,640
it is his choice, not your choice, that he move on.

113
00:09:01,640 --> 00:09:08,720
If he leaves immediately or after failure to progress as a contributing family member,

114
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:17,200
you must assure him of your love and acceptance and great desire for continued family relationship.

115
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:19,340
He's welcome to come over and visit.

116
00:09:19,340 --> 00:09:24,240
He is desired at family and holiday events, but be prepared.

117
00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:25,280
Ready?

118
00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:28,520
Be prepared to not hear from him for a while.

119
00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:35,000
He will be angry and want to blame you, not take responsibility himself.

120
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:39,760
And when you do hear from him, he might have his hand out because he's desperate for some

121
00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:40,760
money.

122
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:46,840
Sometimes, you may choose to give it to him for something that's a true specific need,

123
00:09:46,840 --> 00:09:51,380
but not on a regular basis and maybe not at all.

124
00:09:51,380 --> 00:09:55,640
Your prodigal is most likely a capable person.

125
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:59,840
You can rightfully make reasonable requirements of them.

126
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:05,920
If he or she has some realities that affect their ability to make good choices, you might

127
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:10,840
have to have some adjusted requirements and expectations.

128
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:15,200
And there's professional help available to do that.

129
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:17,300
I hope these thoughts are helpful.

130
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:23,480
I think grace is paramount, but it is not grace to let him remain irresponsible and

131
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:24,560
dependent.

132
00:10:24,560 --> 00:10:31,760
It is grace to help him move toward becoming a responsible person, but always, always with

133
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:36,760
assurances of your love and desire for relationship.

134
00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:38,920
I am praying for you, my friend.

135
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:42,000
I ended the letter to her.

136
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:49,160
And I'm praying for all of us who love a prodigal that God will give us his grace and wisdom

137
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:58,040
as we seek to woo these wanderers back to him and to us, grateful, grateful, so grateful

138
00:10:58,040 --> 00:11:04,760
for the mercy that God has given so generously to us and to our loved ones.

139
00:11:04,760 --> 00:11:12,000
And again, he wants it to flow through us, that they receive mercy from us, that we follow

140
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,000
God's mercy rule.

141
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:23,680
Questions for you, when have you been grateful that God gave you mercy rather than what you

142
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,120
deserved?

143
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:32,640
Can you consider when you can do the same for your prodigal?

144
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:42,160
Next week, we will begin with episode 99, a two-week celebration for our 100th episode.

145
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:47,480
I hope you'll invite a friend to listen with you.

146
00:11:47,480 --> 00:11:48,480
Thanks so much.

147
00:11:48,480 --> 00:12:13,360
God bless you.