Nancy Squires: Just Be Held Retreats, episode 151

0:00 If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey right here at When You Love a Prodigal and also help and hope for your own life journey. And like I always do, I encourage you to notice things that you want to apply, things that really will help you in your journey, and to take a minute to write them down. I mean, some of you will remember, but most of us, if we don't write it down, we forget. So I just want you to come away with really practical help. Now today, I am chatting with Nancy Squires, and she's a new friend. We had a wonderful conversation recently, and we're looking forward to this one today as well. And she has a ministry called the Just Be Held Retreats, and we're going to get to learn what those are, how they came about, and how you might engage. So thank you, Lord, for that. I just pray that you would guide our conversation today. Welcome, Nancy. Thank you, Judy. I am so honored that you would have me on and find out about Just Be Held, and hopefully this will be encouraging to your audience and gives a little bit of hope to those some ladies who struggle. I think it will definitely. So

1:37 let's dive right in. I loved learning about your ministry, and I think these friends will as well. Just Be Held retreats. Where did that name come from? The song or something else? So the song was my inspiration for the name. So there were some many dark days for me living in living in the chaos and pain of some of my prodigal kids, and that is plural. And the song Just Be Held was on repeat for me. And it literally, you know, in the song, it says, freedom and surrender, lay it down and let it go. And then later in the song, you're not alone, stop holding on and just be held. And I finally had to take those words to heart. And I, that was my repeat. And it just got me through some dark times. So once, and I'll go in a little bit more in a moment, but once I got maybe on the other side a little bit, or through some of the darkest woods, that just just Be Held. Like God just told me I was being held by Him. So that is where the name came from. That is where it came from. Well, go ahead and give us a little

3:08 insight into the story that led to it. Yeah. So, you know, my story, it's, I was what I would call a normal family, I guess. Things were sort of trucking through. I had a husband that traveled all the time. We had four kids. And it was about 15 years ago, I got a phone call. And one of my children was cutting. And the person on the other side of the end of the line said, did you know? And I said, no, I did not. And I spiraled. And I was thrown into a world I didn't want to be part of. Yeah. Yeah. And thrown into this, what do I do now? Where do I get help? I don't even know how to respond to this child. So it just, I ended up, I smiled on the outside, but I was crying and screaming on the inside. And God, why are you doing this? With the cutting came mental illness.

4:10 And a lot of other just behaviors that I had to grieve. That's not how my child was or should be or life. How did this happen? Right. Like, what is going on? So anyway, I was in a sort of a dark, you know, that's when I started, I think, just be held, you know, all songs, I have to get into songs, sort of carried me through. And so this child, we continued, we tried to get help, all of that. And then a couple of years later, I had another child, another phone call that ended up this child with suicidal. Oh, dear. And the reason this child was suicidal is that they came out, they were part of the LGBTQ community. And they were afraid of me. They were afraid not only what society was going to do, but they were afraid of me and my reaction, which broke my heart. I was going to say, and that was hurtful to you, I'm sure. Yeah, it was, but it made me go, wait a minute. Like, they're afraid of me, but I love them unconditionally. Like, I don't, don't be afraid of me. Like, I'm just me home base. So that's the moment I decided I didn't have to be right or wrong.

5:39 I just had to love them. I had to love my kids. That's about the best decision you could make. Yeah. And God just told me, Hey, you know, you aren't compromising your beliefs. You're doing exactly what I'm asking you to do, which is love your kids unconditionally. Okay, I want you to say that again, because I think that's one of the most important things that people whose kids are making decisions we don't like or agree with that we understand. We, we don't have to approve of their choices, but we still love them. And that's what they need to hear. They know we don't approve.

6:21 And so we need to focus on the ways that we can make sure they know they're loved. Right, right. And my, my, both my children, they raised in a Christian home and they led small groups. They, we read the Bible daily. They, and they told me, Mom, we don't need to hear the Bible verses. We don't need, we know, we know these are our choices, mom. These are our choices. Stop with the hounding and, and I did. I, I had to choose to let it go. Not to be right or wrong.

7:03 I had to love unconditionally. That's what God was calling me to do is love my kids unconditionally. So that's what I did. And then, then were there more? There was more to my stories. This playoffs in pain. Did not stop. You know, the, the child with mental illness and cutting and all that goes with that continued. We were learning to live and adjust to having a child in the LGBT community and how to love well. Then, and we moved around a lot. We ended up, you know, I was struggling to find resources. I couldn't find resources for me in the community we were living in. So we actually moved hoping to find better resources, not only for my child, but for my husband and I. Yes. And we ended up down in Orlando and Florida and found a great resource that was our lifeline and sort of gave us a little bit of hope and encouragement through that.

8:18 And then we are younger two kids. So we have four kids. The younger two kids were getting older. They were still in elementary school at this time. The other ones were high school and college. And so here we go into middle school and we had a child that decided drugs and alcohol were going to be his choice. The escape. Yeah. The escape from whatever was going on. And maybe, you know, a lot of different things, but that was his escape, his away, his rebellion. You know, lots of issues going that go hand in hand with that, stolen cars, you know, skipping school, all of that. And yeah, I know all of that. A lot of us can relate to that. So, you know, I'm living with the chaos and the pain now have three kids I'm trying to juggle. And there again, I was trying to juggle all this was a whole faith walk for me. And looking back, I can see how God faithfully walked with me with every little incident. And these weren't just one off incidences. I think we can all relate to that. You know, it's the rebellion one day and the I'm going, it might look a little different for day to day, but it's going, it's happening.

9:45 Right. Right. And I was getting to the point that bone rig and my heart skipped, you know, a beat. So every time. So I just, it was a faith walk. And I just had to walk with that. My chaos, my pain was not over. Just with that, we ended up, there is a one of our children, we found out another child was suicidal. And so scary. It's very scary. This time I actually found the child. And, but all of that was geared around. We found out that they had been sexually abused by a distant family member. And so scary. They died. God was thankful. He had surrounded this child with a perfect group of adults that I trusted, but I didn't know all of that was going on. And they were very safely walking with that child. And let me say, I am saying that child a lot. I do need to clarify this. I was, I'm saying that child or this child, I am protecting my children. I don't blame you. They have given me permission to talk about my story, but the details of their stories are their details. So I try to be a little, I've the maybe vague side and just tell my, that's okay. But I just think that's important for me to tell,

11:21 to say. Yes. But so this child, God was faithful, surrounded this child with a lot of support until that child was ready to come to my father, to his father and I. And that's okay. Okay. Chaos and pain continued that when the only thing I ended up, my husband had an addiction that I could have walked away. I feel like I had caused a walk away. We were on the verge of divorce. It was very hard. God also took my father from me. He died of pancreatic cancer right at the same time I found out about my husband. And so very, very, and then I had this rebellious teenager, high school person at this point. I had young adults that were struggling to even survive in life.

12:13 And I had now this child that was suicidal and we're trying to work with them on the effects of the abuse, the long term effects of that. So chaos and pain, I've lived it. So were you at a loss for your, I mean, were you ready to throw in the towel to give up or what happened? So, God and I have had many, many conversations of what are you doing? Why is this, why putting my family through this? Why so many years? Why time after time after incident after situation, when is this all going to stop? How strong do you think I am? Right? I can't keep going.

13:06 But he can't and he helped me through it. And I got to a point that I had to let go of the why. And I started thinking about what, what God, but God kept telling me, wait, it's not time. And I got to a point, God, in fact, when the child, one of my children came to me that was suicidal at a point, I said, okay, God, I mean, my first response was, okay, God, what are you going to do with this? What? Like, I stopped, I rolled and said, what you're going to do? How are you going to, how are you going to be glorified through this? And I can't wait to see it. Can't wait to see what you are going to do with the chaos and the pain, because I want to glorify you through it all. That's a wonderful response. Yeah, it's not easy. It's a long journey. It wasn't one day I was mad and the next day I was okay. And I'm still not okay. I still go, okay, God, what? Because my story does not have a pretty bow on it yet. I have had other suicidal attempts. I have had two beautiful grandchildren out of wedlock, born out of wedlock. Our lives continues to be chaotic.

14:32 It's just the word I was thinking. And, but we're all okay. And we have relationship with one another. Oh, now that's a gift. So, and I know it doesn't always end that way. I am very aware of that. But I think the reason maybe, well, the reason is because that's how God wanted it. Let me say that. And God's faithful. And whatever comes, all I know is I can only do what God's told me to do. And that is to love my children unconditionally. My husband, my children, and I have a relationship.

15:18 My husband and I are still married. We have a great relationship. God's wonderful to healing. And I know that doesn't always happen. But that's what our story is. Everybody's story is different. But everybody, what is common with all of our stories with our protocols, is God is faithful. God is faithful. Absolutely. When he's right there, he's with the broken hearted. He hears your, he sees every tear, every cry. He's strong enough to take your screaming and yelling at him. He's faithful. And how did the ministry that you also have now, how did that come about?

16:08 So, you know, like I said earlier, I was, look, I'd gotten to the point, I was looking for the what God, how are you going to be glorified with all of this mess? And I ended up at a retreat. And I didn't know why God had me go. I had a friend that just wanted me to go with her for support. And I'm like, okay, I feel like I've sort of passed the woods. But okay, I'll go. God, what do you want from me? And he very quickly, once I got to the retreat, I woke up the night, the first morning, and I had some quiet time to myself. And he went, will you rest? Rest. And it wasn't physical rest. It was mental rest. He said, just rest. Stop thinking. Stop trying to put all these pieces together. Stop trying to solve problems. Stop and rest. Well, the very first session within the first two sentences, the speaker said rest. And I'm like, okay, you have my attention now. Rest. I got you. I'll rest. Well, I calmed my mind through this retreat. By the end of the retreat, God gave me my ministry, just be held ministries. And he told me I want you to use your pain, chaos and pain, your gift of hospitality and administration. And I want you to hold the

17:39 treats for ladies. And that is what I did. I left, I went to lunch with my husband, and I said, I'm starting retreats. I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know what's up. I don't know. I'm just doing it. And so I jumped in feet first and developed this retreat for women who have family members with mental illness or addictions or the ladies are just grieving loss of life expectations. That's I yeah, I wanted them to have a reprieve. I wanted them to get away for 48 hours and be able to find rest, hope, encouragement and connection.

18:31 Very small. It's only 2020 24 ladies a retreat twice a year. And that's, that's what I do. And what happens at these retreats? So it is incredible what God does. God holds these ladies. The team of that just be held loves these ladies helps them to feel seen, heard and loved. You don't have to, the ladies that come to this retreat don't have to explain anything. We all get it. That's great because they always, mostly it's like they just, they don't understand. And so to come to a place where they can be understood and the pain and the loss and the fear that, that accompany it. So that's a beautiful thing. Yeah. So many days I felt lonely, lost, judged. Oh yeah, judged. I was guilt felt false guilt. What is what I now know is false guilt. But I just, I felt alone. And my retreats help ladies feel not alone. They're not alone. So they come to these retreats and they just

20:05 know and love what God does. And he has not failed. We've had six retreats already. Everyone, it's the same thing. Friday night, these ladies come now, they don't know anybody. Right. For the most part, some people come with friends. But for the most part, everybody's just coming and they don't know anybody. And so there you can see the ear on their face. The, the, they're sort of holding back. They're guarded because aren't we all, as we walk with our protocols guarded? Oh yes. People don't want others to know they, they fear judgment. So they do fear that judgment. And so they're sort of, they come on Friday, sort of what's going on by Sunday.

20:59 They, they are laughing. They are smiling. They don't want to leave. They have made new friends. They have heard speakers and talk about hope and encouragement, giving them some tools for themselves. Like what kind of tools? So we talk about the cup, the emotional cup is a big one that we talk about. So, you know, what's down in your emotional cup. So through, we talk about that. We talk about the armor of God and how you can put on the armor of God and you can walk out and be a warrior. One of the retreats, it was you're coming into this, you're leading the retreat as a battle cry. Interesting. Like that's my battle. Like I can suit up for God. So there's lots of different things. My retreat or not about the solution to the circumstances at home.

22:11 My retreat is for the ladies that come and their hearts. I want them to find rest. So rest that it might be physical. I had one lady that disappeared for five hours and I was like, where'd she go? You know, and my retreats are small. So it's not like I'm keeping up with you. I just noticed she was in a group. I noticed she didn't go to a small group. And I'm like, where is she? Well, she popped up. She showed up. She took a five hour nap. Sounds awesome. Right? Right. So I was like, great. So physical rest, mental rest, this time to just a lot of ladies, there's some swings and you can put your feet up. It's the hammock swings.

22:58 A lot of my ladies disappear. And you know, often do we, when we're in this chaos and pain at home, have a chance just to let it just relax. Yes. Right. We do that. Hope and encouragement, focusing on look to God. You can find joy. Joy is there amongst the chaos and pain. You can have joy because we have God. We have Jesus. We have the Holy Spirit in us. So do you have activities or conversations or guided things that help them to come to that place? So we have, so we large groups, there's four of them throughout the whole weekend. And after every large group, we have a small group, that small group, and we divide them as best we can into maybe situations if we can. We all have things in common, doesn't matter what our situations are. But we divide them into small groups and then five ladies, five, six, maybe seven, but we try to keep it at five or six ladies in the U.S.

24:12 simulate what you just heard. So it gives them a chance to sort of process what they heard here. You do not have to tell your stories. Some ladies do. Some ladies don't. And that is perfectly fine. We are not here yet. You know, they don't have to reveal everything. But we do want them just to assimilate what the speakers are talking about. They may talk about their emotional, oh, I never thought about that emotional cup. Wait a minute, you know, that false guilt, the shame, the fear, the anger that's down in that cup. What is that? And how can we counter that?

24:54 How can we counter that? How can we put on and suit up with the armor of God? What are these tools that we're talking about? Self-care, things like that. And how can you implement that when you go home? So that's what our small groups are for. Then we have a whole afternoon of free time so they can go hiking. It's in the beautiful North Georgia mountains. So they can go hiking if they want. They can walk around. There's a lake. Sometimes we have the kayaks and paddleboards available to us at this where we hold this. And so people get out on the lake. They walk around the lake. They sit and talk. We have crafts in the, you know, during free time. Do they have to do the crafts? No, they don't have. I am not a crafty person.

25:51 Did you? I'm not at all. And I can remember so many retreats where they expect you to do crafts. And I'm like, I think I'll go read a book. So don't have to. We provide all of that environment so that ladies get to do what they want to do. Like, go do what you want to do. And make, I want this retreat to be for the ladies and let them make it what they want need. What do you need? We also always have a prayer warrior on site. So now, so if they want to just sit, it was someone in prayer, they can. They can do that. They can sit and talk. Many times I've sat. There's some rocking chairs out by fire pit and they sit and then we just talk and have conversations.

26:44 Sounds pretty heavenly. Yeah, at night there is fire pits. So we like those fire pits and we all sit around the rocking chairs, excuse me, sit around the rocking chairs and have conversations like not about our situations, but just conversations, you know, which favorite movie or whatever, you know, and then some people do. I mean, we do. Hey, can you help me walk through some, maybe how I can handle some things? There are conversations like that. Don't get me right where people even share how they've learned to respond to deal with to love in spite of that kind of thing.

27:26 Correct. Correct. So the retreat is just a place to find God, a place to look to God. We encourage, you know, just let's look to God. We have wonderful worship music that sets the tone before every large group and the ladies are fabulous. And just tuning our hearts toward God because he's faithful. He's right there. He's holding you and you're not alone. And so hopefully by the end of the retreat, they has found rest. They have a little bit more of hope and encouragement to walk forward on their journey and they've connected not only with God, but with others.

28:17 And they now know they're not alone. And even though you don't focus on solutions, how to handle it, they will undoubtedly between the peace that they get, the hope that they get, they also will hear some stories and get some ideas of things that have been helpful, I would imagine. Yes, they do. They do. So just like I briefly told my story, I go a little bit more in depth with my story. I tell some resources that have helped me. There is one of our sessions that's nothing about except tools to how to get back into life. And we lay out a lot of resources.

29:08 Well, I would be grateful if you would send me those so I can put them in the show notes and people could pick up from those. Some of those, the ones that are broad enough to be helpful to a number of people. Yes, we can do that. So we talk about that last session is all about, okay, so how are you going to invest in rest? How are you going to invest in hope? How are you going to invest in encouragement? How are you going to invest in connection? So here you are. You've come off of an off ramp for 48 hours and the highway of life and you've come off on an off ramp, you've filled up at the hit pause. Yeah, hit pause. You took a little break. Now you're on the on ramp and that's when we start talking about the investment in all of those and what does that look like and what are some resources you can use and have? I love it. That just sounds really wonderful.

30:06 And so I would encourage our listeners to think since your your retreats are not large and you can't open them to the world at this point, how would you encourage people to get that kind of benefit if they're not where you live and not running into you and and you're the people who attend. They live on the other side of the world. Of course, you don't you live all over the world, don't you? I live all over the world. So for your listeners, I am I am the Nomad, recent Nomad and I travel the world with my husband. You're right that I come back to North Georgia twice a year and put on these retreats. We actually have had people from Canada.

31:02 Really? Yes, people from Seattle, Washington have come. They fly they you know a lot of people some people fly in and we have shuttles from the Atlanta Airport app to the retreats. So but I normally about four months before my retreats open up registration and so it's my retreats are usually in August. I may change it to September this next year but August and February so they can sign up to come to the retreat. But if they can't come to the retreat, we also offer scholarships but they can apply for scholarships. But if they can't come to the retreat, I just encourage them I have a page of resources. Good. Some of the resources that I have direct you to other people's resources. So there are resources out there. There are from individual resources like individual coaching to group, virtuals, even there are a lot of virtual groups that I recommend. So and they're on my page. So that yeah, if you can't I highly recommend you find a group that whether it's virtual or not that or in person that you can

32:33 connect with women that understand and get it. And maybe they could contact you and get input. Yes, they can. Yes, they can Nancy at just be held.org Nancy at just be held.org. I would love to talk with somebody and help direct them. I can help talk to them. You know, I'm not an expert. I am just a mom but you're experienced. I'm a mom and a wife that yes, experience. I've walked it and I can tell you what I've done. So kind of wrapping this up. How can you just share with with our listeners what are the most important takeaways that you would want them to come away with to change maybe the dynamic in their family or the peace in their heart or what are the most important things that will help them go forward and be patient waiting on what God's doing. Give yourself grace. You're grieving the loss of life expectations. Yeah, you're grieving. So give yourself some grace.

34:04 Give yourself, allow yourself to have self care. Allow yourself to have self care. You cannot help anyone else if you are empty. You know, that's true. Yeah, quiet time with God walks. What's group? And what is one of the most important things you've learned about God? He is faithful. He is faithful and he is right with me. And he knows what's going on. He does. He's right there.

34:44 He sees every tear, everything our kids do think he's right there. We're not alone. We are not alone in this. He's faithful. Nancy, thank you so much. I will put connection information and resources in our show notes so that people can just get some things that will be helpful to them. But I love what you're doing because having walked through it myself, it's a pretty hard journey. And it's really easy to get overwhelmed and to feel like reminding God, I can't do this.

35:33 This is beyond me, beyond my capacity. And also to recognize the fact that we get, we get judged that our children or husband also make such choices. What did you do wrong? I actually have a friend who, when she talked about both of her children who were making some not great choices, and she was sharing with friends so that they would help her, you know, encourage her, pray with her. They said, well, tell us what you did wrong so we don't do it. And I went, no, no, no. You've been there. And so one of the things you're doing is providing a place for people to rest. And that's so important. I just had somebody tell me, I probably ought to rest more. And giving us grace, grace is probably my most important word when in the years when our son was the hardest, God said to me, when you make mistakes with this boy, and you will, and yes, I certainly have, he says, make them on the side of grace.

36:58 So it's not only grace for ourselves, but even giving grace to the ones who are breaking our hearts, who are endangering themselves. And so thank you, thank you, such a good, hopeful thing. And if you can't get into Nancy's retreats, the just be held, just think about that. I'm just going to go and let God hold me. What a great thought. But also maybe God wants you speaking to my listeners. Maybe he's got such a thing for you and you can learn from Nancy and do something similar. Or you can try and go better sign up fast. So I would imagine that they fill out pretty quickly. But any last words besides grace, say grace again, always grace, always grace, God's faithfulness and grace to others, then yourself. I will say in a just be held ministries.org is my website. Justbeheldministries.org is the website that has all the information about the retreat. It also has information about my ministry as a whole. It has all my resources on it. It has a page for donations so we can fund those scholarships for ladies. So justbeheldministries.org

38:28 is the place to find me besides my email. And we will put all of that in the show notes for the podcast. And people can trust you'll get some contacts because I think you have a lot to offer. Well, I want these ladies, I want your listeners to hear you're not alone. And you're gonna be okay. Thank you. Thanks so much. God bless you. Thank you, Judy.