Stefani Monn-House of Hope, episode 145

0:00 If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your world on this journey right here, and when you love a prodigal podcast. And also help and hope for your own life journey. Most of us, as we encounter challenges with our loved ones, try to handle it by ourselves. But as time goes on, we often need more help, maybe professional counseling or medical attention, some kind of intervention, spiritual guidance, various kinds of programs could all come into play to get help that you might need. If you've listened often to this podcast, you know, we eventually placed our son in a local residential program called House of Hope, that we as his parents also participated in. It was helpful in many ways, but our son wasn't consistent in living out what he learned there. Today, I'm chatting with Stephanie Mann, who also went through the House of Hope program. She is coming to tell us about her journey before, during, and after those months. I heard her share a bit at a House of Hope event that I attended.

1:11 She's now a school teacher. She teaches calculus way over my head. So welcome, Stephanie. Stephanie. Thank you very much, Judy. I am so glad that you're here. Thank you for being willing to share your story, to offer some insights and stories from your experience that will help our audience who may be wrestling with some similar kind of situations. So let's just start at the beginning. Tell us some about your childhood and your family and where that took you. Okay. My childhood was very tumultuous. It was a time where I didn't feel like I really belonged.

2:01 I always looked out at other kids in my class, kids in my neighborhood, and I just felt these deep thoughts inside of me that I can never really shake, that I was different, but not different in a good way, that there was something broken about me and something that to be ashamed of and just like I really didn't belong in the world that I'd been placed in. So just struggled with a lot of self-worth issues from a very young age. I was very depressed, child, very dark child. I've had an opportunity to talk to some of my former teachers, people that were in my life that recognized there was something. They just couldn't quite put their finger on it. But what they didn't know was, and something that I never would have wanted to openly share with them, was that I had been abused from about the age of four. And that just really, unfortunately, began a dark journey for me to just try to fix myself. And like many young people, even as a child, I looked for things that I thought would make me maybe not feel as badly as I did. And I turned to substances. It really didn't matter what there was, but whether it was some pills or something to drink started abusing things like

3:34 that from a very young age again, and just kind of an attempt to numb myself. And you had access to things like that? I did. Unfortunately, in our home, there was access to primarily prescription medications and to alcohol. And as I got older, I actually became quite well-versed and fevery and found out there was places that I could attain things to drink and still pill pills from people, other family members, friends, family, friends, families.

4:21 I was just really trying again to fix myself. And there was a lot of really great people in my life that, again, recognized there was something off with this kid. There was definitely something was wrong with this kid, but just had a hard time getting me to talk to them truthfully about what was really happening in my life. So I'd make excuses and got really good at lying, really good at stealing, really good at running away. And what happened when you were gone away?

5:02 Well, I really never ran away for very long. I would bounce from different people within my family. I never found myself actually out on the streets. I was quite lucky that either a family member would find me and bring me back or I'd end up at a friend's home. I never really found myself in a really bad spot after I ran away until I actually got into the House of Hope. That's another story, but I ran away from the House of Hope and ended up in a part of town that I was not familiar with. Before going to the House of Hope, I was pretty familiar with where to run and where to hide out and stuff. And where to get what you wanted.

5:45 Right. But I would say that it started with the abuse and then that led to depression. I didn't even know it was depression. I just knew I was always really sad, really angry, acted out, got in trouble. I don't even recall when I first had my first drink of alcohol, but I know I hated the way it tasted. It was actually, I'd stolen hot beers, but I liked the calm that it gave me. It gave me a sense of numbness. I didn't have to think about how dirty I felt, how terrible I felt, how shameful I was of who I thought I was at that time. But as I got older, the depression got so very dark that I became suicidal.

6:33 And I attempted suicide three times. The first time I attempted to hang myself. Second time, I actually threw myself out of a car that was moving. And the third time, the third and final time, thank goodness, it was a drug overdose. And the one that was the most serious, it was actually the event that brought me to the House of Hope. I was at us. I had been released from the hospital. I was placed in a psychiatric hospital. And my high school principal who had taken an interest in me had seen something that a lot of other people didn't see, but just saw this. I guess this kid who was in trouble didn't have a whole lot of support. He was afraid that I was going to just be placed into the system and into foster care without any support, without any intervention. And without me knowing that he was even involved in my life, I barely knew this man or what he was up to. But while I was off campus and being hospitalized and then in a psychiatric center, he began to look for a place for me and somehow came across a woman's name and her home phone number and just happened to call her on Saturday morning while she was just working at her home, introduced himself and asked her if she could give me a home that I had no

8:10 place to really go to and that he was hoping that she could help me give me a Christian home because he was afraid that once the Department of Children Services got involved that things would ... They'd give me a place to stay, but it wasn't going to be a home. They'd give me a place to stay, but he really wanted me to be in a position where I would have help. And he was a godly man and he was hoping that he could find a godly, a Christian home for me to be placed in. LWJ Wow. One question on when you tried to take your life twice before this. Were there any things that were done to help you after that?

8:52 LWJ The first time my mother actually found me when I had hung myself and she... It was a very crude... I had used a purse strap from a bunk bed in my bedroom and she heard I guess the flailing and came in and I was in elementary school. I was young. I was small. She was able to lift me up and pull me out of that. And when she asked me what I was doing, I recall thinking, oh, wow, now I got to talk to her about things. But she asked me what I was doing. I said that I was just pretending to be a cowboy, where cowboys hang people from trees. And we never spoke about it again.

9:39 LWJ Okay. LWJ She was in deep denial and understood that there was something definitely wrong with me, but there was a whole lot wrong with her. And I think that it was just really hard for her to wrap her head around the idea that her daughter was attempting to kill herself. And I don't remember going to a doctor or being checked out or anything after that. I know I didn't go to counseling. I remember there being people telling me that I was possessed and I was demonic. And that just made me even less likely to open up to people and explain to them what was really going on. And where the real self-hatred was being taken place. And I wasn't just abused at once at four years old. I continued to be abused. So I was still being abused at this age and just really looking for a way to get out. And the adults in my life that you would have thought, especially as an adult looking back, the adults that could have stepped in and made the abuse stop, just didn't take those steps.

11:02 LWJ So even when you said as you would run away that you would end up with other family members, but none of them stepped in to help beyond letting you be with them for a time? AMT Yeah. I had aunts and uncles and a grandmother who my grandmother was very close. I was very close to my grandmother. But again, they all recognized there was something very, very, very wrong with me. Again, some of them were a part of Christian congregations and they would have prayers for me. They were some that actually used the word possessed, that I was demon possessed. But that was just a lot easier, I think, way for them to wrap their heads around it than to really delve deeper into what makes a child do and say and behave the way that I was behaving at such a young age. I can tell you that. It was an ancestral situation. So I could not get away from my abuser. I was made to feel that I was not in a position where I could be completely honest with my family because this person was someone of authority and was someone who other people had

12:32 different ideas about. But the second time I attempted suicide, I threw myself out of a car. I was a little bit older. I would say I was probably fifth or sixth grade and just wasn't even a car. Actually, I was off the back of a truck, threw myself out to the back of a truck and was just suicide. I thought it would kill me. But again, in retrospect, I mean, a lot of people have car accidents and don't die. But it was just some act of desperation. Just wanted to avoid what I knew was coming in the next couple of weeks. I just wanted to not be around for the holidays when I would be around family again. Wow. I'm sorry for all of that. A lot of hearts stopped. So you ended up at House of Hope. I did. What did you think when you ended up? Was it like, you didn't really know what it was? I mean, I was discharged from a psychiatric hospital, placed in a car. I can't tell you where I spent that first night, but it wasn't at the House of Hope. The next morning, placed in a car and was driven. It was about two hours from the hospital to the House of Hope in Orlando. I remember refusing to even sit in the back seat. I just laid in the back of this car

14:08 on the floorboards. At that point, I was just really angry with myself. I had failed. Yeah, I had failed. At 16 years old, I thought that I had finally figured out how to end my life and escape the pain, the shame. Here I was having to deal with it. I was being told I was going to go live in a new location in a town that I had no real connections to. I remember them driving.

14:51 I remember there was a gravel driveway. I remember they were been on the interstate. It was right off of I-4 in Michigan. It was the old campus. I remember gravel and then slowing down. I knew I was getting close. I knew I didn't have an option. I wasn't going to be able to stay in that car. I was going to have to get out. I had no other place to go. It was on a Saturday. Early in the morning, I don't know if it was a Sunday morning. I can't remember, but there wasn't a whole lot going on. This woman who just came out of a house, she heard the car. She knew we were approaching. She came out and opened up her arms, expecting me to walk into her arms and her warm embrace. I remember thinking, what in the world is she up to? I am not going to...

15:44 Everyone was always up to something. I introduced herself and said that her name was Sarah Trollinger and she welcomed me to the House of Hope. I remember being quite sarcastic and laughing. Just the name sounded really corny to me, House of Hope. Then to have this woman who just, again, just seemed to already have fallen in love with me, sight unseen. It was giving me a place to live. It just seemed really, really spooky for someone who was coming from my background. Was the program in action then? Were you put in a room with some other girls?

16:30 So there were actually two houses on the same property. I was assigned a room in a house in a house parent and assigned to one of the bunk rooms. Again, I remember everyone was so very nice. The first thing they did was give me clean linens and some clean clothes to wear. I didn't really bring very much with me. I remember them being really concerned about whether I'd eaten anything. Just like generally concerned and making me comfortable and making me feel at home. Very surreal and gave me a tour of the property and explained to me that I was actually medicated, quite heavily medicated after I had left the psychiatric hospital.

17:29 I remember them being concerned about just how I was going to handle that amount of medication. I don't know that they had had anybody in the program up to that point that had some of the mental health issues that I was being treated for at that time. But they navigated through that. They sought assistance. I think I was one of the first people who really needed intensive counseling. I had never spoken to a counselor outside of the psychiatric hospital. What went on? How you adapted and what was good and what was challenging for you?

18:19 So like most programs, when you start, you start on orientation and you have very few real privileges. You have to earn those privileges. I think you come in and you're on level one or whatever. It was quite an adjustment. Although I had all of these incredible new things at my disposal, just like having some really sweet people. I wasn't thinking of them as sweet at the time. I had sisters all of a sudden that I was living with, my roommates, bunkmates. I remember just being really super cautious. I didn't want to show very much of who I was. I remember being, they may have thought I was shy, but I was just really began just by rebelling. I didn't want to really interact very much with anyone. Again, just getting the lay of the land, figuring out what was really going on here. There was a lot of talk about Jesus. I had my grandmother and I was aware of Jesus and Christianity. I had been to Sunday school. I had been a part of churches before, but again, I had a very bitter taste in my mouth for anything that had to do with religion.

19:53 I had a very difficult time getting off that first level, I remember. As I got a little bit more comfortable with being there, my true rebellious nature came out. I didn't like being told what to do. Just was a lot of anger under the… That goes on to the rest of life. Nobody likes being told what to do. No. It could have just been chores. The way that things were handled, you had chores. It were things that you might be in kitchen chore, dishes and stuff. I was very fair and equitable, but I would argue just about the… It was ridiculous, but I would argue about every little thing in the beginning.

20:45 I especially had issues with some of the women who were house parents because they were day in and day out. They were the ones that would really try to tumble us and supervise us. I had a terrible mouth. My language was terrible. It wasn't something Sarah wanted to hear, but that was just how I talked. Everything was… I would try not to get in too much trouble with my mouth, but I can remember being really mouthy and being given more chores. I got to a point at one point where I was… Is it dinner? I had said something I shouldn't have. I said, well, the house parent would say, well, you're going to wash dishes next week also. I was like, next week's not my week.

21:31 Exactly. You're going to have to wash dishes for another week. I cursed again. I was like, now it's three weeks. By the end of this, I was like, I was going to be washing dishes for 15 years the way I was talking back. I got into an argument at the table after we got out of the kitchen. After we got up to the dining hall and into the kitchen, I continued to argue with this poor woman, and then I threatened her and happened to have a knife was in the kitchen. I threatened to cut her. I meant it. I was so very angry at that point. That was the night I ran away from the House of Hope.

22:18 I just had no idea where I was. I'm on Michigan Street, not very far from OBT and I4. I didn't know which direction to run in, but I ended up running down OBT towards Paramore. I believe that the Lord really kept me safe that night. I had some ideas of what was out there, but I didn't realize that we were really very close to some of the seediest places in Orlando and some places that could have definitely hindered the path that I had been placed in the House of Hope and how I was slowly making progress. But if I had not been brought back that night, I hate to think of what would have happened. So I came back. There was an officer that brought me back, an OPD officer.

23:22 I think I stuck out pretty much. I was walking down the sidewalk looking how I did, not really dressed for walking the street. I'm a young skinny girl. I didn't think I stood out. I mean, I had the walk. I had the talk. I had the attitude for sure, but I think a seasoned cop could see that I was definitely out of place. Sarah had an opportunity. Sarah could have kicked me out. She definitely, I had made a terrible mistake. That is one thing they do. And could have pressed charges easily for the threat that I made. And I still don't know why they didn't.

24:05 I think there's a lot of places I could have been at that they definitely would have pressed charges and that would have been all there was for me. I would have just been back in the system. But she gave me a do-over. And the woman who I threatened gave me a do-over. I mean, she could have definitely have carried a lot of bitterness and anger for the way I behaved and treated her. So I started over back on level one. But this time, something had definitely changed in me. And I was willing to meet them halfway. And I think at that same time was when my Christian counseling, I was going to counseling several days a week. I would get in a van and they would take me to counselors in Winter Park. I don't know if House of Hope paid for it because I know it had to be incredibly expensive. But there were people who were supporting House of Hope and were thankfully enabling me to get some just very intensive counseling.

25:05 Intensive and quality. Yes. No, it was. And they continued to, even after I left the House of Hope, they continued and I was in foster, in one of their foster homes, continued to make sure that I got the counseling that I needed going forward. So after I came back from that runaway attempt and really started working the program, I think that that was when I realized I could have been in jail, big jail, not little girl jail. I could have been in big jail. And I could have not been able to turn around that it would have been irreversible. And at this point in time, I remember there, I mean, I had gotten to the point where, yes, I was still very depressed. I was still very shameful. I didn't want anyone to know what had brought me there. Some of the girls were very open with their stories and they were willing to share. I was very closed. I just felt very, very ashamed. And I felt like it had all been my fault. And there was a scripture that Sarah shared with me after I ran away and came back.

26:30 And it's in Micah 7.9. And it talks about our iniquities and our sins and how the Lord would stomp them under His feet and then pick them up and throw them into the sea of forgetfulness. And that imagery of the sins that had been placed upon me, the sins I had assumed as my own, the sins that because of the sin that had been placed upon me, I had made my own sin. All that sin that I carried around, my sin and other sin that could be trampled, had could be stomped out, then could be picked up, the remnants of it, and thrown into a sea of forgetfulness. That was definitely where my thinking changed. And if God was willing to not just forgive me, but to forget, because I couldn't forget. I was awakened every night with nightmares.

27:28 That was another problem I had. I was sleep deprived all the time because I had just terrible night terrors nearly every night while I was at House of Hope that if he could do that. Were they aware of that? Yes. They actually bought me some headphones and I would go to bed at night listening to scripture being read on cassette tapes. They tried music, but there was so much trauma that even when my conscious mind could shut it down, it just appeared that as soon as my would go to sleep, that my unconscious and my subconscious, it was just like on flashbacks, just constantly being reintroduced to trauma that had occurred. And so, they tried lots of things. A lot of things work, thank goodness, but especially prayer and the love that they gave me and that intense, again, Christian counseling.

28:36 And so, when did you begin to really move in a positive direction? It was probably around the nine month mark. It was when a lot of the other residents were leaving. The residents who had come at the same time I had come or after I had come, they were going through the levels. They were graduating from the program. Most of them were going back to their families. And that was really kind of sad for me to see that many of the girls that were there at the time, they had families that they were comfortable with and they looked forward to going back to their hometowns. And their families were active participants in the model where they would come and go to the parent trainings and the things that the House of Hope offered, the support for the entire family, not just the child.

29:28 And I recognize that, again, I was different and that wasn't, I was not going to be able to go back home. In fact, at that point of time, there was a trial occurring in my hometown. And I did not want to go back and be in the same hometown where some of my family members were actually on trial. I wanted to be as far away from that as possible. And I had felt like I had done a really good job of working through stuff and moving away from it and the idea of going home. So, there was a lot of reasons why the House of Hope recognized that I was not returnable. They had acquired me forever.

30:11 I was not going to be able to be returned to Cinder. And so, they began a very laborious process of trying to find a, instead of a group home, a small home for me to transition into. And I guess, there was a lot that happened behind the scenes I wasn't aware of, but they began to interview families in the area. House of Hope has lots of relationships with several different denominations, several different churches. And I know that they approached several married couples with families and without families and just kind of introduced me on paper. We have this young lady who needs a home. She's gone through our program. She will still need counseling. We'll still support you, but we'd like to see her see a husband and wife, a Christian husband and I interact appropriately so that she can see what a godly household looks like.

31:09 And they thought that was really important. I thought it was kind of bogus at the time, but they're like, no, we want you to see how a godly family unit behaves and we want you to have those kind of role models to look up to. And for what I understand, several individuals were initially interested in giving me a home. But after hearing the whole story and seeing this wallpaper, it was a very frightening for them to introduce a 17-year-old kid into their home who had acts of aggression and violence and had problems with substance abuse and had had problems with suicidal behavior, kind of like a rap sheet. And so that was hard for some of those couples and that's understandable. Right. So they sent me to a summer camp up in the mountains.

32:10 And I remember knowing that they were still looking for a home for me. I was kind of purgatory. I was at the House of Hope, but I had met all the requirements. So I was still a resident, but I didn't have a place to move on to. And so they sent me to this wonderful Christian camp for the summer for weeks in North Carolina and had a beautiful time there. But I remember when they came to pick me up, the first thing that Sarah said was, we have found you a home. And I was, I love Sarah and I love the House of Hope, but I was ready to start learning what it was like to be a Christian and to live outside of even the House of Hope, but outside of that kind of institutional sort of situation. And so that was about the time the school year was getting right, my senior year of high school. And so I was introduced to the family that I was going to live with. And I lived with them throughout my senior year. I lived with them until I graduated high school and went to college. And while that was still an arm of House of Hope, they were still supervising that placement, still making sure that I was getting the support. And again, particularly the counseling, I would still get counseling every week. Again, like two or three times,

33:41 we're talking like intensive counseling. Wow. And how did it go with this family? It was incredible. I met them, I think on House of Hope property first, just the husband and wife. He was a local Episcopalian priest. And I had met some of their parishioners had come to the House of Hope and a big sisters to us. Excuse me. And so when they mentioned my big sister, I recognized I was like, oh, she's taking me to your church. You're the minister, you're the parish priest and his lovely wife. And at a time they had four sons that were from ages two to nine.

34:26 So I was excited. I was excited about moving into a real house, going to a real school. I had been out of school for a couple of years. I was excited about having brothers, a real family. But I was terrified of wrecking it. I was terrified of making some sort of mistake and for them to send me back to the House of Hope. And so I remember just being really concerned that I might say or do something that might make them send me back again, return me to sender. Return to sender. So I moved into their home. Yeah, I moved into their home. And I just remember they had, they had, I had my own bedroom. And she had painstakingly, you know, put it together for me. She had learned what one of my favorite colors was and had just put it together so beautifully, had my own space. And I just felt just almost like royalty. Like I was just living in a really, not just safe place, definitely safe place, but just a place that was just warm and inviting, comfortable. And that, you know, again, just that experience gave me a continuity. And if you talk about the House of Hope, it truly is a place of hope. I came there with absolutely no hope. I just would laugh at the idea of hope. But after going through the program and continuing in foster care with this family, I really began to hope for a future. I had gone from the kid who did not really

36:04 expect to graduate from high school. They had recognized in me that I actually, you know, had a level of intelligence that I had, you know, that God had gifted me with, insisted that I take the SAT, did really well, got a scholarship to the University of Florida. So here I was graduating from high school and now I'm getting a scholarship to, you know, a major university. And just all these doors were being opened. And you thought your life would have been over by then. I didn't really see myself living perhaps age 16. And if I was alive, I expected to be in prison. Yeah, that's where we thought our son would be dead or in prison.

36:47 And I know I have many friends that I ran in those circles that have not, you know, they are in prison or have died very young, you know, so but for, you know, the saving grace of the Lord Jesus, of my Lord Jesus, you know, that's where I know I would be. And so now you are married and have a family? I do. So I went to the University of Florida and again, even after I fell in my foster parents, I don't know if this is applicable or not, but their names are Greg and Lorelie Brewer.

37:27 And Greg was the parish priest at Tusca Willoughbyscapalian Church in Tusca Willow, in Oviedo. I graduated from Oviedo High School. And then he went on and moved actually around the country and but came back to Central Florida and was our bishop of the Central Florida Diocese for several years and just recently retired. But even after living with them and just really falling in love with them and their family, I was there while their fifth child was born, I actually helped deliver their fifth child. I still wasn't sure that I would ever be wife material, let alone a mother. I just didn't trust myself to, I didn't trust men. I didn't trust myself to be a wife and be able to do that. Definitely could not see myself having children.

38:14 And so when I went away to college, I started really having dates for the first time, but, you know, it did not, again, did not see myself as ever marrying, ever having any sort of relationship, but was just go out and have dinner, you know, and then never saw a future. But I did, in fact, towards the end of my career at University of Florida, I met a man who was a Christian and had this beautiful family. And I love him. But once I met his family, this family really did it for me because I saw again, that godly loving family that, you know, they love their kids.

38:54 They still disciplined them, but they had trained them up and they had supported them. And so I fell in love with Scott, but I also fell in love with his family at the same time. And so we got married not long after I graduated from college. But then seven years into our marriage, I still wasn't sure I wanted to be a mom. I didn't trust myself to be a mom. I was afraid that I would act out in anger and hurt children. Or I just, again, I had all these terrible ideas about, you know, just I couldn't trust myself. I couldn't trust people. I couldn't trust myself. And, you know, Satan was still just, you know, just really feeding me lies about, you know, that there was those sins that maybe they weren't in the sea of forgetfulness, you know, maybe they were still deep inside of me. And, you know, at a particular moment, I would, you know, where they drew their ugly head and I would turn into that monster again that I knew I could be.

39:52 And I had been as a young child and young adult. But now, thankfully, I have three beautiful daughters, three daughters I do not deserve. My granny had told me when I was little that you reap what you sow. And if that's true, I definitely, I did not reap the children I was supposed to be given. But I have three beautiful daughters. My youngest is 16. My oldest is 26. And they are gorgeous. And they know, they know where mommy's come from. I've been very, you know, as they've matured, you have, they're all, they're all, they're each at this at a point now at 16 years old. They all know where I've been. And they know my story. I share my story a lot in youth groups. I'm a basketball coach. I also work with a fellowship of Christian athletes. I've worked in prison ministries, you know, through the years God's given me an abundance of opportunities to share with women and young girls my story and, and, and let allow them to tell me their story and where they're at and their walk. And then my daughter is, my husband has been a part of that. And they recognize that without the Lord, I never would have met their father, you know, and I never would have been able to be their mom. And so when we think about the people in their lives that, you know, built this legacy, you know, my family is my legacy. Sarah Trollinger in the House of Hope is a part of that legacy without that introduction. That one morning where I thought,

41:28 who is this crazy woman and why does she want me to hug her? And all the other, you know, incredible people that the House of Hope, you know, and their network of believers and supporters brought into my life, I would not have had the opportunity to serve the Lord in the way I have and to create a life that I never could have imagined. I mean, he, he's created in me something that if someone had told me, you know, even 15 years ago, honestly, I would not have been able to accept. I would have just thought it was. But God had other, yeah, but God had other plans and he did. He's, he loves to take brokenness and bring healing and redemption. And my healing and redemption has continued. I mean, I never knew my biological father and I begged as a child to, for my mother to tell me and her family to tell me because they knew, but they would hold that information from me. And I had always hoped that he would come and rescue me and take me away. And six years ago, my father's family found me. And, you know, miracles, applarum, miracles. I, you know, have met him and have, he's become a part of my life. I have a brother and a sister. I'm going actually this weekend, we're getting together to celebrate my grandmother's 95th birthday. There's about 50 of us coming in from all over to celebrate and have a family reunion.

43:03 Well, I just continue to bless me. Well, and you have continued throughout this brief conversation to be blessing the listeners on this podcast, because we're, there are so many, I'm sure some of them are very similar stories with either their own lives or their children. And yet God has redeemed you and you are giving them a picture of what is possible. And for people who are at a hard place where they don't see the hope yet to hear your story is a wonderful thing. And to hear what House of Hope meant to you, I know many people are really reluctant to consider a program like that. It seems like they failed and they don't trust others. And so that's at least a picture of what God can do in a place where there are people dedicated or committed to helping and coming in and being part of God's healing process. So I'm very grateful for your telling your story. And I believe that there will be a lot of people who listen to it and will have hope that God is not through. He is going to bring help and redemption. So thank you for that so very much.

44:31 Thank you. Thank you. We'll trust that God's going to use it to touch a lot of lives. May I pray for you? Yes. Father, thanks so much for Stephanie. What a gift she has given to be willing to share the hard things that were true in her life and the long journey and the place that she is now and all the joy that she has right now. So thank you. And I pray you would bless her and her family. And I pray especially that this time probably with people she hasn't even met yet, if they're all coming to celebrate the grandmother, that it'll be a very special time for her to see that you'd really have placed her in family. So thank you. Thanks in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. Thank you, Judy. God bless you.