What is a Prodigal? (episode 4)

1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:09,520
Do you love a prodigal? Do you feel like you are lost in a scary and endless wilderness?

2
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:17,120
Welcome to the When You Love a Prodigal podcast. I am Judy Douglass and I spent more than 15

3
00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:26,400
years in that wilderness. I believe together we will discover help and hope for your journey.

4
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:32,400
Welcome back again to the When You Love a Prodigal podcast. This is Judy Douglass and I am so glad

5
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:39,600
that you are here for the first time if that is the truth or as you are coming back to join us again.

6
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:48,960
What we have covered so far is a little backstory about the son that God sent to us as a foster

7
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:58,800
child and then we adopted him and God said he is a gift. We began to experience a lot of challenges

8
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:08,000
because Josh had had so many challenges in his life. If you want to hear the earlier episodes so

9
00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:16,240
that you can know that story, please go back and listen. What I would like to do today is kind of

10
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:25,920
a pause between the backstory and getting into what I hope will be a lot of help and hope for you

11
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:33,200
if you love a prodigal. First I want to define some terms because a lot of people aren't sure what a

12
00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:41,040
prodigal is and some have very firm definitions. I am a journalist and so I am going to use

13
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:48,800
who what why kind of questions that journalists use to take us through some definitions and

14
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:55,680
understandings that I think will be helpful to you as you think about the person that you love.

15
00:01:56,560 --> 00:02:05,440
First question is who? Well a prodigal can be anyone. It can be a child or a grandchild.

16
00:02:05,440 --> 00:02:14,960
It's often a teen or a young adult. It can be your sibling. It could be your spouse. It could even be

17
00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:24,720
your parent and assuredly it is you and I. We are all prodigals in some way or other and so

18
00:02:25,600 --> 00:02:34,320
the person that you love could be at any place in your life and you love them and you're hurt and

19
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:42,960
sad for the decisions and the choices that they're making. A definition. Well often people from

20
00:02:43,600 --> 00:02:51,040
Christian backgrounds will think of a prodigal as anyone who has left the faith and is not letting

21
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:58,160
the principles of their faith guide their choices. They could be making really bad choices or they

22
00:02:58,160 --> 00:03:06,480
could just have turned their back on their relationship with God. But we're dealing with a

23
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:14,400
broader look at that. That's true for many but there's more. Here's a surprise I bet. The original

24
00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:24,160
meaning of the word prodigal is that it's an adjective and it means extravagant, lavish, abundant

25
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:32,880
and bountiful. That isn't what we think of when we think of a prodigal because the word is morphed

26
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:44,160
into a noun and it is a person who is extravagantly wasteful, lavishly reckless and abundantly

27
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:53,760
profligate. Somebody who is making destructive choices in their life. Now in my book, When You

28
00:03:53,760 --> 00:04:01,600
Love a Prodigal, I talk about those who are lovers of prodigals and who is that? Without a doubt,

29
00:04:01,600 --> 00:04:08,800
it's one who extravagantly and lavishly with perseverance loves a prodigal.

30
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:18,560
So when do people become a prodigal? Well, it can happen pretty near at any time in their lifetime,

31
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:28,400
even very young, but most often it begins in their teens because at that time lots of children who

32
00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:34,480
are in their teens now are trying to figure out who they are. They're trying to get a sense of

33
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:41,280
identity. They're working on separation from their parents and their control in their lives. And so

34
00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:46,720
they do things that they're pretty sure their parents don't like, partly because they're trying

35
00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:55,200
to say, I am my own person now. It can last a long time or it may not start till later. It could be a

36
00:04:55,200 --> 00:05:03,120
brief time. It really varies. There's no total pattern. Increasingly, there's lots of people in

37
00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:11,280
their 20s who are in that category of being a prodigal who is making choices for their life that,

38
00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:18,480
at least in the minds of those who love them, are not going to be good for them. And many people in

39
00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:25,200
their 20s now aren't even showing much maturity until they're in their late 20s, which is a change

40
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:32,800
from the past. So how does it happen? If we knew how they became a prodigal, we might be able to

41
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:39,440
step in and keep that from happening. Possible. But it's not too hard to figure out

42
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:47,760
some of the house. First of all, they can have trouble at school. They make bad grades or they

43
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:54,640
struggle with the way school works and it doesn't fit their learning style. And they're in trouble

44
00:05:54,640 --> 00:06:01,440
because of acting out. Maybe it's because of their ADD. Lots of reasons that would cause them

45
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:08,960
to do the things that are not acceptable at school. And so then they become used to being in trouble

46
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:17,040
and that can go on in life. A lot of times it's who you hang out with. Friends are so

47
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:23,840
important. And the Bible says when you hang out with the wrong people, you make the wrong decisions.

48
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:31,360
And so that can be a very strong reason. Here's another one. Smartphones. Now, I know we didn't

49
00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:40,800
have them until recently. But even so, they have given kids access to so much that is detrimental

50
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:47,360
and can lead them to some poor decisions. One of my grandsons came home and told his parents he

51
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:53,440
had to sit with some different people at lunch because the boys he knew were spending their

52
00:06:53,440 --> 00:07:01,040
lunch hour at school watching pornography on their phones. And he at that time did not want to do that.

53
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:08,880
I don't know that he ever has. But pornography has been a real avenue into a product of life

54
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:14,880
because it grabs hold of the middle young age or an older age and really holds onto them

55
00:07:15,440 --> 00:07:22,240
and causes them to lower their values and the things that are important. And then they are

56
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:31,840
tempted to or choose to begin to experiment. They experiment with alcohol often first or drugs or

57
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:40,640
both experiment with sex. They get addicted. And addiction almost always will lead to crime

58
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:49,120
because they'll do anything to get their next fix. And so that will often lead to stealing.

59
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:56,160
And it will often cause them to go beyond just petty stealing where they can get into some real

60
00:07:56,160 --> 00:08:04,400
criminal mischief or serious crime. And so those are all things that would be the avenues that

61
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:11,360
took them into their prodigal choices. But then you need to go back a little further and say,

62
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:22,880
well, why? Why would they do that? Why do they want to rebel? Well, for a lot of them, it's the

63
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:28,560
reason that I've struggled with in my life and that's one in my own way. And I talked about that in

64
00:08:28,560 --> 00:08:35,760
episode one. And so sometimes it's just they don't like that school requires certain things and

65
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:42,880
church requires and their family requires and work requires everything. They're being told what to do

66
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:51,040
and they resist that. And so they want their own way. Sometimes that just leads to attitude. But

67
00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:59,440
sometimes it leads to choices that are really negative and even destructive. Sometimes so it

68
00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:05,520
really is just fun with friends and they want to try something or do something a little risky

69
00:09:05,520 --> 00:09:13,040
and then the novelty and the excitement of that's not enough. So they up it a little and try something

70
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:20,800
else that would cause them because of doing fun things with their friends to keep moving beyond

71
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:27,600
boundaries that would protect them into situations that could be harmful for them.

72
00:09:28,240 --> 00:09:34,080
But now I want to take you to another why that most of us probably don't think about.

73
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:43,040
And that is trauma. Now when you look at our son who came out of a family where his dad never showed

74
00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:52,080
up and his mother chose her addictions and exposed him to abuse and to lots of alcohol and drugs

75
00:09:52,080 --> 00:10:00,640
even as a young child and some abuse and those kind of things you think, yes, he has experienced

76
00:10:00,640 --> 00:10:09,280
a lot of trauma. And so that would be easy to see why he might make the choices that he did later

77
00:10:09,280 --> 00:10:17,840
in life. But there's so much more to trauma. Adoption especially can be a cause of trauma.

78
00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:26,720
Even if you get a child as a baby and people say, oh no, that can't be because they instead of being

79
00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:33,760
abandoned, they're coming into a loving home with a family who's going to care for them. And you've

80
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:41,120
had them from the beginning and they know that they're yours. From the experts that I've talked to,

81
00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:50,560
they know that there is this hole in their heart. Where is that mother that they lived in for those

82
00:10:50,560 --> 00:10:58,240
nine months? She was real. She was their home. And then she's gone. So there's and they don't

83
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:05,280
understand it. And it might be several years at least before they understand that they were adopted.

84
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:12,800
But there are a lot of other causes of adoption. Certainly if there's abuse in a home, I don't

85
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:22,240
mean of trauma in their lives. If there's abuse in their home, that's a certain source of trauma

86
00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:29,440
for them. If there are parents who are not focused on meeting their needs and helping them make

87
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:36,880
wise decisions and make poor decisions, that can cause that to happen in their lives. But sometimes

88
00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:44,000
it's other things that aren't so negative. Say another child comes a year later and all of a

89
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:50,320
sudden this one-year-old is pushed aside in a sense because mother is focusing on the newborn.

90
00:11:50,880 --> 00:11:57,360
And that isn't a terrible thing. It happens to many. And yet it is a source of loss,

91
00:11:57,840 --> 00:12:05,840
which is a trauma to that baby. If a person has a serious illness or experiences an injury

92
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:13,280
or has some disability, all of those are traumas as they grow older especially because there's

93
00:12:13,280 --> 00:12:18,960
something that has been negative in their life that they can't control or overcome.

94
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:26,800
Sometimes it's as they get into school and they experience rejection. It could be a teacher who

95
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:32,800
doesn't like them. Or it can be the kids who won't sit with them at the lunch table. And you think

96
00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:39,680
everyone experiences that. How can that be trauma? Well, the more people understand what trauma is

97
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:46,640
in a life and how it affects the brain and the will and everything about a person, the more they

98
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:55,360
realize it can be even seemingly normal things of growing up but still are hurtful and painful

99
00:12:55,360 --> 00:13:04,720
to the person who experiences them. And so often, prodigal choices come out of some kind of trauma

100
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:11,840
in their life. Some of it was never intentional. It just happened. But there are those who just want

101
00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:16,560
their own way and they'll do anything to get it and they will make those negative choices.

102
00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:22,880
So I want to mention a little bit of where we're going in the future with this podcast.

103
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:29,040
We talked about how they get involved and we're going to look at some of those in more detail,

104
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:35,600
especially from maybe some school people, some psychologists, some counselors. We're going to

105
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:44,240
look at some information on drugs and alcohol and addictions and those kinds of things. But we're

106
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:54,400
also going to look at the spiritual side because you see God loves prodigals. He rescues us and we

107
00:13:54,400 --> 00:14:01,920
are all prodigals. And he has said over and over, it's hard of compassion. It's throughout scripture.

108
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:09,440
It says he had compassion on them. He looked at them with compassion because he loves us and our

109
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:18,240
prodigals so very much. And so his word is full of the promises that he makes to us,

110
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:25,120
the provisions that he gives us, the way that he meets us, the way that he will provide for us.

111
00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:31,280
And we'll talk about some things like time. The most common question that people with a prodigal

112
00:14:31,280 --> 00:14:38,240
probably ask of God is how long, oh Lord, we're in good company there because that's what

113
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:45,120
David says a number of times in the Psalms. How long, Lord? And so we'll talk about God's

114
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:52,560
perspective on time. Loving a prodigal can be absolutely exhausting because you've run out of

115
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:58,240
options. You don't know what to do. You're exhausted. And so we're going to spend some time on talking

116
00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:06,240
about rest. The thing that we would probably most do is go to prayer and we don't even know how to

117
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:12,240
pray and we're going to talk about how to pray for those prodigals you love. But we're going to also

118
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:19,760
talk about how prayer becomes the means for growing our own relationship with God and a lot of

119
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:26,720
different approaches to prayer that I hope will be helpful to you. We're going to talk about how you

120
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:34,560
learn to trust God and, oh, we're going to talk about how to have hope when you can't see a way

121
00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:42,720
forward and you can't see that there's hope. Many times we would watch our son and the choices he

122
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:51,120
would make and we would find our self-thinking. What is his future? It's either to die or to be in

123
00:15:51,120 --> 00:15:59,360
jail. We didn't see how the choices he would make was making would go anywhere else for him. And

124
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:05,680
we're going to talk about how we can have hope when that's all we can see. But we're also going to

125
00:16:05,680 --> 00:16:13,360
talk about some words that have been the most important for me in our relationship with our son.

126
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:23,440
One is love, love of the quality and passion of God's love. We're going to learn more about it.

127
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:30,160
We're going to talk about the importance of not losing relationship. If even in the hardest time

128
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:38,800
when they reject us, we can in any way possible hold on to some relationship, then they know that

129
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:46,080
they are able to come back. We're going to talk about mercy because God has given us mercy. We

130
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:54,000
haven't deserved it. We didn't earn it and he has done that. He's given us mercy and he's going to

131
00:16:54,000 --> 00:17:01,120
ask us to learn to forgive those who hurt us so much. And we're going to learn about grace

132
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:10,080
because God gives us grace beyond what we can imagine or ever think that we should have.

133
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:16,800
And he wants us again to be the conduit of his grace to those that we love who have rejected.

134
00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:24,480
Next week we will be hearing from a man named Dan Wolgemuth, good friend of mine. He's the

135
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:31,280
president of Youth for Christ and he has begun with Youth for Christ. They are working more and

136
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:39,840
more with at-risk kids. Dan was kind enough to write a forward for my book and because he knows

137
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:46,160
a lot about at-risk kids. And so I'm just going to read these sweet words that Dan wrote for my book.

138
00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:50,160
And so when it comes to, he says something about Judy, he's

139
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:56,640
because he wrote this for the book, and then know that you will hear much more from him next week

140
00:17:56,640 --> 00:18:04,240
as I interview him. So here is the forward to my book, When You Love a Prodigal. Quoting from Luke

141
00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:14,560
1520. And he, the prodigal, arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off,

142
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:23,920
his father saw him and felt compassion and ran and embraced him and kissed him. While he was still

143
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:33,680
a long way off, a long way off, a chasm of shame and guilt and regret and anger and bitterness and

144
00:18:33,680 --> 00:18:42,480
despair, a chasm that only love and grace can navigate. Jesus, the teacher of all teachers,

145
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:52,160
teaches us to love prodigals, to love in a way that crosses the chasm. While the prodigal is still

146
00:18:52,160 --> 00:19:01,840
a very, very long way off, Jesus doesn't minimize the distance. He resources fuel for the journey,

147
00:19:01,840 --> 00:19:10,160
fire for the soul, traversing the pain-filled, doubt-lettered, fear-exploding route of redemption.

148
00:19:11,840 --> 00:19:19,680
A son, two sons, one consumed with pleasure, the other consumed by the pursuit of power and control.

149
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:26,800
Both prodigals, both lost and demanding, both a burden.

150
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:31,200
1. Enter the love of a father.

151
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:41,840
Enter the love of the Father. Yes, God loves us first, and his love isn't restricted to saints.

152
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:52,080
No, it focuses precisely on sinners with sacrifice, humility, and passion.

153
00:19:52,080 --> 00:20:00,160
God's love for sinners is why he loves me, a prodigal. Sure, more politely,

154
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:07,920
a prodigal than some, but a prodigal nonetheless. The prodigal journey is all of our journey.

155
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:18,000
The message of hope and life comes from the love of Jesus, God's messenger and message to prodigals.

156
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:25,600
Our reaction to the message, we dismissed and despised him, we mocked and rejected him.

157
00:20:25,600 --> 00:20:33,920
This is often what happens to those who love a prodigal. Yet our pain has a companion in Jesus.

158
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:41,440
We're never alone in the journey across the chasm. Through the vast and tiring journey,

159
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:49,600
in the midst of hopelessness and pain, Jesus is our guide and our friend. He is our breath

160
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:59,520
and our advocate. In the journey, tears water the dust of a discouragement. When our resolve is

161
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:09,440
extinguished and our courage depleted, God, through Jesus, shows us the way while he is still a long

162
00:21:09,440 --> 00:21:18,320
way off. Jesus doesn't simply join us in the journey. No, this is his journey that he invites

163
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:26,800
us to be part of. This is his burden to carry, to wound his wound to sav, his tear to wipe.

164
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:34,720
Indeed, he knows the wilderness well. And that is why Judy wrote this devotional as a cup of

165
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:42,400
cold water in the wilderness, from here to there, across the lonely and difficult chasm.

166
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:50,480
Her story is raw and personal, authentic and tender. Her wilderness journey has a name,

167
00:21:51,120 --> 00:21:59,600
a face, and aching heart. And as Judy penned the words that follow, she attacks the lie that those

168
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:07,600
who cross the chasm go alone. No, you're never alone, because Jesus, our King and Redeemer,

169
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:19,360
saw, felt compassion, ran, embraced, and kissed a desperately lost son, our son, our daughter, us.

170
00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:27,680
When You Love a Prodigal is a book that Jesus wrote long ago, and I'm so grateful that Judy has

171
00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:36,720
powerfully and compassionately highlighted the immensity and persistence of God's amazing love

172
00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:45,200
and grace. Thank you for those wonderful words, Dan Wolgemuth, and thank you for listening today.

173
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:53,120
And I look forward to you being with us next week as we hear more from Dan about loving a prodigal.

174
00:22:53,120 --> 00:23:00,800
Thanks so much.