Waiting in Advent for Jesus and Your Prodigal with Judy Lewis, episode 161

0:00 If you love a prodigal, you can discover help and hope for your wilderness journey right here at the When You Love a Prodigal podcast and also help and hope for your own life journey. So my wonderful listeners, I have a very special guest today. Her name's also Judy. This is Judy Lewis. Judy and I have known each other for many, many years and she has been on staff with crew for 33 years. My husband and I helped her and her husband get together. So we got that special connection. She also was an editor of the Worldwide Challenge Magazine, which I had the privilege of starting and editing for seven years, I think.

0:50 Before I had babies, I couldn't do both full-time jobs. And so Judy is living in Atlanta and she has a master's degree in spiritual direction and formation and she's with her wonderful husband up and their puppy, Biscuit. And so Judy, welcome to When You Love a Prodigal. Thank you for having me. I'm delighted to be with you any moment I can get with you as a guest. So good to be with you. Well, I'm like, why didn't I think of having Judy earlier?

1:32 So Judy also has some experience with Prodigals. So as she understands our heart and the pain that we go through. So here's what we're going to do. I'm sure you were confused maybe by the title of Waiting in Advent, but it seems like the perfect time and God knew that for us to talk about this and the whole reality of what Advent is. And then turn that to help us see how this is helpful with our life with our protocols or our life without our protocols in many cases because they disappeared from us.

2:22 So Judy, we're going to talk about waiting. Now I, you know, I've waited a lot. I write about it. I know your story. And you've waited a lot. And right now, most people listening to this podcast are in a waiting time. And so why don't we start with Advent and how that is about waiting? Yeah. Let me let you go with that. Advent is an in between season, a threshold season, right?

3:04 Where a promise has been made, but the gift has not been completely received. And so when we live the Christian calendar, Advent is the season of waiting. It's the season of expectancy. It's the season of hope, but it's also a really fragile season because like Holy Saturday, between death and resurrection, we are pretty powerless. We don't get to decide what's going to be resurrected.

3:44 And so we live in this liminal space, liminal, L-I-M-I-N-A-L, which means threshold, right? And the scripture is full of threshold moments. That being one of the biggest, the wilderness, which you talk about. That is a liminal waiting space. Holy Saturday, which I mentioned, the belly of the whale, right? The scriptures give us lots of opportunities to practice waiting if we pay attention. Well, it's certainly not, I would say, anyone's favorite thing.

4:28 Even when you're waiting for something wonderful, like the birth of a child or to get married or moving to a new place or getting a new job, those are waiting always involve some because of preparation. And those are more you have a sense of when they're going to happen. And that you actually have a say in it. In reality, you don't really. God does. And so, but these kinds of waiting, Advent and Holy Saturday and waiting in the whale, anything.

5:09 And there are many, many times where God brings us to waiting. And so what can we learn from waiting that is about Advent and the fact we're waiting for the arrival of Jesus? Well, you said it, waiting is deeply uncomfortable. When we wait, especially for a prolonged time, we think we've met our capacity. I know for me, I got married at 43. And so after being a bridesmaid 18 times, going to 10s of hours.

5:54 And then your friends become pregnant. And now you're going to baby showers and your season of hoping for motherhood is ending. It is so uncomfortable. It's so difficult to be hospitable to ourselves. And the church and the church, sadly, is not very hospitable to people who have been waiting for a really long time and suffering for a very long time. In our story, we've been estranged from a family member for a long time and people just stop asking.

6:37 And that is so painful. So there's a lot of places where it's uncomfortable. Our communities of faith sometimes aren't very hospitable to our waiting. Our closest friends get impatient. And I think the worst part is we are not very hospitable to ourselves when we've waited a long time. Hope is a fragile thing. One writer defines Advent as a mystery of emptiness, of poverty, of limitation. And nobody is wanting to choose poverty, limitation, emptiness.

7:22 And yet it is in those spaces that Jesus invites us to. The wilderness, I'm mixing a lot of my metaphors here. We need metaphors to define this space. The Israelites were chased into the wilderness. Posea was allured into the wilderness. And Jesus was led into the wilderness by the Spirit. So we often think that wilderness times are punishments. We turn on ourselves. But in those three experiences, they were all led by Jesus, led by the Father.

8:07 Yes. How do you think? How come? Where are you doing this to be? Of course, that's our first question. We join with the saints. How long, Lord? I know, am I waiting? I think when we've waited for a long time, it's natural to wonder, what have I done wrong? Is this some kind of punishment? I think it's Tim Keller who says, the worst things that have ever been said about ourselves are the things we say to ourselves. And so the longer we wait, the greater the temptation to turn on ourselves.

8:48 And sometimes we contribute to what causes the waiting to have to happen. Like the woman who I just heard from, not this one, another one, who says, it's been 12 years since we've heard anything from our prodigal. And they say, what did I do wrong? And they're always told, well, you didn't do it, it's their choice. Well, yes, it's their choice. But we may have contributed. I don't want to let us off the guilt thing because thinking we did nothing, it's all on them. Because the way we handle things could contribute.

9:29 I know my son had so much pain in his life. And so the people who caused that pain had a part in that. And the fact that then we who had him had 15 years of waiting for him to decide he wanted a different life and he wanted to be somebody different than who he had been for these last years. It was his choice, the people he hung out with. But it was also those who hurt him. And so that's not where you were going, I know. But I just thought of it.

10:09 We sometimes bring it on ourselves is what I'm saying. Yeah. I think we hold two things in tension as we wait, right? We ask the question, what does love require of us? And sometimes that means we make amends as best we're able, right? And then we also hold in tension a particular powerlessness. Absolutely. And that powerlessness is a form of poverty, right? But it's also a place where Jesus dwells. And I say that with great tenderness, not as a consolation prize, because he dwells on the outskirts with people who feel particularly alone, with people who feel as if other people don't understand.

11:05 And the longer we wait, the harder it can become. One of the verses that has meant so much to me in my seasons of waiting is Eugene Peterson's translation of Romans 8, where he says, waiting does not diminish us any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We of course don't see what is enlarging us, but the longer we wait, the larger we become and the more joyful our expectancy. And what I think he's saying here is that we have a capacity that can grow in waiting that holds greater abundance of God's love.

11:54 We wouldn't choose it. We don't choose the wilderness. We're led there. And in that place, we can hear God whisper, you are my beloved. I'm really struck by the fact that right before, I mean, there's two significant places of transition in Jesus's life. I mean, the first one is that is baptism, right? And it's one of the places in scripture where the Father breaks into space and time. And audibly, the audience hears, you are my beloved in whom I am well-pleased. I mean, what is the last word that Jesus hears from the Father before he is led into the spirit, led into the wilderness by the spirit to be tempted.

12:38 You are my beloved. If we are going to go into enclosures of waiting, the tomb, the womb, the wilderness, this advent season, it's vital that we get quiet enough to hear what Jesus heard. You are my beloved son in whom I am well-pleased. You are my beloved daughter. I am well-pleased with you. Another one of those transitions was at the mount of transfiguration, right? I mean, the moment has come, the testing has come. He is turning his face towards the cross. And it seemed important that God the Father break into time and space again and audibly say, you are my beloved son.

13:25 Nothing can touch you, but what I permit. And so that anchoring is vital for seasons of waiting and wilderness. Yes. You're making me think of times in my own life when God has come into something I'm struggling with. A waiting, it may be a not long waiting or it may be a very long waiting. And to see God enter into that, I had an experience when I was waiting on my husband, which was a long waiting of a relationship, of dating, of five years.

14:14 And he had reasons from his past that he was not confident in the thought of marriage because of his dad's not good part in his growing up. And so everyone after about three years was saying to me, just give up, quit. And I was getting close to that. I said, all right. And I said, Lord, I'm done. I've waited long enough. And the Lord actually spoke to me now. I don't know how to say how that happens really. But he spoke to me, he says, Judy, don't quit. Keep on waiting.

14:56 And I said, really? He said yes. But it's still two more years after that. It wasn't the next week or the next month that that waiting got to stop. And with the prodigal, I could tell a lot of stories there. That was a long, long waiting. But God did it suddenly. Well, I will tell you. So our son's grandfather had been the only, because he's adopted by us when he was almost 10. And his grandfather had been the only man in his life, but it was in and out because his birth mother would take him.

15:40 And then he'd be back with his grandparents. And his grandfather was very ill and was dying. And my husband and I, because he threatened suicide several times, that if his grandfather died, we really thought he was going to take his life and we wanted to figure out, how are we going to be there for him so that doesn't happen? He spent the last week of his grandfather's life right there with him talking to him. His grandfather was mostly not alert. He told him how important he'd been to him. What a treasure he'd been to him. I'm sure he didn't use the word treasure. And when his grandfather died, here's what he said, I'm going to make Papal proud.

16:25 I'm going to become the man he believed I could become. And that was the turning point. That's when he changed and it took some time, but he changed from his prodigal choices. But he was waiting and we waited with fear. God did something wonderful and beautiful. I mean, that was a death and resurrection all in one room at one time, right? Yes. And that's what we wait for. What will God resurrect? And that's the invitation to powerlessness.

17:06 That's the invitation to a greater capacity than we've ever known. Fulfilled hope. We have no guarantee of that fulfilled hope other than Jesus, what he's promised for each of us who belong to him. But with our prodigals, we have hope that God is working and we wait and wait and see what God is doing. But one, we may not live long enough to see it ourselves. They have free will and they get to choose and God may be pursuing and pursuing and they may still not.

17:49 But God is working and he's pretty wise in how he does it. And so I know a story after story of a prodigal who turns around, who comes home. It's beautiful, but it's a hard journey. It's a hard journey. One of my favorite writers defines hope as the promise that God has not forgotten the recipe for manna. That's good. That's good. It ends because hope is fragile. It's so fragile and it's so daily without a promise of resurrection on our horizon.

18:31 But what we can receive as a promise is that he's going to give us what we need day by day by day. And sometimes that means asking other people to hope for us. Yes. Yes. As I waited and dated unsuccessfully for a long time, there were long periods where I needed my friends to hope for me. It was just, it was too, it felt too risky. I felt like a fool. I felt like a fool to hope. And that's where we need our friends to keep us from becoming cynical and why we need to hear the whisper of God in our lives.

19:12 While we need to practice being still enough, we just talked about pregnancy and gestation and so much. I've never been pregnant, but I know friends who have. And for long periods of time, we think nothing's happening. Right? That's just happening at all. And so after getting bigger and bigger. But for a little while, it probably doesn't feel like that. And you're kind of wondering if it's happening at all. And a writer I like Brian Zahn says that the ways of God are predominantly small and quiet. Small and quiet. The ways of God are about as loud as seed falling on the ground or bread rising in the oven.

19:59 I mean, God's ways are like seed and yeast. We can't see it. We often are waiting and watching. And that's hardly ever what we want to do. Maybe if we were farmers, we would be so used to it. Because we knew about the seed takes time and we're waiting on that. But most of us aren't farmers. And so we're. We're bakers, right? We don't. I mean, maybe the sourdough craze is like helping people realize the role of yeast in growing. But we're not, you said it, we're not very practiced at waiting. We're not very comfortable with waiting.

20:41 It feels a lot like lament. And we don't have a lot of practice with lament either. Which is too bad. Because lament is really a great way to be honest with God, which gives him permission to do the work in us. And one of the things about waiting that we don't like is that we're not in control. And we want it to happen now. And this way we've got the plan. And God says, I have a better plan. Yeah. It's not a fast one. The seeds have to grow.

21:21 I love what you just said, though, about lament. You said honesty gives God permission to enter in. And I mean, if you think of the Psalms as Jesus' songbook, which they are, and that 40% of the Psalms are Psalms of lament. Lament, yes. And I think less than 6% of our worship songs are songs of lament. We are not practiced at being honest, which is a great gift of yours that you've offered to so many of us, your authenticity, Judy. But this practice, I mean, think about that.

22:03 When Jesus went to worship, 40% of the songs they sang were Psalms of lament. How long, oh Lord? I think the love offense is the WD-40, right? There's something about it that helps us meet God's gaze, which doesn't come any other way, but by being honest, giving God permission, like you said. Yeah. Giving God permission to do the work he's doing. And part of it is to do what we want him to do, which he may or may not do exactly what we want. He may give us the desire of our hearts in various weightings. But he's also equally wanting to do a work in us.

22:48 And we really don't want that very much. It's like, just take care of your product, just take, bring me my husband, but don't do anything to me. But he's equally, equally committed to the work in us as to the work that we're asking him for. And waiting is one of his most tender tools. Tender is the right word, yes. I was tempted to use the word useful, but that's a little bit stripped of kindness. Yes. Yes. Tender tools. So we've already been saying this, but how do you take this, what we learn about Jesus, his waiting, our waiting for him to be born in Advent?

23:38 One thing that makes me happy is I see a whole lot more tools, products, things that will help people go through Advent in an intentional way than I ever used to. They weren't there before. They probably were, but I didn't know them. But now they're everywhere. So I noticed that through. That helps us. But how do we then, when we're looking at protocols in our lives and the people listening to this podcast will range from they've just entered and they're panicked and they don't know what to do to people who've been in it for years. The ones I have the hardest time with are the ones who say it's been 15 or 20 years since we've heard from our child.

24:21 We don't know, have a clue where they are. I know a man who, who managed to find out where his son was and went to him and his son actually let him come and they talked and it wasn't a real restoration yet, but it wasn't a great step that gave him hope. And I find if I can take my hope and offer it to the Lord, it gives him permission to work with it and do that work in me, even as he's working on this person that I love, that's our love sometimes.

25:02 Yes. Well, I agree. I'm so grateful the church in our circle is offering more thoughts about Advent because Advent is a part of the Christian life. It is a part of how we grow this waiting season. We've talked about a few things that are helpful, finding hope holders, people who will hold hope for us when we can't, remembering that we are somehow enlarged in the waiting, that God whispers beloved to those who are tempted to give up and the role of lament of honesty. The second part of that translation from Romans 8, and I don't have it word for word, but it says something to the degree that when we find we can't wait any long, the spirit comes alongside us, making words from our aching groans and wordless sighs.

26:02 The spirit is ever beside us, keeping us present before the Lord. That is a great comfort to me that when I have no words, I mean, in suffering, we don't really need a lot more words. It's still that helpful that the spirit knows what to do to keep us present before God. It's a really profound, practical, those don't always go together, profound and practical, but it's both help while we're on this journey that we can't control and bring to a conclusion. Yeah. And to remember that he has not forgotten the recipe for manna.

26:44 He has not forgotten us. Or the one we're waiting for. His eye is on them as well. That's really true. So as you think about this season, knowing that protocols often make Christmas especially a very difficult time. Because of one, not being there, or two, being there and being disruptive or causing pain or, I mean, people with younger children are often just in tears because of their protocol.

27:26 The older child really bringing her to the younger children by the way he or she acts. It's a very difficult time with the empty seat at the table or the no gifts. So all of those things help us once again think how does the spirit come and help us through that? Well, they offer this with great tenderness, again, that word, right? Because it really, really hurts. It does really, really hurt. And I believe that our scars matter to Jesus.

28:07 He had them. He had them and he did not despise them. He has them in heaven. It seems important to him that he bring his scars with them even in a resurrected body. And so I offer the idea that it was not above Jesus to have scars and that it is in our scars that he tends to us. And so I just encourage those of us who are still waiting for that person to fill the empty chair to hold a particular kindness for the journey, a particular tenderness in the waiting.

28:53 And maybe that means letting some of the air out of the expectation of what a holiday can be and making space for disappointment. I think paying attention to the gentle invitations that God offers in this season is really helpful. And that might mean acknowledging the role of beauty. Beauty is something that soothes. I know in tremendous losses in my life, I would find myself picking up flowers at Publix. And I noticed that beauty was soothing me.

29:37 So perhaps there's a gentle invitation to notice beauty because it is all around us during the holidays. There's the lights and the music. And while there's the ache, there's also beauty. So perhaps it's noticing the gentle invitations to see beauty, to smell beauty, to taste beauty, to allow it to be a part of the ache. I like that. And it seems to me that some of the beauty that we could surround ourselves with is even the way we decorate our homes and to remind us of what Jesus means to us or just to make people feel that this is a special time that we have together.

30:30 And that is a part of the beauty that we add to it. And there could be a temptation to say, we're brokenhearted. There's nothing. We're not doing it. And instead to look for the ways to bring that beauty, to bring that tenderness, to bring the presence of Jesus into our homes, but into our minds and hearts, both minds matter, hearts matter. So I have about 25 or 30 nativity sets from around the world.

31:13 When I would be, yeah, I was traveling a lot with my husband. And when we'd go places, if it was possible, I bought a nativity set. One of my favorites is from Mongolia. No, it's from Kyrgyzstan, I think. But it's a little yurt with little figures in felt that look like the people out on the plains there. And it just, I love it. I have other lovely ones. I have some that are kind of strange. They're meaningful to me, and I put them out with tenderness and gentleness because they remind me of the presence of God, the presence of Father, Son, and Spirit with me in this time.

32:00 And even in the hardest times when our son was causing a lot of hurt and pain for me in these years, because my husband moved to heaven two years ago, those things matter. And if we have ways that we can connect to God in more tangible ways, that can help us through the holidays and the waiting. I love that. I mean, you emphasize the role of beauty. You emphasize the role of tangible reminders, as well as the battle for our minds, the temptation to compare our family to other families.

32:42 Yes, there is that. Well, all of the things are perfect. I know. They wouldn't say that. Well, all of those things are amplified in the holidays, right? Yes, they are. It's just so loud. And the voice of the enemy is so loud that we need these enclosures of quiet, right, to get our bearings again and remember that we are not forgotten, that he is with us, that the Spirit is making prayers out of our wordless size and aching grounds, and that you just mentioned the role of the Trinity. The Father and the Son and the Spirit are a circle of love.

33:24 They're the original family, and we're invited to be embraced by them. That is our true host. I just picture the three of them standing there with wide open arms, welcoming us. Wow, if we could lift our eyes wherever we are, whosoever listening in the car, at home through tears, and lift their eyes to believe that we are embraced by the Father, Son, and Spirit and held and known, and tended to and cared for with their gentle presence, even in the worst moment, something new can be born, right?

34:07 Yes, that's beautiful. Any last thoughts from you before I was going to ask you to pray for our listening? I think that the kingdom of God is found in the whispers and the tears. Oh, definitely in lots of tears. That the tears somehow in God's economy give us a clearer view of who he is. While we wouldn't choose it, it's a gift. Our tears give us a clearer view of the kingdom, a clearer view of what's important to God, and in some how, it's worth it.

34:53 He's a good God, and we can trust him, even if we don't see that clearly all the time. So Judy, would you pray for our listeners, please? Father, Son, and Spirit, we've been talking about you. We've been remembering that your love encircles us with great kindness and tenderness, that you whisper beloved in our seasons of waiting and wilderness, that you make prayers out of our wordless sighs and aching groans, that you have not forgotten the recipe for manna, that you hold our broken hearts together, that you do not despise your scars nor ours, but that something in that tender place you live, that we can find you as we wait the longer we wait, and that you grow our capacity to be with you, though it's so slow, though it's like seeds and yeast, we want to practice waiting well.

36:15 Thank you that you give us a model for waiting well, not just a model, but your very presence. You know what it means to be powerless as a baby, powerless on the cross, but that you join us in waiting to see what you will resurrect, and we can count on the fact that you will resurrect something. Give us eyes to wait and watch well. Ten to the hearts of my friends listening today. Be so near to them in this Christmas season, help them to hold the ache and the beauty at the same time.

36:58 There's room for it all. Thank you that we are daughters and sons. Someday you will make every sad story untrue, and until then, we long with all the saints who have cried out, how long, O Lord. Make yourself known. Thank you, Jesus. Amen. Amen. Thank you, Judy. Before we go, you're going to want to hear this, my listeners. Judy, you have a book coming out. That's right. That's right. Any day now. So hopefully before Christmas, the publisher is saying it's called...

37:39 What is the name? Yeah, it's called Exhailes. Say it again. Exhale, like to breathe out. Exhale. Exhale. I've been reading some of your exhale. Yeah. Thank you. So that's exactly what it is. It's a series of emails that I've been writing, put into one book, about 50 essays with simple practices at each one to help us practice exhaling. It'll be on Amazon and under Judy Nelson Lewis. Hopefully by Christmas. Thanks for giving me a chance to share that with you. And we will also mention it in the show notes. And if you would like to be in the drawing to win, I think we'll give away three copies when they're available.

38:26 Wonderful. And so if you'll look at the show notes, you'll see where you can say, put me in the drawing and we'll do that. You'll also find how you can connect with Judy at her website. And she does silent retreats and other retreats as well. And it's just a wonderful comforting helper on a hard journey or a not so hard journey. So check out the show notes. And remember, if you heard something that really spoke to you, write that down. Because if you're like me, it'll be gone in an hour.

39:07 If I don't write it down when God puts it on my heart. So thank you, Judy. God bless you and God bless all of my listeners. Merry Christmas, friends.